Now I don’t do the resolution thing, I just don’t. What I am doing is putting it in the atmosphere that some changes will be made in the life of your girl. The ordinary just wont do, I am changing the game. I am starting with my walk so I need to get all my sin in tonight, lol. No I am just kidding, but I am serious that I need to be about it. God has been too good to me to sit on this. I am going to work on my household. There are some major changes my kids can get ready to walk the chalk line. My mom always used to say that, hahahaha. No really some changes are about to be made and they are in for a rude awakening. I am cutting down on some of their extra activities. Focusing more on family. This time last year my life was so different. I am in much better shape than I was all the way around. That is how wonderful God is. He will make your life better in an instant. Just when you don’t expect it. Never in a million years could you have told me that my life would be like this. I am wanting to be somebody’s wife, lol. People that know the original beans just laugh when I tell them things like that. Seriously, I have been delivered from so many things. I don’t think I deserved any of it but because of his grace and his mercy, I have been healed, delivered and set free. My baby and I have been put through the fire. I am praying for restoration. I want the Lord to bless our union and move us in a way that is pleasing to him. I want him to anoint our children to make them mighty warriors for him. In the year coming we will be making some major moves that may upset quite a few people but it is our time and we deserve to be happy. Stay tuned, I may even release more details on him. But the time needs to be right. God is setting things up and aligning them in order for this to something really great. At times I can tell he is discouraged by the entire situation and he has so many things to bear, I just try to be supportive. There is no sense in being in a tired broke down non-caring relationship. What kind of woman would I be if I didn’t pick my man up, dust him off and help him through his rough path? I will also be doing me. More pampering and relaxing. I work and go to school. I need to enjoy the fruits of my labor from time to time. So please all Be Blessed, I’ll get with you in 2009.
December 29, 2008
OK, Christmas is over, I am here I made it, I have been on a serious emotional roller coaster, but I think I am at the point where I will finally be ready to receive a new start. My life has done a 180, and I am still here. I am about to embark on some new things and I am so ready for my destiny to be fulfilled. I sm just going to keep on trusting God to give me what I need as I move forward in all of this. I need him to breathe life into all that I touch. I was at church yesterday and I had a great time. I must stay focused on all that is at hand.My children are getting so much bigger and my baby and I are working out well. I am waiting on some things to so then I will be able to make my next move in that arena. I believe the best is yet to come for the both of us. You don’t go through what we’ve been through to get where we are and it not be something dynamic. I don’t believe everything will be perfect but I need him and he needs me. Have you ever just met someone that from the day you met them you knew they would belong to you. I laugh because I remember when we met. It has been years, but I think I instantly knew he was the man for me. Many things had to transpire for us to be where we are today, but I knew. I will be back later with more on my holiday and all the festivities, I just wanted to give you a quick update on the life and times of beans, lol
I didn’t even spell or gramar check December 23, 2008
I sit here and I just want to ball up and cry. I know I have just not been the model person of Christ. I know this believing in God the way that I do, knowing he has kept me the way that he has I am really just feeling bad for feeling this bad. As a woman of God I need to be stronger but right now hands down, my heart is so heavy. I think about it all and I am really needing to just hide. I am so unworthy of all the blessings I have. My heart is aching and I can feel myself just tearing up but I must snap out of it. It is Christmas, all is happy, everything should be merry, but your girl is not feeling it. I still need to get a few things and I don’t get paid until Friday and of course Christmas is Thursday so that wont work. I could try to borrow it from my peoples but you know people act funny when you need something from them but when they need something from you its nothing, so I will do the best I can with what I have. I am totally disgusted by the entire thing. I appreciate the fact that Jesus was born on this day but I am cool on everything else. Their father hasn’t mentioned anything about a toy or lack of one. I really just wish this cat would man up and take care of his kids. I really don’t want to talk about this anymore.I am so tired of him just walking around without a care in the world while I do his job and mine too and maybe I do sound a little bitter, but that is crazy. I don’t know how you could sleep at night not knowing if your kids ate dinner. I don’t know how you can wake up Christmas morning and not feel like a sack of crap knowing you didn’t buy your little children nothing. It is truly beyond me. I know people will say she is just bitter and crazy, but I need you all to focus for a minute. Never mind any other day of the year any decent parent would want to see their child happy at Christmas even drug addicts get their kids something for Christmas. Nope not him, I am praising God in advance for the ability to make it through this day because everything is so hard. But I was whining to my baby yesterday and he gave me some clarity in it all. I could be in so much worst shape, so I need to be grateful and keep it moving, I am cool, be blessed. Pray for me in all of my madness.
December 22, 2008
Today is hard for me, twelve years ago today, this is the day it all began, and I normally don’t talk about it often but this is heavy on my heart today. I live my entire life and this is something I really don’t talk about much but I can see it like I was still there. The day my daughter was born and died all on the same day. Even typing it hurts. I think about every step I took that day everything I did, everything I could have done. I can see it all so vivid. I can even smell it. Some things you just don’t forget. Beans is cool, beans is strong, but to carry a child for 9 months anticipate her birth and then she is not alive is a lot for anyone, even me. Yes I am strong but this right here tears me down. I was a kid myself at 19 but I just get weird when I think about it. Some people love Christmas, I am so not in a Christmas mood. Yes I put my game face on and allow this to go on but I am not happy, too many sad memories, any who that doesn’t matter. I hate these somber post but I am just so tired of so many things look at all that has transpired and some times I just wish I could pack my things and walk away from it all. I can’t and I won’t but my life is so extra for no reason. Between the kids and their craziness, my entire family period. This love thing, not to sure about it either. Have you loved someone and knew that for sure but couldn’t get anything else right. I feel like I am always punching my way out of a paper bag. that just won’t break. Do I know what will become of it all, no but that’s what it is. It is a delicate situation. There are so many factors and negative variables that I wonder why we even bother. I am going to end this post because it’s depressing, but I declare I made it and I am still here so we will leave it at that.
December 19, 2008
It is almost Christmas, I will be glad when it is over, I am low key not in the mood but I kinda really just want it to be over. I had a million things to do last night. I didn’t get home until after 9 PM I was dog tired. Today is the last day of school, Thank God. No more uniforms for the rest of this year. I miss my baby so much. I really cant believe how my life has changed in the past few months. I was thinking about it all last night. I just sat there and thought of all the thinks I made it through and it was only through the grace of God. If somebody would have told me last year I would be in the place I am in this year, I would have bet them 10,000 bucks they were wrong. But you never know what God has in store for you or your life. I laugh because at this time last year, I would be trying to figure out what I was wearing out tonight, huh. I am chaperoning a sleep over, but I am really looking forward to some pajamas. Call me crazy but I was always a good Mom by day but at night I partied. Not to say I can’t party now but my focus has changed. I can remember shuffling dates, two or three a day, now I just sit and wait to spend time with my baby. I am so content. I no longer have to look for love. I don’t need any negative attention. I am cool on the spotlight. I use to love to be in the mix. Not any more. I do simple everything is tamed down. I can recall my friends dying to kick it. I came and went as I please while they had to sneak out from their man. The club scene is just not poppin, well at least for me. If you still go more power to you, but I am good. I like to cuddle and watch movies. Hahahaha that is funny but that’s what I like to do now. No more tight jeans and uncomfortable shoes for me. Right now I am basically rambling I really don’t have much to say, be blessed, I’m out.
2 Liter Wine Coolers December 18, 2008
I have medicine head so some of this stuff might not even match. This is my disclaimer. Hahaha. Beans is better but she is in a different type of mood today. I am so glad Christmas is about to come and go. I love tax season. I really finally get extra cash to do some things I wasn’t able to do all year. Most and best of all is do me. Now my kids are straight. They are never in need for anything. They ask, I get, the story of my life. I think I over compensate at times but that is just how I get down. Am I creating monsters probably so but I just feel they deserve what they want. This Christmas, I am on the fence though. My oldest wants a PS3, now mind you, he got an XBOX 2 years ago and decided to play drums on it and broke it, so I am not sure. Is he really ready? He doesn’t play video games at home because he broke his system, the other two don’t play them, my youngest is still into action figures and my daughter “doesn’t have time for that foolishness”, her words. So what do I do? I was thinking about buying him a used PS2 see how he does with that and then investing in a PS3. Game systems are so high. I remember when I got my Nintendo it was 88 or 89. It was $75.00 and I was so happy my mom spent all that loot. I played it for two weeks and then my neighbors came over and played, while I used to steal some of my moms 2 Liter of wine coolers. Lol. She used to buy those and I use to get me a nip every now and then. Hahahaha. I am in a goofy mood. I will be back later. I am on my way to the store to get a 2 Liter of wine coolers. lol
Stir Fried Crap December 16, 2008
I am sitting here and I know you are all like where is beans, beans has been sick. I have a fever, I feel like stir fried crap. But its nothing to a G so I’ll be cool. I really need a break now, I think a few days after Christmas, I am going to get me a me day. I am hoping anyway. The kids are still super busy. They need a driver. My baby is fine, we are actually doing pretty good. I love him but you all know that. Our time together has been really limited lately. I wish I could kidnap him for a day or so but I think somebody will notice he is missing. He might like it. Lol No Just kidding, so please don’t think I am crazy people. I guess a sista just need a little attention. I can function on my own, but I guess I am in a needy mode because I am not feeling well. It is so hard to take care of three brats, and still be able to be sick. I am doing it but my kids are so demanding. They don’t realize I need rest, because they never do. Oh well, I am not complain I am just glad to be able to keep it moving, be blessed.
I love my kids!!!! December 12, 2008
I normally don’t have much to say on Fridays, but I am good I am glad today is Friday; I plan on having a stress free weekend consisting of some time for me. I will be doing the mom thing but everything will be in slow motion, no real stressors. I can’t wait until Christmas is over, I am almost done shopping but more than that I am not even stressed. I am usually all tripped out searching high and low for one particular toy. Not this year, I don’t know if it is because my kids are older or what. I will be buying myself something the day after Christmas. I get paid that day and I think beans deserves a pair of coach boots, don’t you. Please send all donations to: hahahaha. I talked to their sperm donor last night and he called me like “do you believe Christmas is two weeks away, I don’t have any money, I might have to wait to get them something after Christmas, I was like ok, and just gave them the phone. “ I just laughed to myself like you must be a fool if you think my kids think you are going to send them something, they wrote him off long ago. I don’t even say anything, my daughter who is 8 but she is highly intelligent. This is what she tells me after they get off the phone; I want to fall out laughing. Mind you I say nothing. “He got the nerve to call here asking what we want for Christmas; we are still waiting on our presents from last year”. The other two chime in like “Yeah”. I know it’s not funny but I was like hahahaha, they finally see exactly what it is. I told them he would do the best he could. She was like as long as you got our list we are fine. I felt sad for a second and then I thought at least they know they can depend on me. I called my girlfriend and we were rolling because he is so typical. Now when school started, he couldn’t buy nothing because he didn’t realize that school started in August. So that’s why he didn’t buy them nothing when school started. Easter he couldn’t put in on their outfits which cost me over 600.00 because he thought Easter was later and he just didn’t have it. Their birthdays, I should have called and reminded him. When they went to the Drill team nationals competition he couldn’t give them anything because he needed more than a month to come up with any spending money. I stopped dealing with him years ago, but I guess they still had hope but not this time. My baby is really helpful, he has obligations too but if I ask him he is on it. It is funny how God will send someone when there is a need but that is another post. I try to tell them to be respectful but they are just not on it. I think it is all his fault. Kids remember. Period. My kids are brats anyway. They all have their own style, they all like things and since they are spoiled rotten they usually get what they want. I don’t tell them that, but anything they ask for I try to get. My oldest plays the drums, he has all I can find or think of regarding the drums. He just got a new set, like a church set so he is straight. He is very talented and he is also a teaching himself to play the keyboard. He plays by ear, but he is really good. A natural. My daughter, she is the queen, her and my mom are partners, she speaks and we go out and get it. Nobody bothers her and she basically can run the entire house, we just pay bills. She is a trip but she is my mini me and she knows, I will get her whatever she asks for. She gets a new coat she needs boots, she used to wear ponytails but she doesn’t like them any more so she goes to get her hair done with me. She plays the viola, sings in the choir, she is in the drama club, drill team, dance team, and she takes karate. She is highly intelligent and gets good grades. Not bragging she just is a beast period. Now my youngest, he is my baby. I got pregnant with him while my tubes where tied so he is an unexpected blessing. He irritates me at times because he knows how to very well. But I tell them all the time he is my favorite. Hahahaha. He is very smart but on a different level. He loves toys, he has a million of them and they are everywhere. He like science and dinosaurs. He loves cartoons. I am not sure exactly what his musical talents are yet but he loves to sing. I see him as a saxophonist because he is so cool. I mean this dude is so laid back. He loves the ladies. He always has a group of women with him. I think I will have to pack condoms in his Spiderman lunch box. I think of him as a smooth operator. Lol. I can go on for hours about my children; they are such a precious gift to me. I think I was truly blessed by having them. In the beginning it was very hard and there have been some tight times but I praise God for them, they keep me going. They love church, and Sunday school is really working for them. My youngest told me the other day, you gonna see Jesus sooner than you want to, if you don’t stop smoking. Hahaha, that’s alright. They are really taking it all in too. They refer to different stories in the bible. I heard my youngest say the other night, he was watching the discovery channel, There was a lion on there. He told my daughter, I bet Daniel was scared. I said what you say. He said Mommy, you don’t know about Daniel in the Lion’s Den. I was like oh yeah. That really touched my heart. God is so good and I have written a book, sorry, oh well. Be blessed.
Step away from the chicken minis December 10, 2008
I am in limbo, my mind is racing, and I really need a vacation. A friend of mine called me last night and talked about me and my post. I told her I couldn’t help but to talk about what I do because it keeps me straight. I at all times need to be on the straight and narrow, but I will just break that for this morning, and talk about my breakfast. The crazy part about it all is that Chick-fil-a just opened up nearly a month ago and the people almost already know me by name. lol Normally when I am not running late, I go there in the mornings, and get a 4 count chicken mini and some waffle fries, yes fries. I am not saying that eating fries for breakfast is not a fat tendency but they are good and fresh because they cook them when you order them. Like I said this place just opened up and I got a bunch of free coupons, but of course now they are all gone, see that’s how they hook you, but back to this chicken mini. It is like a chicken nugget wrapped in a yeast roll. Jesus build a fence. This stuff is good. Now a lot of people say they can’t eat chicken for breakfast, I for one can and do. Now you have to think that is not enough food to fill you up but I am good. If I was really greedy, I probably could eat 8, but I don’t want them to have to use the jaws of life to cut me out my van if I get too big. They are just big enough for a few bites but them the next thing you know they are all gone and then you are like, dang I should have gotten 8. I just ate 4, and some fries and now I am ready to go to sleep but since I am at work that’s not possible. I am begging you if you ever get the chance you really need to feast on these. I swear, they are tiny tidbits of heavenYou will be like Pookie, on New Jack City, “they just be calling me “, Hahahaha. Be blessed. I will be back later.
beans3bk
