October 18, 2011

I have been waiting on something to happen to post! Lol My ego would dare not allow me to blog because my life has been so plain and uneventful! Lol I have not met Mr Right to wisk me off my feet. There have been a few Mr Rightnows. Lol Well I am just keeping it real. The kids are getting bigger. I am working at the Cancer Center and I feel like that is my true calling. My heart goes out to those people because they have receive the death sentence and committed no crime, but I know my interaction with them makes them feel better. Still trying to live holy, but it is an everyday struggle. This flesh stay getting me in trouble. I know God is seriously working in my life so I am not even trippin. I have to decrease in order for him to increase and his will for my life to become full circle! I told my friend that I promise this time when he gives me the desires of my heart I am gonna be nice. That’s all apart of maturity. I had to grow and lean and depend on him in order to see he was my true source. I thought it was that man! Silly woman I am. I am not mad at him, I wanted him, I got him and I would have done anything to keep him. It sounds like I was worshipping him more than God! Go figure  and to be honest the fact that Beans was gonna be Ms,   …….. fascinated me. Oh I had plans and how I was gonna laugh at others when they thought it wasn’t gonna work and it did! Well to err is human and I am finally at a place where I can be ok with it not working out. I have so many standards now I wonder if I am setting myself up for failure but at the same time, I need to walk in my destiny and ordinary just wont do. I have forgiven my kids father and my father too. Trying my best to not be bitter, but realizing I am human and I do need to grieve these situations so they can truly die! I cook more now, the kids complain but they prefer not to starve so they eat I have been wanting to cry all day!I just wanna lay on my face and sob like an infant. Tears cleanse the soul! The sad part is I can’t even bring myself to cry.I just need to release some of this, but the tears won’t flow. We all know I am a bit scattered but man it felt good just to sit and do nothing but random thoughts. Words can’t express my gratefulness to God for all he has done in my life. I am becoming a nicer passionate loving person. I thought I could never open my heart again but in actuality falling in love with Jesus was the best thing I ever done and no matter how many times I break up him, he is right there waiting for me again!

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