I wasn’t going to post today because I am really tired of the snow and it is beating me in the back of the head with a baseball bat. Yesterday I was home all day with my children, and don’t get me wrong I love them to death but Jesus build a fence. By the end of the day, I needed a drink. My youngest doesn’t know what he wants to do, ever. He was walking around with his too small skeleton Halloween costume on from two years ago. It was like a body suit and I am not sure he even had on undies. The girl who believes she is the Queen of Sheba was bored all day; she didn’t have anything she wanted to do. Mind you she got a Nintendo DS for Christmas and by the time you add all the extras it cost broke Santa nearly $250.00, plus she has the rest of the things she just had to have that she hasn’t even opened. Games, dolls, and an easy bake oven. Now the oldest, he was cool, he didn’t say nothing to me and I didn’t say nothing to him. He ate when it was time to eat and he played the game all day. I am so glad God has blessed me with these three wonderful individuals. I wouldn’t trade them for anything in the world. I am so blessed. I think about all we’ve been through together and I can see the joy in their faces. I am not a father but everything else they need I am right there. You name it, they want it, and I got it. I know some may say that is bad, but I want them to think fondly of me when they get old. I think of my own Mom. I smile because I know she went over and above doing things for me. She made sure I was happy and it is my duty to do the same. I talk to my daughter all the time and she is like I always have the best clothes and the best hair. Not that we have the most money, but I want her to know that I sacrifice because I take pride in how she looks, my boys too. I always tell them you are a representative of me. I see some moms all dressed up and their kids a filthy mess. Not me. I always laugh with one of my close friends, because she is vain, too. Sorry girl, but we are always like I don’t do “Come On”. Let me define come on, you are about to go somewhere, i.e. the mall the kids have been playing and you have to take them with you, so you say, Come On. Nope not your girl, I will not be in public with nothing that belongs to me out not looking right. It takes us hours to go somewhere, that’s why we are always late because beans don’t do Come On. LOL, just being silly, but that is the truth. My baby is the same way he don’t do Come On either, that’s why we are such a great match. I am just care free mood today. I am out, Be Blessed.
Bean’s Mini-Sermon January 27, 2009
I have been trying to decide what to talk about, I may not post about everything in order and sometimes my thoughts are random. I know that. I know there is no clear message of my blog, basically I speak from my heart. I feel like I have something to say and if I sit here long enough it will get out. As I go from place to place and see people, I realize that God is really working on me. I have changed and if you don’t know me, you don’t have a clue, but if you knew me you would be able to see. I am at my desk, listening to Jesus is Real, old school John P Kee. The fact remains the he is real. I can feel it in my heart, feel it in my soul. I can remember singing this in the choir when I was a teen. I used to love it, but it didn’t really stick with me until I got grown. I look at all that we go through on a daily and if I didn’t know Jesus what a mess I would be. Some may say she is already off the chain, I am like well you can imagine how it would be if I didn’t have Jesus. God is so good to me I can’t tell you it all. I look at my life and I am so fulfilled, my kids even my oldest are so beautiful and gifted. My youngest son with his problems as a young child has flourished into something I would have never even imagined. I think sometimes, please be quiet, I remember he didn’t even start talking until he was 3. I am trying not to cry but as a mom, I carry all this around and since its just me I hold it all in my heart and if you’ve never had anything wrong with your child then you don’t know but I can remember sitting in the hospital waiting room or waiting on test results about this or that. I know Jesus is real; he has taken me from one extreme to the next and kept me. I have to think of all the times, I was out doing whatever I was doing and he kept me alive just one more day. I think about the old me often. I laugh at all the dumbness I used to do. But I am so grateful, that he knew to spare me. My girlfriend and I were talking the other day, she came over and I was telling her, I have no other place to be than the church I have been everywhere else. Keeping it one, I remember I used to serve the devil not actually praying to him but I sure used to be one of his biggest followers, doing what I wanted with no sense or care of the circumstances but I must admit that since I found Jesus, because he was always with me but since I found Jesus, my whole outlook on life has changed. We used to sing this other song and I may have written about it before but for some reason I am lead to it today. “Since I found Jesus, I found my everything, he’s my bread when I am hungry, he’s my friend when I am lonely, since I found Jesus I’ve found my everything, he’s my shelter in time of storm, he’s my right when I am wrong” It goes on and on. A lot of people will say I am saved and I am better than this or that. Not me I still sin. I am still not perfect but I know who died for me. I know who takes care of me. They are not of flesh. I need to say this too, I am a woman and I know that women want a man, lets be real, you want one and if you say you don’t whatever but back to my thought. If you want a man, please seek God first, he knows the desires of your heart and he will send you what you need but before you can get a man or take a man you must get right with God. I am only telling you this because I know. Man, men whatever will fail you, but God never fails. A man will walk away and it will be just you and God, so follow him. I know so many women that go back and forth within there relationship with God trying to keep a man. You will not be happy with a man you choose, if it is not sent by God so take off your choosing shoes. Lol, that was stupid but it fit. I have no clue why I put all this out there none of it really matches but if it is a word in it, it will meet those that need to get it. I feel like I wrote a mini-sermon, but it was placed on my heart so here you go. Maybe I am going to be called to preach, lol I think my phone is ringing now. Oh that was me calling myself. Hahahaha. Be blessed
While riding through the storm January 26, 2009
This morning on my way to work I heard this song. This is old school Yolanda Adams, you may have heard it. But as she begins to sing, I begin to cry. While riding through the storm Jesus holds me in his arms, that is so awesome because that’s what’s going on. I am going through a storm with my time and my children. To some this would be a non issue but my oldest who is nine is causing problems and acting up. Now I could whip him, and I have but it’s really not helping. So I have been in prayer regarding the situation because I can’t allow him to follow the path that he is on. I know God will work it out for his good and the good of my family but I am praying I don’t kill him while waiting on my revelation from God. I need to spend more time with him but when? My time is so sparse these days. If I were married or if he had a father I think it would be better but he doesn’t and it is just me. I can buy him the world, I can take him anywhere he wants to go, but I can not be a father and that’s what he really needs. But what do you do? You can’t be what you just can’t be. So I pray. My baby said he would talk to him, but I have to believe God will help my child. So I am driving and crying, on the highway, I-75, the weather is a mess. I am like beans, you must hold it together before you wreck, so then My Soul Has Been Anchored came on. Now I am not sure where this CD even came from but at this point my vision is blurry. I know what it is. God has done so much for me and my family. He has been all to me and my children. My soul is anchored. One of the verses says “If the storms don’t cease and if the wind keeps on blowing in my life, my soul has been anchored in the Lord”. So then I am turned to the sermon yesterday, Daniel 3, 13-18. My pastor basically spoke on faith. God saved the Hebrew boys in the fiery furnace. He talked about faith. The substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. He talked about God being able to do all. I am put in the mind of a sick person. If you are sick, he is able to heal you if that is his plan for your life. He has already done so much for me. He is able to do exceedingly and abundantly what I ask so I will trust him. I will wait on him. I have really been praying over my relationship also and if you don’t know the entire story you will never be able to understand the significance in the love. The way it has all been planned out, it could have been nothing but the work of God. I ask, he sends. I think about all of my joys in this while I know true pain occurred for me to get what I have, but I will expand on all of that a later time. But I am simply saying, he is working things out on my behalf. Interceding so that things are falling into place. He is setting me up to give a testimony like no other. If this story don’t bring people to Christ, I am not sure what will. I talk about all I have been through and the things I have done and I am still slowly but surely working on my book. His word must come forth. Sorry so long, just wanted to express a little of my heart this morning, be blessed.
I have an image to maintain January 22, 2009
All is well, but I am tired. My life is full and I think that just when you are on the edge of a breakthrough something comes in and breaks it all back down. In my quest to be a better woman, I must push forward. I really haven’t been speaking much about my relationship with God because right now I am in the midst of a serious storm. I have noticed the more I press the more the devil is trying to take control. I have been doing some serious thinking. Being in school gives me a different insight on a lot of things. I see a lot, I watch a lot. Yesterday I was at school in my class, 12 women, 9 of them had a ring on their left ring finger. Some where really nice, some where simple, but they all had them. Now I am not saying they were all married or even all happy but what I am saying that it appeared to me that someone loved them. Then I looked at my hands and this is just keeping it all the way real allowing myself to be transparent for just a moment, there was nothing. I thought about this. Does this really define who I am? Does this make people believe that no one loves me? The sad part is there is no tan or line where one used to be. LOL, oh well. Here I am this wonderful woman, mother of three, single, career driven, college student, parent booster president, active church member, and for a split second I actually felt bad because these women, who I really barely know had something I didn’t. Of course I could go buy myself one, who’s to say they didn’t, but then I thought beans, be patient. I need to state that my baby has nothing to do with this. He is still the man, but this was about me. How I measure myself. How others think of me. In my Marketing class we read a sermon by Dr Martin Luther King Jr, called “ The Drum Major Instinct” http://www.stanford.edu/group/King/publications/sermons/680204.000_Drum_Major_Instinct.html
Check it out if you can but it really made me think. I am no less than a women with or without it. That doesn’t make me, yeah it looks nice but that has no measure on who loves me or how much. Then I think honestly about myself and my day to day living. People, including beans, are so caught up on image. I can’t be looking like this or that I have an image to maintain. I thought about all the times I have went above and beyond to receive this look or spent way to much for this or that for my children, not really for my or their satisfaction but more for the effect, like yeah. I was talking to my daughter this morning, and she was like, “Am I spoiled” I ‘m like “Yeah”, she was cheesing like a cheese ball and said I know. Then I am like this can be taken two ways, either she is a happy child or I have created a monster. So on my way to work I go over things, my life the last nine years and I have concluded that I do too much. The sad part of it, it’s not for them, it’s for me. I make it a point to be the best. So then I look at my life again, and then I ask why? I go back to childhood. I don’t know. Do you feel like this? I am going to add to this post at a later date, but for some reason, I need to stop right here, be blessed.
Speechless January 20, 2009
Today a black president, history will be made. I am in awe and I have nothing to say!! I am watching and waiting. This is long over due. Ain’t nobody mad but the devil.
Can’t forget the struggle January 19, 2009
Today is monumental for me, more than a lot of days, today me a single mother of three is in the wake of the inauguration of Barack Obama. Yes I am proud because he is an African – American but I am also proud because he is the product of a single family home. I look at my children and I reflect. It makes me feel better because, I have three children that with the help of others and I realize that they too can be something. Not necessarily president but at this point the sky is the limit. I know his mother has passed but I am sure she is so proud. I think about his relationship with his grandparents and then I think about my own grandparents. I think of their struggle of growing up in the Deep South being born in 1912 and 1916. They have passed away too, but I can only imagine their struggle. I feel for my grandfather who was only allowed to complete school to the fifth grade because he had to work on the farm. My grandmother went to the ninth grade, and that’s only because she moved north. She then had to quit school to take care of her siblings. She had no mother. He didn’t either his mother died when he was a small boy. I am sure they were victims of some sort of mistreatment, because people just don’t treat you like your mother will but yet these people lived and thrived and work and raised a family. I am trying not to cry because this is serious; I didn’t know a thing in the fifth grade. These people seriously had a struggle. Then I am thrusted into the mind of the civil rights movement after I made my children watch King on MSNBC last night. I thought WOW. The struggle. Oh how it was a serious struggle, just to be equal which they were entitled to. I think of Dr King and how he gave his life, his entire existence to better the life of a people. How his family was left without a father all so I can sit here today. I try to make my young children aware of this struggle. They need to know they can’t just go to the mall just because. People had to die, the fact they can try on clothes in the store came with a sacrifice. We as parents need to instill this into our children so they will know. If they don’t know they will take it lightly and I can’t allow that. Then we are back to President Obama. It is all full circle. I am out God is so good. Be blessed!!!!
Notorious January 16, 2009
I am so glad its Friday and I being a graduate from high school in 1995 am so pumped. Notorious comes out today and I will be going to see it. I have been rockin Biggie all morning. I used to want to be Lil’ Kim. Thank God he can change people. But I am glad it’s Friday. Be Blessed.
Wow, I got it. January 15, 2009
Normally, I go over my post and make sure they are ok but I am not in that type of mood today. I get tired of dealing with people, period. It is snowing and right now I just have an attitude. I am finally at the point where I understand a few things
1 People will only do what you allow them to do to you.
2 Nobody owes you anything no matter what you give or do for them.
3 You must be your own biggest cheeleader.
4 People will tell you what they want you to know but they won’t give you all the details.
Can you think of any, I am putting s list together for my children. I refuse for them to be naive of how people in this world are. This is seriously a dog eat dog world. Be blessed.
January 14, 2009
I am sitting here trying to figure out which direction I want this post to go. I have no clue. I feel like I am too old to go to school, but I know I have to keep at it. I feel like I am so responsible for the future of my kids. I feel like I owe them, so I must press on. With that being said, here I am,31 years old working full time and still trying to maintain and keep it all together, some days I feel like just going to the store and getting ten boxes of Calgon and locking the bathroom door. I really need to be taken away far away. I would just emerge tired and wrinkled hahahaha. That sounds funny, but I am still so blessed so I won’t bore you with all this. It is snowing cats and dogs, I have really nothing else to say. The kids are performing this evening and I won’t get home until probably after 11 just to get up and do it all over again.
What Women Want? January 13, 2009
Well I am here another day’s journey; I need to make a few statements about my post yesterday morning. I think I offended my baby, he has a hard persona but on the inside he is a softie. I think I hurt his feelings and I didn’t mean to. I was merely trying to see what others thought of what I was feeling. So for the topic of today. I was on the blog of a good friend of mine and we went back in forth for two days talking about what men want. So my question to you today is What do women want? Now I am a simple girl. I just want to be happy comfortable, and appreciated. I think those three cover the spectrum of what I need. I don’t care to be rich, it would be nice, but more than anything I want to be love just for me. Ladies lat me know what you want? Hopefully we can fuse this together and all meet half way.lol Be Blessed.
beans3bk
