February 27, 2009

I have discovered blogging at night is not for me, I am tired and it has been a long day but the fact remains after all the drama of the day God is still good, I told you I was praying for revelation. I have been praying for clarity, now I need a sense of discernment to separate it all. I know he will do what has to be done but I want the ability to do his will despite my own. I can hear him as big as day but I don’t always listen. I want to be a better doer of his will. I have really taken time these last few days to watch my children, I know I am a good mom, but I need for him to be a more effective parent. I need to be able to help my sons be good men. I need to raise my daughter to value herself and not just fall for anything. I think it is time for me to raise the bar. Stuff is good but this day, I need wisdom. I am going to bed. I am so glad tomorrow is Friday, Be blessed

My elbows aren’t saved……. February 26, 2009

I just got my new computer and I am at home bloggin, Go me!!!! So what does beans need to say? I know you all are like ok, beans what’s up with you? You are always on a roller coaster, one day God is good and the next you are trying to figure out about love. This is it; this is all new for me. God has come into my life and he brought love with him. Now I am not married as you all know so it is hard for the two to co-exist and still be correct. I can’t admit to you any sin, because I don’t answer to you so what would be the purpose. I will say this. Sin is sin. I am not perfect and God knows my flaws and he is working with me to rid me of all my mess. But I don’t want to talk about that right now. I am in the midst of a quandary. Like I say this love thing is new too. I have been told I am too possessive, I am insecure. Now I need to tell you my baby is naïve, he thinks people don’t have an ulterior motive but I know better. I have told him numerous times he is a good guy and women love the good guy. He says beans you are crazy, but I know women, I am one. I have been the chick on the side; the crazy part of it all is I was cool with it because I didn’t want a relationship anyway. But back to Baby, I tell him all the time. Watch them, sit back and watch them, women are very manipulative and they will stop at nothing to get what they want. Now I think it is all a character builder for me. For years I was in a bad relationship full of mistrust and deceit and I can sense it. But I am declaring right here right now that my elbows aren’t saved. Lol so with that being said, it is nothing for me to roll back my sleeves and get it in. No, I am just kidding, ladies don’t fight, but I thought that was a funny statement especially since I got it from a preacher. Lol God is good, but he will send you a funny every now and then. I am out. Be blessed.

Every tear you cry………….. February 25, 2009

is water for the garden of my victory.

I have been trying to keep it together but sometimes you must drop down and allow the Lord to take you burdens, so I have brought them to him. I praise God for keeping me and I thank him for all he done for me. My heart is full but I must press people don’t understand all that is going on with me. I was sitting in my car this morning, just crying. I am tired and I don’t know how I can go through all of this. But when you take your focus off of what he wants sometimes you get to where I am today. I have to feel this way, this has to happen, it is still part of my testimony. I was listening to Marvin Sapp, again and you know I almost wrecked my car, but it was amazing because I have to cry. Every tear I cry is water for the garden of my victory. So as he says even though you are in the valley victory comes through you adversity. I was listening to Hezekiah this morning as I was getting my kids dressed and I’ll make it, came on. This was one of my first inspirations for this entire blog. I think I’ll make it anyhow. So whatever comes my way wether it be personal or so many other storms that are brewing. I will make it. There is no way I can turn back now. He has done too much and been too good. Do I always agree with the outcome of what he has done, I am not going to lie no, but he knows what is best for me. I don’t. I did it my way and it landed me on a road straight to hell, do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars. So with that being said whatever his will is for my life is what I will do. No matter what the situation is I will praise him for all that comes my way. He will get the glory, if I lose it all, as long as I have breath, I will praise God and whatever, and whomever has something planned against me they better be careful because God has my back. I am still blessed in the city and in the fields, I am out be blessed!!!!

Man February 24, 2009

I know you are like where in the world is beans, I am here but I really have been busy. I am having some serious matters of the heart, but I am going to pray that God moves how he feels and that’s what it is. I am not here to serve man, I am here to serve God. I am human too and I can not let my feelings and needs be neglected trying to please others. My kids are fine busy as ever and I am just praying for the weekend. No I still have no child support, but the Lord will provide. I will try to get some things together this evening and hopefully post tonight. I am out, be blessed.

February 19, 2009

Now I wasn’t going to blog today because I am just so drained and I need to be sincere yet I need to use tact in this post. So I will simply say that pain is not something that people like to feel. I will say that I have had many heartaches in my life. So many trials and tribulations, So many valley experiences. Today something happened to me, what happened doesn’t matter but the pain was unthinkable. I thought I was going to lose my mind, I thought I was going to literally die behind it. But in the midst of it all I began to call on the name of Jesus, I began to ask God to get me through it. I was hysterical for a second then I had a mind to call on the Holy Spirit. Jesus is a balm, a healer a soother. I am so grateful he came to me just when he did. All kinds of things were running through my mind, but I had sense to call on him and he got me together. Do I still hurt, yes? But I know God will deliver me out of any situation that is going on and what he has for me will be for me. So I will praise him in advance for what he is going to do. Be Blessed

Thanks for the Shoes February 18, 2009

I have been- fighting writing this all day but it keeps coming on my heart and I am really not sure why but here it is. My friend and I went to go grab something to eat the other night and this lady came up talking to us, she didn’t know us from a can of paint and what she shared with us after telling us all her business was profound. She said her ex husband told her “Know you Worth” when she said that we were like she don’t know it but she was sent there to give us that message. So many times we, I will say we because at one time I did the same thing,  Just settle with the first thing that come bopping our way. So desperate to have a man. Now I will admit it, I love men. I love my man because he is so extraordinary, that is a whole different post. But ladies sit back and think, have you just been in something so bad but you felt like it was all you had and you really needed that man. You aren’t alone, I see it on a daily basis, God is so good this morning, my life isn’t perfect but I am in good shape. I have really been in awe dealing with the parents I come across. I had to take those same kids home, still haven’t seen their mom. Then my babysitter called yesterday asking me did my daughter have any old shoes because her granddaughter’s shoes had holes in the bottom. Well I am a shopaholic so my daughter easily has 30 pairs of shoes in her day to day rotation. Here this child is up the street with no shoes at all and then people wonder why I am shouting. The sad part is her mother had to know her shoes were torn up and didn’t even care to see if she had new ones. Yet she can go out and buy herself whatever. I was like Wow. I gave her 4 pairs of shoes that Ken doesn’t hardly wear that way she can switch it up. As soon as she got them, she called me right up and said “Thank you for the Shoes” I almost started to cry, not about the shoes but the fact that this child had to get something else from someone because her mother didn’t care enough to make sure she had shoes, she has the money, she just filed her taxes. I am worried about the future of this child. If nobody cares if you have shoes at ten, you will be thrusted into a life of God know what, when you get older because the first man that buys you something or cares about you, you get up with them and run the risk of being vulnerable. All over a pair of shoes.  I am in prayer for that little girl and this day and age we need to be in prayer for all children. Teach them their worth at a young age so they don’t fall victim to mistreatment. Be Blessed.

I love you more than anything February 17, 2009

Man I have so much going on that I don’t even know when to start. This may be a long post but I need to make sure I put it all in because it will be a build up to my feelings at this very moment. We will begin with Friday when I got off work, I miss my baby he is so busy I am busy and we can not meet a happy median. I think we are both so stuck in our ways that if we don’t give in we will be miserable and alone. I am in prayer on this situation because I know the Lord did not put his hand on something and just take it off. We need to step outside of us and I really believe become more spiritually connected in order for us to receive what he has promised. Our time together was short this weekend and he doesn’t think I understand but in all actuality, I do but the separation is still hard. Saturday I had to basically pull out my cape, my daughter had a dance competition and then we had to go to a wedding in between I did five thousand other things I was tired. I just went to bed. Sunday I went to church and the Holy Spirit was there and I got caught. I never really shout, I just get kinda happy but Sunday, he got me. They sung my song. “I Love You Jesus” and I need to say that I could have ran through the aisles, but I didn’t but I was so overcome. One of the lyrics “Lord I love you more than anything”, so I am drawn to all the things I love. My kids, my momma, my baby, my family , and I was like if it were not got Jesus, I wouldn’t have that so yes, Lord I do Love you more than anything, and I knew people were looking at me but I didn’t even care. They don’t know me. They don’t have a clue of all that God has bestowed on me. I am so unworthy. I better love Jesus because when everybody else leaves me, he is all I got. People perish but God is forever. I am really going through a lot emotionally there is a lot of uncertainty when it comes to people but not God. He is so consistent. But back to me shouting, I thought I was going to pass out. I got weak and my legs started shaking,lol. There was just a release, like all that was going on was just lifted from me. I am officially a member of the shout it out. God has been so good to me. In spite of me, in spite of what’s going on he is still good. If I don’t see tomorrow he has been good. I try to focus on me and off of others because they can’t deliver me. They can’t save me. I know a lot of people don’t like me and as long as Jesus loves me, I will be all right. Will I cry from time to time yes? But I have been on both sides of the fence and I know which side is best for me. So when times are good I praise him and when they are bad he still will get my praise. I need to stop here, Be blessed

I Gotta Be February 12, 2009

I was driving in to work this morning, I stopped and went to Frisch’s and my baby made me this CD, and the last song was I gotta be by Jagged Edge. I started listening to the song and the guy had brought my food and I had left that location and zoned out there to somewhere else. In my relationship there are very high highs and very low lows. That’s just our dynamic. I think we have reached a point that we are like, nobody is going anywhere we are just going to love each other through the good and the bad. But as I was listening to the song, I am like wow, I do wanna be the one to fill your life with sunshine, I do wanna be the one you need. It is my destiny to do that. I think about all that we had to go through to get to this point and I just gotta be. Our love is deeper than anything physical. Trust me I know physical attraction is important but spiritual equality is better. He completes me. I have been in a few relationships in the past and when I sat down and thought about it, not only was I not complete but I was in the negative. That is so not cool. So then I got to thinking about us. More importantly me, and More important than that God. I am reminded that my latter will be greater. So I will continue to press, God has done this very thing for me. He has set me in a place to be able to tell others that he is exactly who he says he is. I Thank God for my family, my health and my strength. I must follow his will to be able to receive all that he has in store for me. There are so many things I gotta be, a loving Mom, a supportive partner, and most of all a woman of God.

God is So Good to Me February 11, 2009

I am busy today but i just need to say that. That’s it that all. No need for the lights and sirens. this is what it is. My good days always outweigh my bad days. I have had so many bad days but when I think it all over the Good Ones win. Be Blessed he will keep you. If he keeps me, I know he will keep anybody!!!!

Can you please February 10, 2009

Click on my blog so I can reach 3000 hits. lol No really this is such a growing experience for me. I am so grateful to God to be able to share my walk with Christ with each of you.