Yesterday was a trip, I was attacked on every front period. I talk about transparency and keeping it real and a comment posted on my blog was just a tad bit too real for me. Or was it? It was posted anonymously by someone that has either been following my blog or knows me very well either way, it was truthful and the words stung, like a knife. But beans is real so I posted it. My Grandma always used to say, tell the truth and shame the devil. Let me say this. I don’t know who it came from but as I put my life on front I have to be ready for the reprocussion that just may come. I am still blessed and I am still good. Not sure what’s next for your girl but I know that God will be all up in it. I am out be blessed.
Give me a milk crate and a megaphone, I got work to do!!!! May 27, 2009
Another day, I made it through. Some days are harder than others but God is so good to me that I am so blessed. I have been praying for a peaceful attitude. It is coming slowly but surely, some days, I just want to blow a gasket, that is so not a good look. I have prayer meeting tonight and I am pumped God has revealed so many things to me in the last few months. Things that I really never wanted to see. I am glad he has shown me though. I noticed that some hits are hard but you do recover. This mom thing is really tiresome. I bought summer clothes in advance this year so for right now they are good; I need to just add a few pieces here and there. I need to get some sandals too, but that is nothing it will come. I have been going over their schedule for the summer it is pretty tight, I hope they will be able to get a little rest, but an idle mind is the devil’s workshop so the busier the better. Being out of school for the summer is a welcomed break, I can just sit back and think about nothing some days, just be dumb. Lol I believe God is wanting me to do some, but I am not sure what. Have you ever felt like, what you want me to do now Jesus? Not in a complaining manner but more like you pick me; you already know I am not worthy but OK. My life is looking better, not so much perfect but more positive. I learned that something lost will only be a greater gift from God later. People need to be more transparent when it comes to God. That is real. Do I need to tell you every bit of dirt I have done in the past 32 years no, but I do need to let you know that I was low, probably lower than some of the lowest of low. I mean deep down,lol. Naw but that’s just real. Regardless of my lows you are here to see me in my highs and know there are highs. I think if I just went into the projects, with a milk crate to stand on and a megaphone and told my story about how good God is and what he has done for me, people would just run up and get saved. I know they would. If I tell them what I used to do and what I do now. You talking about some souls that would be saved. I might try that, what yall think, I’ll keep you posted. I am out be blessed.
This is nothing, it will pass too May 26, 2009
Man, I have so much to say and so little space to say it. I have had a vast number of highs and lows this weekend, but I am grateful so much to God for getting me through. I promise you I will try to make this as concise as possible yet still get my point across. Have you ever heard that saying “this too shall pass”. I used to hear that all the time as a kid, “What two” I used to think. Then I get older, I have children, I get in a bad relationship, a single parent, lose a few jobs, try to pay bills, try to feed my children, try to keep a dependable babysitter, try to keep a car running. Now I see the “too”. I think as I grow in the Lord and he orders my steps in the way they need to be I am so sure that the things in my life that come my way to deter me and break me down, too shall pass. My baby graduated from Kdgtn Friday and I know he is seven but he had some serious problems and when I think back to all the times I worried and prayed over my baby I couldn’t help but thank god for his mercy and favor. Is he a little behind yes but he is here. That’s all that matters to me. People always get so hung up on what others think about their present state that they don’t realize the state they could have been if they weren’t blessed with what they have, but that is a post for another time. Back to my baby, he is now in the first grade and in twelve years from now he will be graduating from high school. I know some would be like dang she is really forecasting out far, but I am looking at the big picture. I am so blessed to have three unique gifted children. Have they had some problems, have there been issues, yes but it all passes away. In serving God I have learned to depend on him, in that 11th hour if he sees fit he will make a way. If circumstances occur and they don’t happen how you think they should you keep on serving and believing and the very thing you thought was going to destroy will be turned around and a tool of one of your greatest joys. Some days I sit and I go over my life in my head. I view situations, I view past relationships, I view all the hurt and the pain. The seasons of plenty and the seasons of absolutely nothing. Then I think about what would I be if I haven’t gone through all this. would I be able to talk about how good God is if I didn’t know him for myself. When you actually meet him at your present state it is completely different for you and your outlook. I just ended a relationship and it was supposed to last one and he was supposed to be the one, I know yall read about how wonderful my baby was and how he was God sent and how it was so perfect and everything would be wonderful. See and this is where my faith comes in, see when it was all good and I was in love, I was singing praises to the Lord and for those of you that doubted me and my sincerity check this out. See my man, baby, mister terrific, is gone and I am praising God harder than ever before because at the end of the day, I know that Jesus loves me. Everybody else is suspect. Love between two people don’t conquer all but the love of God sustains and endures no matter what. So once this all passes, I will add this to my testimony also and continue to do the work of the one who sent me. You never know what God has in store; he may put us back together. You can’t put anything or anyone for that matter in between the most valuable relationship you will ever have and that is your relationship with Christ. Heaven and earth will pass away. He is the only constant in the end. I see so many women lose their minds about a failed relationship. I see so many people decide to end it all because their mate left. Not your girl. See it’s like this. God did not allow my deliverance to come in order for me to fall out about a failed relationship. Please, he delivered me so I could tell others about his mighty healing power and I will continue to tell those that don’t know about the one that finally made me whole, again. So when this is all done, and it passes, I will still be walking in the victory he has ordered my steps for. I am not sure why all this came out but it was on my heart and it just may help somebody, I am out, be Blessed
My Hope is Built May 20, 2009
I am a very emotional person. At times my emotions get the best of me. I really haven’t been blogging lately because I feel like my blog is becoming more of a soap opera than a source of inspiration so I decided I needed to fall back reevaluate my focus and get back with you. First of all I am not perfect, but if you read my blog I am sure you are well aware of that. Lol These last few days I have had some serious free time being single again and all. It feels weird not to phone somebody about your every move or confer with some one about this decision or for once not have to see what somebody is doing because that bond is gone. Now we are friends but at times I really think that kinda complicates the situation even more. There are things that he says or does that I don’t necessarily agree with but that is not my place to speak on anymore. So I am learning and I am growing. I will say this. Through it all, I have learned so many things and I am a better woman for it. The older I get the more I realize that you just can’t please some people. You can try all you want but if they don’t want to be happy they won’t. I am a fighter to the end, but I needed to tap out. I really didn’t want to because I was a believer that love conquers all. Sorry folks that is a tale. Love conquers a lot and it makes it easier to be with someone because you love them but it don’t fix everything. I learned that you must build your hopes on God and God alone. You know that hymn, I think it is called the Solid Rock but it is like, My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus blood and righteousness, I dare not trust the sweetest frame but holy lean on Jesus name. When I was younger, I used to be like what are they talking about, they sing the dumbest stuff. Well, as time and experience would have it. My hope is built…… People don’t realize that the beauty of God is the fact that he don’t get rid of you when you don’t do like he want you to do. He don’t get tired of your mouth. LOL. Not that that was my problem. But seriously, there is an unconditional love that he gives that no other can give. They may love you but they can’t stand you so what good is the love. So today my hope is built because in spite of me, he first loved me when I didn’t have enough sense to love my self. I am out, be blessed
He loves me May 18, 2009
I have been really been holding back blogging for the past few days, I have never went this long without giving yall a serving of beans. Well I am back and I am not moved. I feel like Job. Don’t get me wrong it’s not that bad because it still could be worst. I was lying in the bed in pain for three days last week. So much pain that I couldn’t function. I went to the doctor, I had an abscessed tooth which really sounds menial but, the doctor said it had started to drain and I didn’t want that because poison in my system could get into my blood stream and kill me.(Sorry for the grossness). In other words if I would have waited a few more days I could have died. So back to me I get home and my mouth is throbbing, if you’ve ever had kids it felt like contractions of hard labor in my mouth. So Wednesday. Is when it started no it actually started Tuesday when I took the kids to wrestling. I hit the side of my face on a sign. The kids had a ball but that is another post. I have been really going through it, but I can’t stop. I know it will be better for me if I can get through this last rough patch. I rested and laid all weekend. My family and friends came to see me, people brought me stuff I felt so special. My relationship is over. It is all gone and I sobbed and I cried and I cried and I sobbed because that’s what you do when you love something and don’t want to let it go. All those post about me and baby doing this or being that none of it came to pass. I know what God told me and I know what he said was in store for me but somehow, in the midst of it all we grew apart. I feel bad for me, but I feel worst for my children because I know they wanted a father and to be a real family. There is nothing I can do about that. I tried best as I could but sometimes that just isn’t good enough. I began to question God like why me. But then I thought why not me? What makes me so much better that I can’t be hurt, so like I say all the time he has done enough. I learned a lot and in time my heart will heal. He has made me that woman of virtue. I have come such a long way since I started this journey. I know he knows what’s best for me. Though now I walk alone, I know he will be beside me to pick me up when I am tired and can’t go on any longer. I think about all that could have been and though it’s gone I will still bless the name of the Lord. I was listening to this sermon the other day and the preacher was like, yeah you can say God is good when you see the good. The question is can you say how good he is when everything around you is caving in and there is no good in sight. This is where the rubber meets the road where I become a real Christian. I am here to say it, he is still good. The preacher also said there are sometimes that you have to go through a season of nothing because your blessing is on the way. I am not going to lie; I know I am going to be lonely. This is only part of my testimony also. Yesterday at church, they were singing an old school song. My Soul Loves Jesus. I mean I cried because even though I am hurt my soul still loves Jesus. Then it was like He is a wonder in my soul, bless his name, then there is no danger in Gods water, it landed many a thousand. Man I get happy just typing. Then I thought of Oh How I love Jesus, because he first loved me. He did. I didn’t love me but he did and he does and he will take care of me. See the crazy thing is financially, I am good. At times I just feel like there should be someone there just for me. God will be there. Well I really don’t know why I put all of my business out there but I do know this. I am still OK. I am good because God is good to me. I am out, be blessed.
May 11, 2009
There is a lot on my heart today, some things I want to say but can’t. As I get older believe it or not I get wiser. I think now. I used to be a whimsical person, do things at the drop of a hat. Now I think I absorb, I pray, then react. Some of the problems I have are because of my own bad judgment and poor planning. I am still blessed. I had an enjoyable weekend nothing like family and friends. I think a lot has been revealed to me in these last few days. I feel like blinders have been taken off to allow me to really see. Church was good. My pastor spoke on what happens when something happens that is not in your plan. I look at my life and it is such a trip because I know that feeling. I rehearse the days of my early twenties over and over and just think, if I would have know then what I know now, I would be in great shape, but I didn’t. There is no since crying over spoiled milk. I got some lemons and not only was I making lemonade, I am making sorbet. I did whatever, things happened problems arose. What I thought was one way turned out to be different but I am not even made. I praise God for the opportunity to learn so much, bump my head and come out ok. Mother’s day was special to me because I am a single mom and it is hard. I work, go to school, and tend to my children’s needs non stop. I make it a point to be a good mom. I am all they got. If I don’t get it, they won’t have it. Being a single parent is a humbling experience. No child support, but three other people to take care of. I find myself praying everyday for the Lord’s help to provide. He does, above and beyond, as I sat in church, I was so pleased and proud because they were mine. This little people sent to me by God. My pastor went on to talk about how Hannah prayed and asked God to send her a son and if he did, she would give him back to God and he ended up being a powerful preacher, Samuel. Hannah had a husband. I don’t but I feel her. I think like you gave them to me and I am going to do my best to train them up so they can be used by you. I don’t know what they will be but I pray for them to be bold for Christ. Right now they are oblivious to what’s going on. I laugh because they play too much, but I think before you leave here if you really live you’ll be shouting yourself. I can’t shelter them from everything but I need them to know that God is with them. I also know that God is conditioning me to be a virtuous woman. People are so vying for the position I hold. I laugh. It is what it is. I used to get mad but now I laugh because no matter what tactics you try, say or do, you will never be me. So I sit back and I watch and I laugh. Matter fact I will pray for them. That God will allow them to find happiness, because what he has for me will be for me. I am out be blessed!!!
May 7, 2009
Today I am still filled over the prayer meeting we had yesterday!!!! We sang and prayed and I left out of there full. I was so grateful to be in agreement with believers, touching and agreeing in prayer. The Lord has done so much for me. I am just so happy he is doing a new thing in my life. I am steadfast because I know he will work it all out for me. Things occur and I get disappointed but my hope is built on Jesus. On Christ the solid rock I stand all other ground is sinking sand. So since I know that no reason for me to upset over this or that because while people change God still remains the same. Yesterday, today, and forever. I can’t worry about what others do to take me back to who I was because my living will not be in vain. I think about my life especially since my birthday is coming up and I am not going back to all that raggedy living. I am a mom and I am going to raise my children and be the parent that they need because I am all they have. My youngest who is seven but he is in the kindergarten because he had serious health problems when he was born and that caused a developmental delay. He is fine now. Praise God. He is graduating from the Kindergarten and he is so excited. I am too because at one time we didn’t know if he was even going to get to this point. I asked him, I said, After your graduation, I am going to take you out to eat, he said OK, I said where you wanna go, he said McDonald’s. lol I told him a restaurant, then he said, Oh , O’Charleys so we are gonna go. I love my kids so much and they are such a blessing to me. I am just so geeked because there are so many other places I can be right now. No I am not rich and everyday is struggle, but I have decided to make Jesus my choice. It would be nothing for me to get out here and get it. Because I know it is out here but at what cost. As long as my children are happy and healthy, I will be fine. I am out; stay encouraged, and be blessed!!!
Standing in your will May 6, 2009
You know regardless what happens, whatever comes my way I will still continue to bless the name of the Lord. Some people don’t get that. I am drawn more to God with every set back I come across. Last night I was at home, on youtube, and I played Standing in Your Will, by Men of Standard. The words were so powerful, I am paraphrasing, I won’t give, won’t give in, I’m holding on, till the end. I will be steadfast unmovable always abounding in you. I promise you Lord I am staying in your will. I listened and I cried. I cried and I listened and that is where I stand today. I won’t give up, I can’t give up. I have to be steadfast. This is bigger than beans and her measly everyday problems and as I cried, the phone rung and it was a neighbor little girl calling to borrow a pair of shorts from my daughter because she didn’t have any to wear. Wow, then I thought beans, this is what you are called to do. You do my will and I will make sure you are ok. That’s what I felt like God was saying to me. Don’t worry about what’s going on around you. You give, you help, you live a life that you testify about and I will take care of the rest. So I finished my cry and went into action. I got the little girl something to wear and I told her this weekend she can come over and we will see what else I have for her. I am not saying that for the glory of beans but I am saying that for the glory of God, he has blessed me with so much that he can allow me to give things away. What I gave her was fairly new I think my daughter wore it once or twice, but it was just one of many. This child had nothing and she asked and received and there was the work of the Christian. If I can help just one person, my labor is not in vain. So as I fight the enemy head on I am standing in the will of God and he will protect me because he knows I am trying to do right. He knows I am trying to be better than I was before. He has equipped me with the strength to with stand everything that comes my way so with that being said. When my money is funny, I will not complain about what bills I can’t pay, I will praise him for allowing me to pay all I can. When my kids won’t act right, I won’t curse God for sending me these crazy kids, I will thank him for the belt he sent me. Lol No but seriously. When people mistreat me, I won’t get mad and act a fool. I will pray for them and thank God for those who treat me right. When it’s all said and done and I am here no more, I will be at peace because I know I have been in his will. My pastor was talking about this Sunday and I so agree, if they burnt the church roll what other evidence would there be that you were a Christian? Good one huh. How is your life? What about your living? Will anybody be able to stand and tell him on your behalf? Just a few thoughts I am out, be blessed!!!
I work for Him now May 5, 2009
In an effort to be where you need to be you have to evaluate, then think, then re evaluate. I look at my life and in these last few days I have to wonder if what I think God has for me, may not be his will for me. I wrestle with so many things; so many daggers are being thrown at me. Trying to break me down, me, beans. I just be like oh I can fix this or I can fix that. I feel like the band aid queen. No more fixing, no more sugar coating, no more patching up. I can’t walk on eggshells my entire life trying to make folks happy. I have come to realize that mess is exactly what it is. You can dress it up, but at the end of the day it is still mess. People will do their best to see you fall try to make you lose, well not your girl. I am proclaiming victory over my life. Those that choose to fall in line are more than welcome to cross the finish line with me. Those who are pulling back trying to break me down I will kindly step over them and keep it moving. I see it like this. God is going to get his glory regardless. I don’t want no rocks crying out for me. He has ordered my steps and I am finally ready to walk in his will. My actions will show him how grateful I am. Talk is cheap; I am called to live a life that is pleasing to him. If it is pleasing to him then it will be pleasing to me. People, humans, flesh are not all of God. They wait on you to mess up; they look for you to falter. The devil sends them into your space to try to break you. It is up to me not to conform and act a fool and allow God to use me. If I am cursing people out God can’t use me. I need to say this no matter what people may think of me or how I am unworthy or unfavorable, you don’t know my story and you don’t know me, so you don’t know what I had to go through to get hear. I am still going to do what I need to do and tell my story of how in spite of me God continues to bless me. So once again, like always, I will praise him in advance for all that he is going to do in my life and know that if he doesn’t do anything else he’s done enough. I am good and I will continue to be because that is what I do .The only difference between me now and the me before is that I am working for Jesus, I am out, be blessed
The Great Stimulator May 4, 2009
This weekend was the best of times; it was the worst of times. Lol That sounded really monumental. Friday night I did nothing, sat at home alone. Saturday I got my license, I haven’t had a driver’s license in ten years, now I hadn’t got in any trouble but I am like if I am going to change my life and do right, the first thing I need to do is get my license, so I did. With the help of my baby. Plus he has been in my ear forever, so it was a must. We are working on us, and that is all I will say about that. In time I believe if something is to happen it will but we are focusing on self fixing. We don’t need to be two broke down people together when we can be so mighty if we just do what we are commissioned to do all else will fall into place. But that is not what this post is about so I am switching back to the topic at hand. In my independent self actualization time I have learned a lot about me. I have been reflecting on the goodness of God and all that he has to offer and what he has done for me. Yesterday at church they baptized five children, they just happened to be my sisters friends children but they are young and they just started coming to church, so I am going to make it my job to encourage them. While I continue to work on me. We are developing different ministries and I am on the evangelism committee so we will see how this goes. School is out for me, so I will be in prayer meeting and I am contemplating singing on the praise team again since I can make the rehearsals now. I have taken a step back from all of what I used to do, I have cleaned out so much of the pain and baggage I was carrying that I think I am at a place where I can truly stand on what I know. My whole thing is this, I am not an entertainer. I am a worshipper, and I just felt like I was part of an act we shall see. I want to live a life that is pleasing to someone other than myself.lol. I think about all I have and all I have been and I am like this is my story. People need to know there is recovery from all this. With the help of God you do bounce back. I was laughing everybody running around looking for a stimulus package to boost the economy. If they knew what I know they would get with Jesus and he will meet their needs. He is the great stimulator. He will make it so you want for nothing. He will bless you with abundance to where you may give to others. I can shout on that alone. I am not rich, and no I don’t be balling out of control but I will tell you this, I want for nothing, my father is rich with houses and land. I am out be blessed.
beans3bk
