I have so much to say but no words to use!! This is all you get. Gotta figure out what words to use.
September 28, 2009
Life is crazy, good but crazy. You spend your entire life being and doing one thing then you switch it up and you see that you can do things different and be ok. My father is back home. It amazes me how God will turn a situation around. He does have a trach but he barely had a life so I am so grateful. You never know how it feels to be called in by the doctor. I was all by myself the blood was everywhere and here I was. That situation taught me so much that day. I had never been alone before until that day, I called on the Lord and he was right there. I sat in the room where they seat you when they tell you there is nothing they can do, all by myself. They talked I nodded, like I could hear them but I wasn’t even listening. I know God was there because I could feel his presence. This weekend I done something I have done in forever, I went somewhere by myself. I had a great time too. I so realized I am my own best company. Since I am changing the game up in my life I just sit back and laugh as people show their true colors. I am a single woman. I take care of myself and I deserve to be happy. I don’t care what anybody thinks about me. I know the truth; just because I used to be one way don’t mean I have to stay that way. I state this it is what it is. Some can deal others can’t. I am so happy that I have decided to make decisions for me and stopped tripping off of how it will affect others. If you don’t like how I get down then don’t come around. I am busy at work, had a great Mommy filled weekend. I am so blessed, I am out, be blessed
September 24, 2009
It amazes me how God will do things and bring things to you in order to see how you react. My entire life I have been a fighter, I want to win at everything. I don’t care what it is. From I Declare War to Bridge, yes I play Bridge. But what I am saying is this. I can’t always go into overdrive get into a situation and act a fool all for the sake of winning. What I have learned to do through the grace of God is to maintain my lane. Sit in my seat and allow him to move. I refuse to go off. I am an emotional person and I do have a big Ego, but at some point in one’s life they must choose to say nothing. I have and am learning that. Beans be still is what I tell myself. Calm down boo. Yes I said boo too. I am in a quirky mood but I am in a good one. No weapon formed against me shall prosper. I can’t talk about loving God and then do and say whatever I feel even if they do deserve it. So I will simply, thank God for who he is and all he has revealed to me and keep it moving. I have no need to do anything to win this battle because it is not mine to fight. I know what I am and who I serve and he wants me to act like it. I am out, be blessed!!
September 23, 2009
All I can do is laugh, you get no other reaction out of beans but a simple. LOL I am out, be blessed.
September 22, 2009
Sometimes, no matter how hard it may be you just gotta let some people go. After you’ve given them so many chances to act different and they still don’t, you gotta let them go. I was emailing a friend of mine and he knows the entire story of all that I have been through and he was just like beans regardless of what you feel some people just can’t be in your life. They are strictly seasonal. I know this and it hurts but I have to distance myself from mess for my own sanity. I got the long handle spoon out and I am putting folks on it. Some will know they are on it, others will latter discover they get no emotion out of me. I am a reasonable chick but at the same time I can’t keep letting people in and then they do something wrong and then I get mad. I was thinking to myself like why are you even mad? You know these people and they are acting just like they do so calm it down, take it is stride and keep it moving. You know a spade is a spade. Stop letting people use and mistreat you. You know its coming because that’s how it works and remove yourself from bad situations because you can feel one even if you don’t want to. My nine year old child said it best “If people don’t appreciate you done be they friend. I ain’t about to let people run they mouth or mess up my rep over stupid stuff. When they cross you cross them out. I promise you will be happier”. From the mouths of babes. Make so much since. I can’t expect people to appreciate me for what I am if they aren’t happy with themselves and why get mad because vengeance comes from the Lord. I keep saying this is it, you are almost there, stop letting complainers occupy space in your life. If you will notice, the same ones that try to play you are the same ones calling you to be there in a crunch. Don’t take on their emotional battles. You live for God and stop letting others dictate you destiny. God has called me to do great things and my latter will be greater than past. So I press and pray for those that want to do me dirty. Its cool don’t even worry about it, this aint even for them it is for me to stand on the promises of God and allow him to get the glory, I am out, be blessed…
September 18, 2009
Every day, I am on the grind. Trying to get it in, get all I can for me and mine. I let people in my space that don’t belong there and they ran a muck and I let them. I was on FB the other day talking about letting people in your life that don’t deserve to be there and I am tired of doing that. I love a project. Sometimes I think I am a personal social worker to people. I am taking on no new projects. I have goals, I set them and I refuse to lower my standards another day. No I am not perfect but I am the best of the best. I see it like this. If people like bologna because that is what they are used to, they just may not want filet mignon because they are used to bologna. I have tried to upgrade people but they aren’t ready. So fine, eat your bologna, feast on it for all I care. I am cool on the blended meat. Lol Seriously there is no possible way for people to raise their standards if they refuse too. Some people prefer to stay in their comfort zone. Challenge is not good for self centered egotistical people. Why deal with someone that is just like you when you prefer to deal with those that are beneath you to make yourself feel better. I will never understand it, but I know what God has in store for me and I am aware of his promises so I embrace them and all they have to offer. He has made changes in me for a reason. He has removed things from my life for a reason. He makes no mistakes and I refuse to falter for anyone. So I must stay focused. I am out, be blessed!!
September 17, 2009
Today I have concluded that family is everything to me. You all know I have been fighting this internal battle about Love and loving someone and allowing someone to love me again after all that has happened.I decided that I will open my heart back up and receive what God has for me when he decides to reveal. I know I have flaws but I also know I will be a beautiful mate for the right person. I have so much to give. I bring a lot to the table. I am not talking financials either. I bring the love of God and the ability and willingness to serve him. I also realize that everybody that tries to sit at the table will not be able to partake in the festivities because the seat and the setting was not prepared for them. I have told God what I wanted and needed and I was very specific. I believe that as I continue to pray and trust God for what he is doing in my life, there is only a little time. I am patiently waiting for him to move on my behalf and when he does, I will be ready to receive all that he has for me, I am out be blessed
September 16, 2009
I have been so busy, nothing has happened recently. All is well. I am seeing things and learning and growing. God is still good to me in spite of me. I need a vacation. I need a companion; maybe I’ll buy me a dog. No wait, I already have kids. Can’t take care of no more people. Lol I am just really feeling blessed. I have so many things to be thankful for. I am excited about going to church tonight I remember how I used to be excited about going out. It is mighty funny how things change. My diet is going well the weight is coming off, can’t lose too much don’t want to look sick, just better than everybody else at my sisters wedding. I gotta keep the thickness. Men like women with meat on their bones. I need to start toning. Letting my hair grow out. I got a small trim, but I know men like hair so the hair is definitely staying. I am really just rambling because this is my blog and I can. If you don’t like it kick rocks. Lol I am goofy, it feels good to be in a good mood for a change instead of being mad and acting silly over absolutely nothing. My father is better. I am out be blessed.
I am finally getting it!!! September 14, 2009
I am changing, my life is evolving, the things I used to do I choose not to do anymore. Some of the people I used to deal with I just don’t deal anymore. I had a really good weekend. My cousins and I had our first of many girls night outs. We had a ball. We went to see the new Tyler Perry movie, I swear, I laughed and I cried. The movie was phenomenal and I really could identify with the main character. I couldn’t believe how much it hit home. My love life is one with no love at this point and I know why now. I really think I have gotten it this time because my pastor basically preached the same thing on Sunday. I really am trying to focus on God more than anything. I have been going to prayer meeting and it has really been helping me. I realize that God doesn’t bless mess and you have to pray for what you want, and be specific. Right now I am praying for strength and the ability to be all my family needs me to be and clarity. I need to be able to see folks for who they really are, not who they say they are. You never can really tell if a person is genuine. So I am asking God to reveal all things to me in all that I deal with. I want him to make it plain so I may be able to see who is really for me or just want s to get in my life and cause disruption. I can remember life was so much different when I only cared about me and mines. I opened up began to care about others and then I got hurt. People don’t realize how devastated I was. Then I tried to save face because I am beans, I can’t come off looking bad. I had an image to maintain. Keeping it real I almost lost my mind and if it had not been for the grace of God I truly believe I would have. So since I have taken the emotion or dating factor period out my life it is a tad bit lonely but I am at peace. I don’t have to worry about somebody lying to me if I am not in a position to care one way or another. At first I was like I am cool, you cant have it all. I have a great life every where else so I am not going to worry about a love interest at this time, then I thought, but you deserve it. You have so much love to give and someone will appreciate you. So I will not shut down shop after all but I will be careful who I let in, I always say fools rush in. So I am taking it all slow and moving with God. No need to rush into anything because what God has for me is for me. So I wait on him to move and position myself to be ready when he does. I am out, be blessed!!
Love, yes Love September 10, 2009
I have so learned that some individuals are just delusional. One thing I have learned is that if it is all that and truly all that there is no need to speak on it. I am taking my steps daily to rid my life of trash and haters and I am so glad I can see them for what they really are. I write everyday just to release, it makes me feel better. I am happy to say that God has made so many ways for me that I truly don’t deserve he has blessed me in spite of me. I laid down all that baggage by the curb and now as I move on I clearly see that the drama of relationships is just so unnecessary. Love is not a drama filled game. It is not an argument between two grown women about a man. It is not mean. It does not cut deep, it just don’t work like that. What it truly is, is patience, kindness, it is warm and fuzzy and happy. I know yall like this chick has lost it but it is. You are happy to see the one you love come in a room. You are excited by the embrace from one that loves you. More importantly I learned that true love is not always physical; there is nothing more beautiful than someone loving you for you. I am not sure why I am all lovey today because yall know that’s not my style but there is a chance for love for all. God wants us to love one another and when he sees fit he will send the right one for you to love and you will know it. Sometimes people get so wrapped up in the visual of it all they don’t realize the spiritual side of it all. I had to learn that. Looks don’t mean a thing; it is truly the inner beauty that counts. Things like bringing me soup when I am sick, texting me just to say hey, calling me to check on my sick father Praying for me. That is how you show someone you love them. That is what a woman needs. Don’t get me wrong I love handbags, but all that fades and melts away but the prayers thoughts and kind words never fade. So if you have someone that truly loves you , you should be grateful and if you don’t yours is on the way, be patient and wait on God to send you what you need, I am out, be blessed!!!
beans3bk
