In an effort to keep it all together, I have really been keeping my posting to a minimum, I am so busy lately running here, running there doing this and that trying to stay busy. I feel like if I am busy, I don’t have time to focus on the negative. My quest to be a better me is so full of drama and heartache that at times I can’t even see straight. I will not falter from this though. This battle will soon be over and I will be victorious. I am made for this. In my newly single life it is funny because I am used to being with someone, telling them I am doing this or that and now I don’t. Sometimes I want to just call myself. Lol. It is taking some adjustments but I know I will be fine. I am an overcomer. I am working on me. We were talking about this the other day, a man finds a wife. He finds a good thing. Or in my case a he think he finds a good thing and then he realizes it is not what he really wanted after all. It’s not all that anyway, the more I focus on God and my children the more I will be fulfilled. I am happy in Jesus alone. All alone.lol I can’t even believe I am laughing about it but some days you have to laugh just to keep from crying. So I laugh and I pray and I parent. I concentrate on what I need to do to get the word out there that regardless of what you are going through Jesus still saves. I add to my testimony. Quietness allows me to focus and function, it allows me to put things in perspective. Makes me think. I am trying to decide on the date for our first mini vacation this summer. I think we will go to Indianapolis and tour the children’s museum and go to the zoo. We are also going to Chicago with the drill team. It should be interesting. I have been blessed to hopefully do a little something with my business and hopefully the money I receive will be able to fund our trip. Some people need a lot of motivation. I got a motivational team of three and they don’t even realize that they are what keeps me going, they are what keeps me focused. They fight and argue but they give me drive to do what I do. They make me want more and strive for excellence. I love them so much. OK, Just a few thoughts, I am out, be blessed.
April 28, 2009
Today is weird I made it through the weekend. I realize that I will be fine. I am trying to see my flaws and realize I have them. My cousin posted something the other day and it really stuck in my man. How can a Christian woman be looking for a man. The bible states that a man finds his why yet I see it everyday women looking for men. I used to do it myself. Lol Well yall know I am going to keep it real, but you can’t get a man or be found until you are right. You must search yourself. Have you had a history of bad men. Nine times out of ten you were wrong. If you get right you will attract a right man. Let him seek you out don’t go chasing him. I know yall are like she is the last person to be giving advice but I am telling you from my own experience. I really don’t have much else to offer today just wanted to throw that out there so you guys didn’t think I forgot about you. That was on my heart this morning. Seek God, he will give you the rest, I am out, be blessed!!!
April 24, 2009
You know the more I try to do right, the more I am bothered by the devil. I see it and I accept it. In order to get there he will stop at nothing to break me down. Last night, well yesterday he had me. But I am back, I bounce back, no weapon formed against me shall prosper and regardless of what is going on in my life, I am still going to church tonight. I am still going to do what God has shown me to do. My relationship is over and all the plans I had for the future are gone with it. Like I said sometimes you gotta lose something to get something. Yes it’s hard and that’s just being real, but I gotta press. So I can do what I need to do to be a better me. When you lose focus on what you are called to do this is what happens. Like I just said yesterday, all I had he gave it to me. If he never does anything else, he’s done enough and I am walking by faith with that. My needs will be supplied and he will set me in the right place. If I keep my mind in the game, I will win and get the prize I deserve, I am out , be blessed.
Ohhh, You got the Holy Ghost!!! April 23, 2009
I was going to post last night after I got out of school, I got home about 9:30 but then I had such a tiresome hell filled day that I decided to open this email from my friend it was Fantasia and her Momma singing. He’s Done Enough. OMG, it really touched my spirit so I decided to go on you tube. First I played; “I Won’t Complain” this song brings such joy to my heart because I have some good days, and some bad days. Yesterday, but then I listened to the words which of course I know and ultimately all of my good days outweigh my bad days so how dare I complain. You talking about the clouds hanging low. Lord have Mercy, I can hardly see the road. So I ask the question Lord, why so much pain? But the victory comes in, in the next part, for he knows what’s best for me, and though my weary eyes they don’t, so I’ll say thank you Lord! I am sure if you know the song you feel me. So then I went on to Kim Burrell singing Thank you Lord. Wow. I could have laid on my face at that point. Tragedies are common place. It could have been me, I know, with no food, or no clothes, ……. Or just another number without tragedy, but he didn’t see fit, to let none of these things be. Yall not feeling me because yall just don’t know. After that I went to Great is your Mercy, Live. By this time I was in tears, snotting, crying, and shouting in my living room. My kids were sleep. I woke up my daughter. She was like, Ohhh you got the Holy Ghost I am going back to bed. Lol. I love my kids, but I just needed to shout it out. The mess that is going on in my life is only happening because I am going to do the work of the Lord. I was listening to this sermon and the preacher said sometime for God you got to give it all up to follow him. So with that I say this. If I am left with nothing so be it. He gave it all to me in the first place. If my love ones all go away he blessed me with them when I didn’t deserve it in the first place so if my blessing was just for that season, I need to thank God for what he did. Praise him for the time he allowed me to have that joy and continue to diligently seek him. In seeking him, he will supply all my needs. So if I am lonely, he will be there, if I am sad to him I go. People see me and are just so amazed that I am not married, they be like you. But what they don’t know that what God has set up for me is something that won’t do with just any ordinary man. He needs to be a man of God because I am about to do a new thing in him and he will supply my needs. I know some people are like she is telling all her business but I can’t half testify. Right now my relationship is going through a transition, and in the meantime what is going to be will be. I love my baby, but if I love God like I say I do, and I do. I need to sit back and allow him to move in my life. I can’t half serve God and that is my top priority. My kids, then my relationship. They are not part of the game, they are the prize so if I keep my mind focused on the game eventually, I will win the prize. I hope this is not too deep for anybody, I don’t even know who will read it, but if it does touch you then that’s who it was for, I am out, be blessed!!!
April 22, 2009
You see the devil is so funny the minute I said I was going to do the work of the Lord he decided to get in the midst of my life. I walk on eggshells trying to keep things together but when he is busy. There is nothing I can do. Oh well is all I gotta say. I am still going forward with my plan to serve God to the fullest. I may have to make some changes there may be some hard things I have to do. Like I always say, it is what it is. As I grow stronger in God he will give me the strength and everything else I need to get where I need to be. So I am prayerfully keeping on the right path. God will protect if there is nothing left but me all by myself. So I am just not moved. I am out, be blessed!!!!
A new vision for Victory April 21, 2009
At some point in your life you must take into consideration what’s important to you and you evaluate each thing in you life and you have to rank each thing and categorize it in order of importance. Here lately I have been doing that. I found that what I thought was really important once I compared it to other thing didn’t amount to anything. God is working things out in my life like never before. He has carried me so long and now he has given me a mind to do better. At church Sunday, I sat in the half empty church and thought OK Beans. You talk a good game but this place should be full. What are you doing to help fill it up? Like I always say it is funny how God work’s because during the announcements they said this Friday they will be having a workshop on evangelism and I am going. I think it is time for me to step my game up, live right, and bring people into the word. I had no problem bringing them into my sin, so I am going to change the game up. My pastor says this all the time what have you done to save someone else. I spend so much time working on me that I forgot the true calling is to do. So as one of my life’s focus change I will switch my focus to what it needs to be in the first place. Have you wondered how your life was OK, pretty good. I think I need to do what I was called to do. I love to be busy, so I am going to work on promoting God like I would a party or anything else I desire to do. If that don’t keep me busy I am not sure who will. I think it is time to get out there and do it big for Jesus. If no one will help that’s fine. I am going to make some flyers and take them around to the apartment complex near our church. I need to get with the van driver and we are about to storm that place with God. I wrote down some other ideas but I want us to be able to offer them something when they come, not that they are poor, but just so they know if they need something we got it. This will take a lot of work and it is summer. If the parents don’t want to come, I want them to at least feel comfortable enough to send their kids. I want to feed them and take them back home. I got a lot going through my head but I am so committed to bringing this dream to pass. I need to know what all to do in order to meet the needs of the people so here I go. I know it will be blessed because the Lord sent this to me himself. I am excited and so happy. I will keep you posted on the reports. See I have tasted to see that the Lord is good. They may not know. Well I gotta go, but be blessed
Maybe I can be an example April 16, 2009
In an effort to plan myself a wedding I had to tell the groom, it might help if he proposes first. Lol I am a go getter, maybe I will propose to myself on his behalf. I was thinking about writing about this everyday and then I thought what if he reads you blog so this will be the last you here of it until I have completed my evil plot. Hahahaa. Just kidding. I have really been in a joking mood lately. I am too blessed to walk around somber and sad about the minimal things that happen in my life. I see so much going on in the world I see the children and I want to help them but I feel like we must start with the parents. These parents have children and refuse to parent them. I take pride in being a good mom, my mother was good to me. Somewhere there has been a breakdown in values. I am not sure where though. I know that parents now are younger than they used to be when I was a kid. I remember my mom going to school with my friends moms. I go to some of the things at the school and I feel like a relic. I had my son at 23. But I don’t think age is a factor because I know some young moms that are on the ball too. I think it is the maturity level. At some point parents have to stop doing whatever it is that is important to them and start thinking about their children. I think something that is supposed to kick in that just doesn’t. I was wild as they come but when it comes time to be a mom, I am not about to send my child out in the world while I lay on the couch. Speaking from my family we were raised. Our mothers were mothers. Now I understand why. I get tired and I get weary but I know I am the only hope for three people so with that being said I push it to the limit. Whatever my kids decide to do I am right there in the middle of it. Do I prefer to be at home resting on a Saturday in the summer, yes. No I don’t have that much rest since, I am riding around with a van full of other people that are resting children with a cooler full of juice, just because my kids dare not think I don’t care. I can’t allow something to happen and I not be in the midst. Some would say I am over protective, but I don’t care. It is my job to be there for them and I will do that to the day I die. I will never put anyone but God before my children. If I pull my wedding off, my husband and I will jointly have their best interest at heart. My heart goes out to the children because I know they want them there, but they are always busy. Now if you have to work fine, but if you are tired. Please get outta here. I am tired of talking about it, I am simply in prayer for the children. I pray that they see that I care and learn from me how a mom does. I pray for their mothers to remove themselves from whatever has hold of them and be mothers. If their mothers weren’t mothers, I pray they see the dedication in me. I want God to use me to show others, that granted it’s hard but you gotta do what you gotta do. Father’s too but we have more father participation than mothers. I am out be blessed.
Since he is the groom, I guess I should tell him about the wedding April 15, 2009
This day I am trying to stay focus and process a meaningful post, but I am really just kind of not having too much to say but the same thing. I love my baby so much. I think after we have been together this long we may not necessarily be where we should be, but we are getting there. There are so many factors that make this no ordinary love. I have to look at that and take it into account. People don’t understand the bond so if they don’t know all the details they will think I should be offended by this or that but I know what it is. I am tired of trying to old onto something; I won’t be doing that anymore. If he loves me like he says and I know he does, I will sit back and let God work it out. I have been trying not to go off and cuss like I used to. That’s not cool. I have stopped and started this post so many times; I forgot what I was talking about. I know this, this man loves me to pieces and when the time is right he will be the one that I end up with. All that has happened in the past is exactly that. We have started a new and we will live our lives out like we are destined to do. I laugh because we are so opposite that it will truly be an experience but I have to believe love conquers all. He is always like Beans chill out, calm down. I think I am too independent but I have been running the show and making decisions for so long it kills me not to have my hand in something. I am constantly making moves and making things happen that’s what I do. If I thought he would go for it., I would plan the wedding and just be like I need you to be here on this day. Don’t worry about what for. Can you imagine him showing up to the church like oh she must be having choir rehearsal or something the parking lot is packed. He walks in the door and my cousin just hands him a tux like, here put this on. Actually that’s not a bad idea. I wonder if he would go for it. Don’t give me any ideas; oh I gave that to myself. I mean plan everything down to taking the liberty of writing his vows too. Rings, food guest location, the whole nine yards. What yall think? I am in a silly mood, I am out Be Blessed.
April 13, 2009
You know here lately I haven’t really been blogging like I used to, not really sure why. I will say that yesterday was Easter it was so nice. I got to spend time with my family and friends it was a truly fun day. We went to church; the children looked so nice, I was so proud of them because they actually stayed clean. I have been in prayer about my future and the direction God wants me to take for my life. I just need to know what moves need to be made in order for me to be where I am supposed to be. Have you ever been in a situation, and be like, maybe it is time to L.I.G.(let it go); I got that from a homie of mine. Then all of a sudden something happens and breathes new life into the situation. I know this feeling firsthand. I was so impressed with the turnout at church yesterday, wish people would show up like that every Sunday. I don’t know why they don’t but I was glad to see them yesterday. I was amazed at how people were rushing out to get clothes and the beauty parlor was so crowded I didn’t even get my hair done, and I go every week. I was cool though. I am just so hype off the message. My pastor preached yesterday and I swear I felt him if no one else did. Because, The Blood never does lose it‘s power. See I guess the key is to know it and know that you know it. God is so awesome. It’s funny I use that word, but what’s better than awesome. He is that too. If you ain’t and yes I said ain’t never been through nothing than you don’t know what I am talking about but if you have and been brought out you may just feel me. I am so much a work in progress; God probably has me laid out on a table scratching his head trying to put me together. He is probably like, let me try this, and then this because slowly but surely I am becoming a new person. Do I fall short, yes I do, but he looks past that and continues to work on me anyhow. At least now when I do wrong I am convicted by the Holy Spirit. Before, it would be nothing for me to do whatever and I be like oh well. I don’t care what others say because I don’t answer to them. Yesterday, this lady who never comes to church, rarely any ways. Was like oh I see your children, they are really beautiful but where is your husband. I kindly responded to her, like oh I am not married. She turned up her nose and walked away. At first I was mad, and then I thought if you ever came to church you would know that. But I thought to myself if I don’t have a husband and have children, what business is it off yours. Then I thought how dare she look down her nose at me. Then I thought she don’t know the story, I answer to God and God alone and I wasn’t even about to tell her my story anyway. If I was rooted, I would be embarrassed and never come back. I really think I need to get on the ball. I need to let the world know that Jesus saves regardless. Of whatever. He don’t care how I got there he just know, I was ready to embrace him. What I did previous to him don’t matter to him. It may to man but not God. He is conditioning me for the next leg of this race and I am his willing trainee. No Weapon mode is full speed ahead. I am out be blessed
April 9, 2009
Have you ever had this feeling something isn’t right? Something is off and it is causing me to proceed with caution but I don’t know what it is. I am a distinct individual but for the last few weeks something has been off but I can’t figure out what. In my life things don’t have to actually fit but at least they gel, her lately there is no gel. I could chalk it up to a lot of things, but there is seriously something that is eating at me. I can’t put my finger on it but I am sure that in due time the Lord will reveal what he wants me to see. I have been really focusing on my mom duties. My baby and I hardly spend time together anymore, but I am trying to give him space to realize what a prize I am. I know you all agree. Lol But back to my family, I have seriously been doing some evaluation of the next phase for my children. We are bonding more and they got their report cards all of them are good. They hung them on the fridge, when mine comes out I will be hanging it on the fridge too. I want them to realize how important education is. I can’t bring less than par grades to the house. I am trying to decide what our summer schedule will consist of. I really can’t afford to take them on a world tour so I decided we will take a few mini-trips. They’ve never been to the zoo, so that is a must. I want to take them to a children’s museum too. Stay overnight at a hotel. They love stuff like that. I have some camps set up for them too. I think summer should be fun but at the same time educational. They will still be doing drill team too. The more time I spend on them the less time I will have to concentrate on what I am missing. Stay busy, stay focused, I am on that. I am out be blessed!!!!
beans3bk
