Beans3bk's Weblog

beans3bk — Tue, 18 Oct 2011 03:17:36 +0000

I have been waiting on something to happen to post! Lol My ego would dare not allow me to blog because my life has been so plain and uneventful! Lol I have not met Mr Right to wisk me off my feet. There have been a few Mr Rightnows. Lol Well I am just keeping it real. The kids are getting bigger. I am working at the Cancer Center and I feel like that is my true calling. My heart goes out to those people because they have receive the death sentence and committed no crime, but I know my interaction with them makes them feel better. Still trying to live holy, but it is an everyday struggle. This flesh stay getting me in trouble. I know God is seriously working in my life so I am not even trippin. I have to decrease in order for him to increase and his will for my life to become full circle! I told my friend that I promise this time when he gives me the desires of my heart I am gonna be nice. That’s all apart of maturity. I had to grow and lean and depend on him in order to see he was my true source. I thought it was that man! Silly woman I am. I am not mad at him, I wanted him, I got him and I would have done anything to keep him. It sounds like I was worshipping him more than God! Go figure and to be honest the fact that Beans was gonna be Ms, …….. fascinated me. Oh I had plans and how I was gonna laugh at others when they thought it wasn’t gonna work and it did! Well to err is human and I am finally at a place where I can be ok with it not working out. I have so many standards now I wonder if I am setting myself up for failure but at the same time, I need to walk in my destiny and ordinary just wont do. I have forgiven my kids father and my father too. Trying my best to not be bitter, but realizing I am human and I do need to grieve these situations so they can truly die! I cook more now, the kids complain but they prefer not to starve so they eat I have been wanting to cry all day!I just wanna lay on my face and sob like an infant. Tears cleanse the soul! The sad part is I can’t even bring myself to cry.I just need to release some of this, but the tears won’t flow. We all know I am a bit scattered but man it felt good just to sit and do nothing but random thoughts. Words can’t express my gratefulness to God for all he has done in my life. I am becoming a nicer passionate loving person. I thought I could never open my heart again but in actuality falling in love with Jesus was the best thing I ever done and no matter how many times I break up him, he is right there waiting for me again!

Filed under: Uncategorized

Wow

beans3bk — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 04:40:14 +0000

So much has changed! Time has changed, I have changed! God has done so much for little old me in these past few months. I have been delivered from so many things. I remember I used to blog everyday. lol About this wonderful man God had sent me. lol If you read back, you will see that I was so blinded by the man, I lost sight of the mission but it matters not. I have had some really high highs and some really low lows. If that makes any sense. lol But now I have cleared my mind completely of all the drama and regained focus. I got a new job and I am in a totally different situation than before and I am pleased. Sometimes when you fall off a horse it pays to get back up. I have discovered a new set of haters but a more awesome forgiving God. I pray more .Sometimes the strength you think you have is nothing when you lose sight of the prize. I have been spending alot of time with God working on the true me and he has been setting things right and making my life what it needs to be. I am no longer depressed or saddened by what I thought I had but thanking him for what he has set in place. I learned that when you diligently seek him he will make a way for you. Not a little bit but alot. He will give you your hearts desire. I learned that when people intentionally try to hurt you to pray for them. I learned that everyone does not deserve a front row seat in your life. So stop treating them like they do. I have so much going on but I still find rest in the safety of his arms. The kids are wonderful, so intelligent and a blessing to my soul. I am still working on being the best mom I can be. I love everyone and I am so grateful for God to speaking too and healing this old heart again. And realizing that he will hold no good thing from me. Since I am single now, and able to meet and date people at time I have to reel it in and review my focus. Heaven is my goal everything else is secondary. I am out, be blessed!

Filed under: Family, Love, Relationships, Religion, Too Much, Uncategorized

What a difference a day makes

beans3bk — Wed, 14 Apr 2010 03:46:54 +0000

This day is very special to me. No one needs to know why but I sure do. So many things changed in my life. On this particular day! Good, Bad or indifferent. This day will forever be etched in my heart and mind as such a good day. In life things happen. People change. You grow but you also reflect and take note of things and situations that make you the better you. God rules how he chooses and I know this and with that, I am filled with joy. I don’t know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future. I am out. Be blessed!!

Filed under: Uncategorized

Back on this!!!

beans3bk — Tue, 30 Mar 2010 03:35:30 +0000

I have been trying to post all evening. So much has happened in this little old life of mine. I am growing everyday. Every day I am taking back a piece of me and restoring myself to what I actually used to be minus all the obvious flaws. No one is perfect and I sure am not but at the same time I am just trying to keep it positive. I have discovered that beans is simply beans. No matter what you serve them with, they are still just beans. Lol That is a sad but true analogy of my entire life. I am who I am. I can try to be something different but at the end of the day, I am simply just me. I have determined that I make my own decisions and I have to live with them. All is not always perfect. I am certain that everything that glitters is not gold. I have decided that I am good though.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lN26jw53c0M The crazy part is so after fighting all this time I am back to this. This is one of my original post. Trust me I am good. My Father is well, he has the nerve to be driving. The kids are well. My Mom is the best and my baby sister is getting married. Yet I still am here. So I am praying for the deliverance to truly let go. Allow him to fight this for me. You can’t be perfect on every front. I cant do it all. So this battle is just not mine and I have issues with just not making things work for me. I love you all and I am going to try my best to blog more because I actually miss it so. I am out, be blessed!

Filed under: Family, Friendship, Love, Motherhood, Relationships, Religion, running my mouth, Too Much, Uncategorized

beans3bk — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 03:51:15 +0000

I havent posted in forever. All is well the kids are great and I am too. I am just trying to press my way. I have been trying to be a women of virtue but it is hard! lol God is just so good to me and even when people try to do things for my bad. He turns around and makes it for my good! I love you all be blessed.

Filed under: Uncategorized

beans3bk — Thu, 04 Feb 2010 04:57:40 +0000

I really feel like I should have something profound to say but I don’t. God is still keeping me and he is just working on me and my insufficiencies so that I can be all I am to be. I am really discovering a lot about myself and even more about the people I come in contact with. All I can say is that, Life is crazy, but God is good. He has been just moving things around and working them out for my good. He is about to revamp me and some things in my life and I have just put on my seatbelt because I know some things are about to happen for the good of me swiftly and I don’t want to be unprepared for my quick, but healthy change. I can feel it and I am so so happy for it. I believe that if you wait on him he will renew your strength and that is exactly what has happened to me. It is my season and I so deserve it. These last few months have humbled me and prepared me for what is in store. I am blessed and my family is also blessed. My father is going through Cancer treatment and I am now working in the Cancer center. This has allowed me to be more compassionate toward him and others that are experiencing all that he is going through. I am so grateful to God for healing. I know he is comforting me and restoring things and allowing new things to happen and allowing me to be closer to him. With so amny uncertainties, he is my only constant. I feel like he is bathing my heart and massaging it to open up and allow me to be the women I need to be not the bitter sister I was. It is hard to be hurt over and over and not be bitter. With forgivness there still is a wall or forcefield around my lifesource because it cant take another jab. I found out about a lot of lies and half truths and anything else just to keep me happy but silent so I was oblivious to the fact that the motives of folks were to break me down. I see all these women trying to figure me out so they can find my weakness and use it to their advantage but it matters not to me because in the end I am stronger. People putting my name in their mouths going on hearsay about me, not knowing me, just my rep. All I can say is Wow because if people knew me they would realize the things they hear don’t mean a thing because since I have decided to do a new thing, petty stuff just don’t mean a thing. I wish I would argue about a man. If I have to chase him or get into it with the next sister about him evidentally he wasn’t for me. What God has for me will be for me. Simple and plain so no need to bicker about things evidentally . I was wrong that wasn’t for me. Pardon me, and keep it moving. I am just embracing the future and grateful for the mighty acts because I am good. I am out, be blessed!!!!!!

Filed under: Family, Friendship, Love, Motherhood, Relationships, Religion, Too Much, Uncategorized

This is why I still prosper

beans3bk — Tue, 26 Jan 2010 04:32:28 +0000

Some things that go on in my life are not for others to understand becaus regardless of what you see, He saw the best in me!! I am out, be blessed.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vgwt-UhPhhs

Posted in Family, Friendship, Love, Relationships, Religion, Too Much, Uncategorized

Guard your Heart

beans3bk — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 05:15:14 +0000

What a profound statement. We had a guest preacher come in this morning and she gave a good sermon but one of her quotes that really made me take a look at things was Guard your Heart. That is so true, love God and allow him in but after that you need to filter whom else you let in the epicenter of your being. You cannot live without a heart. You can be brain dead and still alive but if your heart stops beating than it’s a wrap. So don’t give your hearts to just anyone, don’t let everyone that knocks on your door into the middle of the force that controls it all. Start being more selective on who you love. Now I know some might say, why listen to her, we all know what happened to her, but I know from experience. I was talking to a friend about trust and was simply like; I trust God and God alone. Me trusting in him knowing he will make provisions for me. I also know that the pain and hurt makes you stronger, the beans I am now is not the beans that started this blog. She no longer exists but what I have become is a new thing! Thing, lol. I have learned so much and I am so grateful for it all. God is going to fulfill his promise to me as long as I stay in line and continue to worship him for who he truly is. I had somebody tell me if you were truly grown, you wouldn’t have to write about it but I say I need to say it for those that try to get at me, like a warning. I am not moved by flesh period. People will be people and I just pray for them that try to hurt me because they will have to deal with God themselves. He fights my battles while I just sit back and marvel at his work. I have a destiny to fulfill and I know what he has worked out for my good, so I praise him in advance for what he is going to do. People watch yourselves and guard your hearts, allow God to move on your behalf and do not try to manipulate things on your own time because he works on his own time. I am out, be blessed.

Posted in Family, Friendship, Love, Relationships, Religion, Too Much, Uncategorized

You know you grown, When……..

beans3bk — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 04:21:37 +0000

I am just in a really good place right now, Nothing is perfect but I am so getting my grown woman on. I laugh because I am amazed at the level folks will go to to get up under my skin. I see them going through my old blogs not sure what they are reading or what they are looking for but I am so grown up out here it doesn’t matter. I am calm, cool and collected. I just sit back and thank God for deliverance from all the foolishness and marvel at the new things he is doing in my life. I don’t do foolishness, fake or petty. I am the same all day. Hate it or love it beans is going to be her. I live in such a small city and run with such a crazy group of folks that eventually everything that is done in the dark comes in the light. I laugh because I am too cool to get upset, Really how would I , me look lossing my cool. What would my fans think. lol So instead of acting crazy, I just grab my handbag and keep it moving because that’s what grown folks do. I am out, be blessed!

Posted in Friendship, Love, Too Much, Uncategorized

Just a quick taste of the beans!

beans3bk — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 04:41:05 +0000

This is my first post of the new year. So much has happened, so many things have changed. I have changed. Not because of the new year but just because I am on a different level. Things and people and drama that used to excite me now just roll off my back. I am so grateful that God has been working on me and working through me and using me as often as he pleases. My baby sister is getting married and I am excited. I think that when two people love each other and love each other for real and love God more than each other there is nothing more beautiful. I feel like the Mother of the bride because she is my baby but I guess I can let my brother in law have her. There are so many plans and details and ideas that have to be completed, because this is more than a wedding, it’s like a Gala so I am so into it. The kids are doing well. The grades were strong across the boards. I got a 4.0 but what else would you expect from me! I am becoming more independent and laughing as I come in contact with the people that knew me when , see the change in me. Because as you all know, and I don’t deny I used to be out there. Wild as wild can be!! Partied like everyday was my last. Had every man I wanted and some I didn’t want!! Lol But since I have changed and am on a different path folks don’t know how to take me. I look at some of the women I know and I am just in awe by all the insecurity they show about their man! I don’t blame them but they don’t realize, I don’t need that. I am done with that. My life and happiness is not based off a man . I am single by choice. After the knockdown, drag out with Baby, I have decided to just free myself from all that. Purge myself from all the lies and human worship and spend some time alone to be able to worship God like I should, free from my ego. Free from folks wondering who I am messing with. Right now I am simply working on the relationship that matters more than anything to me. My relationship with God. I don’t have to worry about him leaving, lying, or cheating because he is exactly who he says he is!. There is nothing fake about him and he is always there when I need him. I come in contact with men, good men everyday but I need to get this relationship squared away before I get in another to make sure I am equipt with the tools to withstand human love. I have forgiven my kids father, I am past all that and I never thought I would be. He don’t take care of them and he still don’t call them and do what he should but I have done my part so the rest he will have to do. See when you release anger and bitterness that frees up space for healing and prosperity. I am still praying harder and harder for all I can because I know God hears and answers my prayers. I had some vision for my work in his vineyard but I am still waiting on him to move. I love you all, know I am well, I am out, be blessed!!

Posted in Family, Friendship, Love, Motherhood, racism, Relationships, Religion, Too Much, Uncategorized