I normally never post twice but I have been doing some serious thinking and the Lord daily is revealing things to me. Either that or I have gotten outside of myself and seen the bigger picture. I am different and I know it. I got a call from a friend today, he was telling me about my name being brought up and how people know me or say they know me. How I used to date this or that guy. I need it to be known, not for any glory of my own but I did what I wanted to because I could. Men are so typical. If you know what they like you can do just about whatever you want to them and they don’t even realize it. Well that is the mentality of the old beans. Me being a new creature and all I have no desire to do that. I have decided to do some thinking and some soul searching and some serious meditating on my future. I think it will come as a surprise to some, but to those that know me and know my history you will be like I could have told you that. I think at times we can’t see the forest for the trees. I think that at times as things seem to come to pass we are always in protection mode versus being rational that we may not think things all the way through. I am going to let the Lord be my guide in all my future endeavors. I feel like he has given me a mind that is open to so much and a heart that deserves all the love there is to receive. I believe he knows what’s best for my children and me too. I dare not say anymore, but just know your girl is good. I say it all the time he sure does work in mysterious ways. Too much is going on and too many things are coming to pass. God works on his on time and his own plan and who am I to mess with it. Be on the look out. As he works on me, and I get better, he moves mountains that I never thought could be moved. I am out be blessed.
I need to decrease my sin June 30, 2009
You know the Lord works in mysterious ways. He does things and handles situations at times and it really makes you wonder what he is trying to tell you or show you. I am trying my best to get through all the things that are going on in my life and turning control over to God and not to myself. I am tired. I no longer have the desire to be the boss of it all. All I want to do is let him lead me in the path I should go. I couldn’t sleep well last night because there are a lot of personal things I got going on. No worries I can’t write about that just yet because we all know what happened last time. I was up early just praying. I woke up thinking, Fix me. Make me right, make me whole. Remove my ego from all of this so I can do what I need to do. I ask God to add some things to my life and take some away. I asked him to just come in and do an extreme makeover on me. Make me what I need to be. I was listening to this sermon on my way home yesterday and the preacher was talking about loving God and loving yourself and I got to thinking if I love him like I say I do why do I take myself through all these trials. Why am I crying if I know his will is what I want for my life? Why am I aching when I know that he has already promised to take care of me? Why do I feel like something is missing? You know what the missing link is. Me. Keeping it all the way real, you can manipulate man, but you can’t manipulate God. You can’t bargain with him because all he really wants is you. I was thinking about a lot. Then I just put it out there. Why should God bless me as I live in sin? Yes I know him and I love him yet I still seem to follow his agenda as long as it fits my agenda. You can’t serve two masters period. I know we all have sin, but to sin, know it’s a sin and think you cool because knows it then you are cool. You can’t be single and getting it in and think you are better than somebody else. He does not bless mess. As I work on decreasing my sin I challenge you all to do the same and see what happens for you. I am out, be blessed.
Things I have discovered June 29, 2009
I have so much to say in so little time. I know my trip allowed me to clear my mind and do some reevaluation of some things in my life. I thought about my children, my friends and my future. I thought about all the drama and how things went down with the break up. I thought about all the advice I get and give on facebook. I thought about how people perceive me. I thought about how I really am. I know that if people like me they really like me and if people dislike me they really don’t like me. I try my best to be nice to everyone. Have I made some mistakes, yes? But in this last year I have learned and grown so much. I have come across many stumbling blocks. I’ve cried myself to sleep at night. I have held others while they have cried. I have been a shoulder to lean on for some and a foot stool for others. I have taken care of so many other people’s children. I have had to sit back and allow my children to grow up and be a little more responsible for themselves. I have made friends and enemies. Not by choice of course, but I am praying that God forgives me for those whom I have hurt or wronged. I have become a woman. I have learned what and who I am. Being me is no easy task. I have learned to love again, but more importantly I have learned to love my self. For years I didn’t, I thought I did but didn’t. I know the closer I get to God the more I learn about me and what he wants me to do in life. My story is not one of great fortune or fame but it is one of how you can be changed in the twinkling of an eye and be who you are supposed to be if you let the Lord use you. I go back over all the past relationships. I have had all the heartache, all the pain, and the disappointment. I think about how I put so many things before God. Not intentionally but in reality just trying to get what I wanted, not necessarily what he wanted for me. I had to make decisions in my life that may have hurt me to the core, yet at the same time it had to be done to see God’s work. I have reduced so many of my former vices so I can have a clean heart and a clear mind so I can hear exactly what he wants me to do. I am blessed and highly favored. I know it just like I know my name I have not come through all this for nothing in the end when it is all said and done, he will sit me where I need to be so that others will see that if he did it for me he can do it for them. I can’t go off on anyone anymore. In the event that I am in a situation that is going to take me to another level I will simply just walk away. In life you must lose things and people to get what you are truly supposed to have. Not sure why I said all this but you know once it’s on my heart it is coming out. I just thank God for all that he has done and continues to do in my life, I am out, be blessed.
He sees my needs June 24, 2009
Life is a dirty game; it just is no matter how you try to stay out of it I get mud slung on me. Yesterday I was on Facebook talking to my peeps about trust. Without trust you have nothing. I have got to learn to trust again. I trust is God because I know he cares for me everyone else is suspect. Have you ever felt like you were playing a game and you had members on your team that did stuff for you to lose because they were all really rooting for the other team. I look back over my life and I see where I have trusted so many people and got disappointed. Then I think about how I was vulnerable and allowed myself to be. I wanted them to be happy forsaking the happiness of myself. I know without a doubt that people talk about me. I am not moved though because they don’t know what I had to do to get here. You encounter people on a daily basis that knew you when and that’s what they think about you now. Even those that you tell directly and they see the work of God coming forth in your life they just sit back and wait on you to fumble.
At times I think I put too much of my feelings on display. I am human as human as they come.
We are leaving for Chicago in two days and I haven’t packed a thing, the kids got all new clothes so it should be easy. I have some stuff too. I need to get away and even though I will have the kids with me we need to get away together. I have a few decisions to make regarding the next steps I will take and what better place to think that a charter bus full of kids, lol. I was thinking about moving out of town. Starting fresh starting new. But my children are at their schools and they have friends so I wont do that to them. These last few days I have been praying for renewal in my life. I need him to get back to where I was before. I am still on fire, but my spirit has just been on cruise control. At church Sunday they sang
“ Amazing grace, will always be my song of praise, for it was grace that bought my liberty, I’ll never know just how he came to love so, he looked beyond my faults and saw my needs” I mean it was like water works for me. “I shall ever lift my eyes to Calvary to view the cross where Jesus died for me. How marvelous that grace that caught my falling soul, he looked beyond my faults and saw my needs” If that doesn’t get you there I am not sure what will. I cried and I cried because that was it. Grace caught my fallen soul. See what people don’t know that is was grace that has brought me through it all, I am so blessed. No telling what the future holds but I know who holds it, so I am good. I am out be blessed
In the morning June 23, 2009
Where do I begin, hmmm? My life is crazy it may not amount to a hill of beans in the end but here lately I have had to climb some severe mountains, but no worries, God has sustained me and I am good. I have finally come to the realization that my relationship is over and I am ok. See I need to be real about all this because somebody might be going through the same thing. You plan and think and then when it doesn’t come to pass you go into a stage of disbelief, then anger, then hurt. Well I have done all that and now I need to focus on God and my children. I have decided that if I do the things I am supposed to do I will be satisfied. My dad was in ICU and now he has gone home. I have prayed over it and turned it over to the Lord. His will shall be done. I am thankful for the strength he is giving me to handle it all. My mom has sprained her ankle, she is having some health issues too but I prayed about that. Another worry gone. My children are in so many things and they have so much stuff to do that cost. Have I received any money from their father in the last six years, nope? But I prayed about that and it is gone. I have emptied out my worry chest. As a Christian it is a sin to worry anyway. God will take care of you. As long as you put your trust in him he will see you through.
We are going to Chicago Friday for the drill team competition and I am excited. I need to get away. When your life is so full of madness I believe at times you need to just step out of it, and go from there. As I think about all that is going on my mind is racing. I find that I start so many things but I never finish them. I hold on to so much that I really just need to throw in the trash. It is in me to be a pack rat. I hold on to things and people that I just must simply get rid of. They are doing me no good but I just can’t seem to move then out of my life. At times I feel like OK, I have a gun it’s fully loaded but I am scared to pull the trigger, I need to though. I am praying for the strength to do that. I know what and how I deserve to be treated and I can’t settle. I won’t. I feel like my entire life I have put the happiness of others above myself. I won’t do that anymore.
It is crazy because everyone around me is getting married. Wow not me. Oh well you win some you lose some. Sunday I went to hear live music (that’s my new thang) I met my sister and her fiancé’ and one of my girlfriends and her husband and me. I was approached by a few gentlemen and I seen a few of my former boos, but it just wasn’t what I was on. I was just doing me. Being me all by myself. Taking the time to think and reevaluate my next steps. Have you ever heard that saying “Fool Rush- in” That’s kinda how I feel about it all. I need to take my time and continue to focus on God. I had to learn the hard way, that everything that looks good to you aint good for you. So I will wait.
I am praising God for allowing me to see each new day and allowing me to do what I need for me. I was sitting outside last night and this song came on. “Ain’t no need to worry, what tonight is gonna bring, It will be all over in the morning” That’s how I feel about everything that that is going on in my life. It will be all over in the morning. Which is wonderful when you look at it. No matter what goes on today it will be all over in the morning. It’s crazy what happens when things go down, the very people you put stock in are the very first ones to stab you in the back. I am not worried come what may, long days lonely nights don’t matter because they will be all over in the morning. I know this is a lot of rambling but it was on my heart so this is what you get, I am out, be blessed.
June 19, 2009
It is Friday, I am so glad I just need time to detox. As I think of all that is going on I am so blessed right here and right now. Yall know I go through my spells, but this morning, I had to pull back out my Marvin Sapp. Number five will break you down every time you hear it. Well me anyway. I have a tendency to care what people think about me. Well not so much what they think but I feel like things should look a certain way and if they don’t that is a reflection on me. But the song has a part, “people were laughing because they‘ve know my problems.” I put them out there, so what am I to do, but keep it moving and keep it going and show them that God is bigger than any melodrama that I go through. I will be a fool if I don’t do what I need to for him. He has done so much for me. This too shall pass and all I will have is God at the end of the day. Some people think I had trouble letting go but it wasn’t about letting go but more about nurturing something back to health then sitting it out to the world. I don’t know but I do know that, I am so happy to be able to testify of the goodness of God to me. He uses me to just speak to people about his goodness. He allows people to see through me that serving God and diligently working for the Lord will allow you to excel. Yesterday I was talking to one of my dearest friends. We go through it, but we have been friends since we were 14. That is a long time, 18 years. I sent her an email and she called me, we will go for weeks without saying a word just emailing and her calling me yesterday like, Are you good. Made me feel so good because she has gotten me through so much, I can remember as a teenager over her house laying on her lap just sobbing about a situation I had no control of. I remember her just hugging me and telling me it would be ok. I so wanted to go over her house and just lay on her mommas couch and cry, but I am past that and that is where the victory of the Lord in my life comes in, I don’t have to do that. I can simply speak to her get that same confirmation and keep it moving. I have evolved, I have come to a new place in my life where regardless of what goes on, I know that I am a new creature and God has not put me here to suffer. He has allowed me to be a woman, and allowed me to care for my children and provided so many things. If it had not been for him I am not sure where I would be. I am so thankful to be able to handle my business and go about my day to day activities because I may not have won this battle but I certainly haven’t lost the war. Due to the fact I had no business trying to fight it makes me feel even more comfortable with it all. I am not sure why I needed to say this, but please know that I am good. I am out, be blessed.
June 18, 2009
As I look back over my life…… and think things over, I can truly say that I’ve been blessed, I got a testimony. I love that song and that’s just real talk. I am so good. Things are working out for the best for me. I know that people have been praying for me trying to get me where I need to be. Keeping it all 100, the events from the last few weeks now that they are over, have truly just made me stronger. I know you are like this chick is crazy she was just blasting “Oh Boy” 2 weeks ago, and maybe my rationality is a little twisted but I can sit here and clearly say I am ok. Last night I was watching “Why Did I get Married” and it really made me think. I could see myself in all the women characters even the cheating girl. Now mind you I have seen this movie before but I am drawn to the end when Jill Scott was standing by the lake and she was talking about how she was feeling about her husband and she was crying and she was like “I can’t even pray about” now here she is this woman of God, so hurt by it all she couldn’t even pray. Keeping it real I started to cry because I could feel that. Sometimes we go through situations that are just so hard for us to pray about, well I won’t say we I will say me. But as I sit here today, I can say that I am finally good. Was I hurt yes, was I mad yes. I am not worried about being in a new relationship men are everywhere. I was just outdone and in disbelief by it all. But what I was saying and I stated this before and I mean it with my whole heart. Trust in God, as long as you do that you will be fine. Trusting in man will have you messed up and not that it was his fault he is human and it was going bad. But I think I put too much stock in a human. People fall, they get back up. God is the same today, yesterday and forever. I am praising him for all that he has done and will continue to do for me and my children. I love them so and they are a blessing, this is all I have to say for now, I may post something later.
June 17, 2009
A new day, means a new opportunity for me as I strive to be the best I can be and walk this road I have truly learned a lot. Are my trials over no, but I am still pressing. I am not one to give up; I just don’t have it in me so I keep it moving. I am doing me the best way I know how. Growing up and being a grown woman is serious. Do I have to be calm, step back and look at things, yes I do. I have a serious sense of discernment so I can feel when something isn’t right. I praise God for giving me this gift because it allows me to see things just as they are. Straight, no chaser. I have been wrestling with a few issues on the emotional front trying to stay focused. I realize that when you have a higher purpose things tend to get in your way and mess you up, but I am not on that. I state it now and forever,” No weapon formed against me shall prosper” I have got to allow God’s will for my life to come forth. As I enter this new season, I am amazed at all that I see. I feel like when you wake up in the morning and rub your eyes, everything is clear. Views and thoughts I had before don’t matter because I know what it is. That makes me be able to walk around in a constant state of contentment. I think at times people do things to get a reaction out of me as if I am in a fight. I choose not to fight I will allow God to fight my battles and if I experience a loss I am not worried because I know in the end I will win. See I think some people don’t realize how important this all is to me and they really don’t have to I know what I am supposed to do and in time if he sees fit beans will have all she is supposed to. As the days grow longer my work load increases and I am good. There is always a ram in the bush, lol. I love that saying but it is so true, God will give you exactly what you need when you need it. Through all of this drama and craziness he still has not failed me. I can hold my head up high because I know that he knows what’s best for me. I feel like this is written in a somber tone but at the same time know that I am happy and God is so good. If you read this you know I only speak from my heart and this is what I was compelled to say today. I am out, be blessed
As for me and mine……. June 16, 2009
So much is going on, my life is crazy and I have to just laugh at it all. It is not bad just hectic. Between me working and doing the mom thing and sorting through all of my emotions I am tired. Some days life as the old beans was easier. I am realizing more and more each day what a complex individual I am. I know what I want out of life and I know what I need to do to get it. I am realizing that the best is yet to come for me. Since the young and the restless, well not even young, maybe it’s thirtysomething is over. I don’t know but what I do know is that I am ready for the next chapter. Last night I finally watched The Notebook, and it’s crazy because I bought the movie four months ago, yet I never sat down and actually took the time out to watch it. Some of it was all too familiar to me. I was thinking I wonder what would have happened if she chose different. I believe that all things happen for a reason and when you don’t understand the reason initially it will come to you at some moment in time unless you are a complete idiot.
My children are so crazy; you never know how much they know about a situation until you ask them. My two youngest act just like twins, they are 18 months apart but man they are some crazy little rascals. Now my oldest and my daughter who is in the middle they are only 10 months apart (don’t ask) they are like oil and water. We all have a special bond. I think they are such a blessing. Anywho, you all know Father’s Day is Sunday; we are having breakfast at church. My youngest was like I guess we can’t go because our dad isn’t here. My oldest who is a smart butt was like “Yes we can, Mama put on Grandpa’s suit”. Lol. Then my daughter who is beans reincarnated said. “We do have a father and he is with us everyday, Duh, God” I was almost brought to tears, not because they didn’t have a father but because they knew who their real father was. The boys chimed in like, “Oh, OK”. I try my best to be a good mom but the fact that I am their only parent I think makes it hard on them sometimes. So since all the stuff has happened to me and all the stuff I go through I realize I am doing something right. That makes me feel so good. I think about this:
Joshua 24:15
And if it seem evil unto you to serve the LORD, choose you this day whom ye will serve; whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the flood, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land ye dwell: but as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD
I can remember all the things that I thought mattered and all the times that nothing mattered but I see this is what really matters. I am going to serve God to the fullest, me and my house and sit back and allow him to take care of us. Not really sure why I had this on my heart this morning, but this is what it is. At this moment I am thanking God in advance for what he is about to do for and to my family. I am out, be blessed.
Realization June 15, 2009
Wow, where do I start? My weekend was crazy; I have really been feeling ok about all that is going on in my life. I have done some self evaluating and I realize that I think it is all about me and mine. Never really had to care before but with all that has happened I decided to take an evaluation of beans. I am me all day everyday, hate it or love it you get what you get. With my journey and trying to be a woman of God I learned a few things about me. I go over all my past relationships, the good ones and the bad and I realize that if it went bad or was bad is because the focus came off of me. Now I am being transparent for a brief moment. I like what I like. I like nice things. My mom exposed me to nice things so in a relationship I expect the same. From myself I expect the same. If you can’t afford to buy me nice stuff just keep it, that’s just what it was. I look at my kids and this morning, I was talking to my daughter I gave her clothes to put on, and she had the nerve to be like I wore this before. I think it was like 3 weeks ago and then I think I need to do thing different. But that is another post.
I had a different evening Friday; it taught me a lot about my future and what I need to become in order to be happy. I learned some unexpected things but more importantly I learned the truth.
Saturday morning, I had an eight AM hair appointment but Friday was too much so I skipped out on that, and went at 11:00. I took my son to the drum workshop and then after leaving the beauty shop, I just drove and thought and pondered about the next phase of beans. I went to TJ Maxx and I got a few things for the kids. Got them dressed and went to a graduation picnic with most of my family. We had a nice time. I love my cousins we are so close we are basically like brothers and sisters. All the kids, it was nice. After that we went to hear live music. My girl can sing. I have no clue why she doesn’t have a record but she is a beast. So that was cool. I had a good time but I was so tired.
Sunday morning, I was feeling like skipping church but God don’t skip me so I got the kids dressed. It was women’s day; I was supposed to bring fruit. That was a different nightmare but when I got to church, I felt like God was waiting on me because our service was on fire. They sung my song ”More than Anything” I talk about it all the time but the love of Jesus is a personal experience and if you haven’t received him fully in your heart you don’t know. I won’t go into the lyrics, but My God, it is a powerful song. I tried not to shout not because I wanted to look cute but my kids get scared. Lol. Oh well I was done. I had to. He brought me out of this last storm unharmed and not behind bars. I am so grateful to God for walking with me through all this. If it had not been for him, well you’ve seen snapped. Lol no but seriously it takes a mighty God to heal such a broken wounded heart. You know that God is with you when no one else is. I feel his presence. Sometimes, I am driving my van, I feel like looking in the rearview mirror to see if he is sitting in the car, that’s how much I feel his presence. We had a guest pastor and she brought it on home. She spoke on Grace and mercy out of 1 Corinthians. I was just so moved and felt so warm by what word came forth .so my spirit was so full, I think I am going to be OK, I started to do some list of all that I need to do. God will work this out for me and I will be a winner in the end. I enjoyed my family all Sunday afternoon and then I had to come to work. I thank God for sustaining for just one more day, and I am firm in what I said before, if he doesn’t do anything else. He still I has done enough. I am out, be blessed
beans3bk
