Mortality is real, if you have never dealt with it, it is a trip. My father has a chronic lung disease, his conditions continues to worsen. There is absolutely nothing I can do about it. He was rushed back to ICU yesterday; they wouldn’t allow me to see him so all I could do is pray. Praying for others at one time or another is really good but until death knocks on your door, you never know the true experience of it all. Last night my sister who lives out of state called me crying and I didn’t even know he was in there because my daughter and I had just went to see him that morning and his breathing was labored but he had his oxygen in and I was like he will be ok. I talked to him that afternoon he was fine. My heart is so full of sorrow to see him suffer but at the same time all I can do is pray. Not saying that praying is not a lot but at the same time I am thinking come on Jesus, it is time for you to heal. Then I think beans, you can’t tell God what to do. So then I think about my childhood and all that my father and I have been through and how he was never there and then I get to the point of now that as an adult he is a fixture in my life and the life of my children and I thank God for allowing me to care and to know and to love this man who assisted and giving me life. So I couldn’t hardly sleep last night, I just kept praying and thanking God for all he has done in my family. Praising him for the healing and the deliverance within me to put all the pain and lack aside I held onto as a child and just embrace the right here and right now of the fact that I am actually blessed to have him in my life now. So as I was talking to my sister last night she was crying and I just praise God for allowing me to minister to her. We had a conversation that we never had before and just letting her know that God will do what he needs to do in the life of our father. So I was cool but this morning on my way to work, I was just listening to my CD and all of a sudden, I began to cry and just sob because, I know my father has accepted Jesus as his personal savior but at the same time, me being a Christian, I know that to all who believe death is to gain. I say it all the time to others that experience these loses. Absent from the body present with the Lord. So I am just on the highway this morning crying like a baby. Thinking death is to gain for him but what am I supposed to do? What are my children to do? That’s when the selfishness of my flesh came in. I had to hold it together because I know we are all going to die some day, not knowing what day or what hour but it is certain but at the same time, not my daddy. He just got himself together; he is finally being the man he is supposed to be and now this. So I had to refocus and think beans why do you think God sparred him for so long? Why was he not taken out before? He needed to get to this point. You needed healing and deliverance from all the mess and now he is ok. All should be well with your soul. Stop being a conditional praiser and praise God for what he has done because he didn’t have to do nothing. So today as my father lays in the hospital bed in ICU I am confirming and believing that regardless of what it looks like and if my father don’t make it till tomorrow. God has had his hand in all of this. I know it’s not over until he says it’s over. So I need to stay prayed up and be strong for my family. Earth has no sorrow that heaven can not heal. I am out, be blessed.
“I know you are fine, but how are you doing”. August 28, 2009
As I develop my nicer side, I see that people will take your kindness for weakness. People are going to be what you allow them to be. Never give people that much authority in your life to control your smiles and cries. In my state of singleness it amazes me how people act. Just because I am single does not mean I need a man. For years I only functioned off of financials. If a man had this or that it was cool and we can kick it party or whatever. Once I fell in true love money didn’t matter. Now I am torn, which is more important. LOL No I am not torn but I swear. People say a man finds his wife. Why do all these people keep finding me? LoL . Not all but what I am saying is now that I can date others I hear some of the stuff they say. I am at the age where people use lines. My all time favorite is “I know you are fine, but how are you doing”. Whatever plan God has for me I really need him to make haste because I can’t take no more sorry pick up lines.
I got a busy weekend and I really need to clean my house and I think my refrigerator is dying so I am sure I will be busy. I am out, be blessed.
Still not much to say!!! August 27, 2009
I know you don’t believe it, but I am really just good and calm. I bought me an actual journal, AKA the Diary of a Mad Black woman so I could write down some of my personal wants and hurts so I have for some reason pouring my heart into that. YOu don’t really realize how messed up you were until you read it yourself. But I serve a God of deliverance and slowly but surely it is coming. I praise God for all he has done and the new things he is doing in my life. He always has a ram in the bush. So I am just grateful for that. Kids are great, I am good. All is well!!
Hmmmmm August 26, 2009
I have nothing profound to say today. I am good, all is well and getting better. School is good, the kids are good. I have discovered a few things about myself in the last few days and they are very beneficial to me. People still talking,I got individuals trying to be funny but I don’t care, I need them to realize that can and will never be me!!! No that was mean but real. You can’t think you can just walk in a role and assume the position of another and you weren’t even the first actor they called. It doesn’t matter to me. I am moving on to a new show and whoever was my understudy, sitting waiting for me to get sick to play my part should be at ease. lol You now have the oppurtunity to be the star of the show. The question is can you play the role as you predeccessor did. I am stupid, lol. I got work to do I am out, be blessed!!
The Grande Finale August 25, 2009
Today is a new day for me, the first day of the rest of my life. I have totally eliminated some things from my life so I can prosper. I think when you deal with certain individuals regardless if they want to or not they put you in a bad place. God does not want me in that place. I get the chance to walk away, I am away and then I am pulled back in. No more after what I said and done yesterday from here on out I am finished. I think as women we, well me, give man too much and then when they do whatever they choose to with it we, well me gets upset. I know this; I can not walk around professing how good God is in one tone and cursing folks out in the next. I did that. I admit that and I was wrong. But the thing about it is this. The Holy Spirit will convict you in your wrongness. I have felt bad since I did that. Not because of what I actually said or did but more because God was not pleased with me. Have I done some wrong in the situation, heck yeah, but yesterday, I was out of order and I know and I see that. I have learned when dealing with matters of the heart there is such a thin line between love and hate and if I am supposed to love everyone, I can’t hate. Did I manipulate the situation at times to hurt others because I felt like I was hurt? Yes. Through out that entire ordeal and leading up to it. Even though I could have taken the high road I didn’t. I didn’t want to. I latched on to the mentality, that if I can’t be happy no one will be. So I made him miserable and stayed close enough so anybody that close to him would be miserable because even if he was with them or dealing with them it was still all about me. I know and they knew it. Was it right, no but it was real. This morning, I was praying to God to release all the malice and hurt from me so I can move on. Not physically but at least emotionally. There is no way I can enter into a healthy new relationship still going back and forth in the last one. So it is over and I am ok. I have said it was over then this or that would happen and we would wind back up leaning on each other. When I say it is over this time. I mean it no more phone calls, emails, or text messages. If I allow a situation to take me to this place I was in last night, I might as well shut this whole blog down because God would be like you must be crazy. So as I pray to God for forgiveness of my mean and nasty ways. I also called him to ask forgiveness because the things I said were out of order. I once heard somebody say, you praise God with that mouth. Not cool. He sustains me and keeps me and I know he wants me to move and grow and I cant do that if I am holding on to an ended pass. So it is now time for me to knuckle up and move forward so I may be what I am supposed to be not cursing people out. I said all that to say that, I am not perfect God is not through with me yet and though I post about my blessing and goodness, I never make known my short comings and last night I fell victim to my flesh and ego, and that is not cool. I know better and I refuse to go back to that dark place in which I used to dwell. I am out, be blessed.
I am blessed to be a blessing August 24, 2009
Well I have been super busy doing the Mom thing, what a rewarding career. We went to Kings Island this weekend. The kids performed and did a wonderful job. God is so good to me and my family. The ways he makes are unimaginable. He is a blessing to me and my children. The trip was truly eye opening, and I can only praise God. We had 52 people and we stayed overnight. Being on a trip with such a large group of people is a trip anyway but then to get all the attitudes and biases added it was even more different. I wonder why some of the children act the way they do but then when you see how their parents act, it all adds up. I am one of the younger parents and yes I am the president of the parent boosters by default of course but what really tripped me out was the lack of maturity shown by some of these grown women. You can tell they have had rough lives and are not used to being with their children because by the end of the night all the kids were with me and the parents were in the bar or wherever. Well some anyway. I don’t mean to knock them because I know by them even coming at all it took them out of their comfort zones because they never go on trips with us. But a few of these women, just don’t realize how important it is to be a parent or the responsibility of it all. I am sure they were raised by parents that weren’t really parents because while they should be acting like adults they are still like children. I am not complaining I prefer the children to be with me than left alone in a hotel room by themselves. So after we left the park, me and a couple other parents took the kids swimming at the hotel. It was funny because one set of kids had never went on a trip so they thought they were moving in the hotel, how sweet the innocence was. Then it came time to eat. Well my funds were already limited plus I have three kids. Some of the mothers had spent all their money in the park and didn’t have money to buy the kids dinner. I am not going to lie at first I was like, damn, I am not feeding these peoples children, they right here, and then I thought beans you know better than that. Some of the other parents were like Oh well, don’t give them nothing. Yall know I can’t do that. I ordered more food. Because, regardless of what their parents were or were not, I know who I am and I know that the God in me would not allow me to eat and feed mine while others sat there and starved. The sad thing is it really made me lose respect for some of the parents that said don’t feed them. I would never not feed a child if I had it. The kids danced and partied in my room until, late into the night. I brought snacks for my kids, and yes I shared them some parents was like don’t be giving your stuff to them, they momma should have brought them some snacks, but she didn’t I had plenty so I passed them out the best I could. I gave them all drinks. Yes I bought the drinks for my kids but if I don’t help others, what is my purpose. I had to loan some parents money for this and that. Had to pay for a few extra breakfast meals. But it doesn’t matter. Some people were like you are stupid, I wouldn’t do that, but what they don’t realize is that regardless of what I buy, pay or spend. I want for nothing. God takes care of me and he has for as long as I can remember. I am blessed to be a blessing to others. Money goes away, food spoils, but the thought from those children that I fed them when no one else would will never fade. I am just sending up a praise to God for allowing me to take the trip and those children to go also. Some may have never gotten to experience that. I am just so happy that we made it there and back, safe with no harm or danger coming to anyone. I am thanking him for allowing him to use me in the ways that he does. I am out be blessed.
A second of praise August 20, 2009
I have been trying to post something all morning, but I have been running. It is so busy in my office. I amdetermined not to be defeated by the devil today. The struggle is so hard. I have been praying over my family and my children, I ask that God just keep us until I can get it all together. I have so many decisions to make as a parent and everyone I do make is so impotant. My head hurts most of the time because it is hard but if it were not for the bad times I could not celebrate the good. I am just getting through things day by day and as my change comes I know my deliverance is still keeping me. I am just so grateful to God for all he has done and continues to do in my life. I realized that trusting him to make a way is the only way. Last night and prayer meeting they said that serving God pays off and I believe that with my whole heart. So as seasons change and trials come I continue to press toward the mark for the prize. He has brought me through so much and rocked me in his arms as I run this race called life. I know he didn’t bring me this far to leave me so as i sit on the steps of my breakthrough, I am praising God for all he keeps doing for me and my family. I think at times I come off bitter or wrong but I am hurt and I have been bruised but I know he will never put more on me than I can bear, so I know if it is there I can bear it. Adding to my testimony of his goodness. I am out be blessed.
Not much to say August 19, 2009
Either I am going to trust him or just walk away. I am not into walking away so I better stayed prayed up. Praise will confuse the enemy!! I gotta lot of work to do today, but just know that I am good. I am so close to my breakthrough it is not even funny. God has special, just for me. I am going to do my best to make sure he knows I am thankful, because he did not have to wake me up this morning. So many people didn’t so I dont take his grace and mercy lightly. Lord I love you more than anything. I am praying for those that don’t know God and more importantly thos that do and still choose not to trust and depend on him. God is not a man that will tell you a lie. As I minister to you, I minister to myself. I love you all, I am out, be blessed
August 17, 2009
This morning was a trip for me. I barely got 4 hours sleep. It was the first day of school for my babies. I am so grateful to God for them. Some days they are the only reason I continue to exist. I have been going through it. So many issues at once. If it aint one thing it’s another. I have just been shaking it all off packing it up under my feet so I can just stand tall for the Lord. I was on the highway this morning. Listening to Rueben Studdard CD, had to switch it up but then In the morning, came on and I just began to cry because no matter what happened yesterday or the day before, it was now morning, and I made it through it. What a lot of people don’t know about me is this. I put my game face on you will never know what I am going through internally because I am strong. I keep it together and keep it pushing but even the strong get tired. I do know and realize that God is conditioning me for the war. There are many battles within a war and what really counts is who is standing at the final throw down. I am excited by all that is happening in my spiritual life, the more that happens the more I learn to lean on him. I am not a conditional praiser. I am still going to praise God though the billows roll he keeps my soul. My anchor holds and grips the solid rock. I am on that. I may post more later but I needed to say this this morning. I am out, be blessed.
beans3bk
