I am really trying to focus, I have really been praying on my life and what I am doing. I am at a place where I must be strong. The devil will not win. He is trying but I can’t allow it to happen. I am walking by faith and not by sight. Even though it looks one way I refuse to believe God will allow things to happen especially when he told me something else was going to happen. My thing is this and I need to be transparent for just a moment. I have been through the fire, and now I am back. I will let nothing steal my joy. So if at the end of the day it’s just beans, I am a big girl, I can deal with that. People will leave you and let you down, that’s just the reality of living. Is it always a happy experience no, but you have to stay grounded. I have spent my entire life waiting for something to happen. This thing happens, and then another and another. I allow my feeling to be hurt, at times I wear them on my sleeve. Now I can get down and dirty but in some instances I can crumble too. No more crumbling, no more putting others feelings before mine. People may only hurt you if you allow yourself to get hurt. I can’t wait until tomorrow, it is going down, I have eaten sparingly all week so I can bash tomorrow. I deserve a good meal. I need to rest too, but I want to go out Friday morning, and grab a few things for my kids. I am also having them decide what they want to give Jesus for his birthday. I wonder what they will decide. Be blessed
I Wont Complain part 3 November 25, 2008
God is so good. I am dealing with a lot of things today but I must say that in spite of everything God is still good. I was speaking to my baby this morning and he has really been going through it. I was talking to him and he was talking about all his trials and tribulations and I just began to encourage him. Now I don’t know if he took into it or not, but after our conversation I felt so much better. I feel him because he is going through some things but I couldn’t do anything but be grateful to God on his behalf because it could be so much worst. I think about that song “Thank you Lord” It is somewhat old school gospel and I wish I knew who it was by but the words are something like. “It could have been me, I know, with no food, or no clothes, ……. (forgot some of it) …. But you didn’t see fit to let none of these things be, and everyday by your power, you keep on, keep on loving, and I wanna say thank you Lord for all you’ve done for me.” I love this song but as I grow closer to God I see more now than ever, how in any instant, It very well could have been me. It was nothing that I have done; it is simply the grace of God. I think some people don’t realize that at times. At school last night we had a discussion about poverty and being poor, and I was reading some of the stories and listening, to stories from some of my classmates and I was just so grateful to God for allowing me not to even know the suffering. The things I think are hard aren’t even a bleep on the radar for others. This morning, my daughter was trying to figure out what boots she wanted to wear, she has all different colors from last year. I haven’t really been shopping yet, but it goes down so she will get more. Anyway she tried on one pair that she couldn’t fit anymore, she wore them once, there was another pair that was too small. She wore those 4 times. I told her to put them in a bag and take them to the daycare. I am sure there is some child somewhere that only had one pair and they were raggedy. I praise God because that, like I said could have been me. I think about my life and my single parent status, and I am just happy that God has made a way for me and my children. I have no husband and three children, now just keeping it 100. That is a sinfest but God looked beyond my sin and showered down grace and mercy to allow us to be able to live in the manner like we do. Don’t get it twisted we are still poor, and that’s ok too. But we at times have an abundance. He meets our needs and then shows us favor and gives us more. So excuse me, hahahaa, hold my mule, lol, while I praise him right now. I have had good days, and I have had hills to climb, and yes tragedy has struck my life, yes, there were days when I didn’t think I could make it from one to the next, I have experienced heartache, pain, loneliness, you name it beans has felt, but through it all. I have learned to depend on him. My good days always outweigh my bad days. If you read my blogs you know at this point I am crying, because you just don’t know how good he has been to me. So in spite of whatever comes my way. I am just not moved. Things may come and go. People may leave you. Money will be gone. There is only one constant. One thing you can depend on at the end of the day, God. If you don’t know you need to try to get to know him. Be blessed, I am out.
Even Me November 24, 2008
Here we go, I feel like I am fresh out the gate. I was renewed by the spirit of the Lord over the weekend, this is real talk I am so convinced that God will work it out for my good, I am not even fazed. The devil is so busy, he is really trying to mess me up, but I am proclaiming the victory in Jesus today. There is no way I can proclaim the goodness of God and walk around somber, but let me tell you how the busy the devil is. My son got suspended, my mom was tripping up something terrible Saturday night, my baby and I are having serious issues, and I spilled oil on my coach loafers. I don’t know what the outcome will be in any of this but it don’t even matter. I can’t make everybody happy so I must aim to please God and those that are happy fine and those that aren’t oh well. God is extraordinary. I was at church yesterday, and yes we made it to Sunday school, sitting in the pew when the associate pastor asked me to do the Morning Prayer. I really don’t like to be on blast but how could I not. Now I go to an old school church they normally have the men do the Morning Prayer, but she asked me so I was honored. Now before we go any further I need you to know that when I pray I talk to God me and him gets down. So it is hard for me to pray for a community of people without telling my own business. So when I pray you might here just about anything. So I go to the front of the church, they hand me the microphone, I kneel at the altar, and that’s all she wrote. I could hear people clapping and amening like they were in a far distance. I have no clue what I said because you know how sometimes your prayer is so intense you just have no clue in which direction the holy spirit will lead you. I didn’t really pray long and it was not for no notoriety of myself because beans needs no glory, it all belongs to God. People were stopping me and shaking my hand like “you sho can pray”. At first I was kind of offended. I am thinking yall can’t tell that was the Holy Ghost, but then I thought maybe they just don’t realize how God will manifest himself in anyone, even me. I think of that Old song, Even Me. Just let some drops of your anointing fall on me, even me. Regardless of my sicknesses, all of my short comings, my flesh, and everything else I’ve done. Lord, Even Me. Our pastor was out and we had a speaker, she was an associate minister, her topic was “Does you praise and worship reflect your Thanksgiving.” She brought the message of God for, now it may not have helped everyone because it hit home for me her verse was John 4 v 19-24. I am so like the woman at the well, I have done a lot of things and have had different men, and children out of wedlock, so I can identify with her. But after speaking with Jesus, she was saved and brought others back with her. Now tell me God is not good. Any who she was talking about true worship. Yes we have praise and worship time but if you truly are in worship it is different than praise. I don’t know about you but my worship is for real. I have been through much not to worship him and if the people behind me don’t like it oh well. I must let it be known what he has done for me. I was a terrible terrible person, but he chose to see fit to spare my life and I am so grateful for it. Ok sermon, over, be blessed
It is what it is…….. November 21, 2008
I tried to go all day without chiming in, but it is obvious, that I can’t help myself. I am not beans on a typical Friday. I am officially melancholy. I never thought I would have felt so blah. I am not sure why God is putting me through this test but I will be ok. No matter who comes or goes, God will always be with me and with that, I press on. Be Blessed!!!!
Old School Love November 20, 2008
I was trying to come up with a topic today but I really don’t have one. These past few months I have been pouring my heart out, trying to give you insight on my life from day to day. Everything is just not always peachy in the land of beans. I will admit that is it better than it has ever been before but the more you try to do better the more you realize or what you thought was ok is just not. As I reflect over my life a lot has happened. Some people have come and some have gone. I have met some really good people throughout my life. So caring and so real. The older I get I think about my grandparents a lot. They were married for over 55 years. He died first and she died five years later. I can recall being a kid, staying the night over there. They would go to bed early, but they would both be up at 5 AM. Talking and drinking coffee. They were retired so they had no excuse to get up but they would be up. I can see them so clear, pajamas on just conversating I don’t know what it was about, but who wakes up at the break of dawn to talk to somebody. As I am adult I see exactly what it is. It was love; they loved each other so much. I can remember her cooking him 3 meals a day. I am not talking about no hot dogs or pizza rolls. Lol She use to get it in, homemade this and that. Of course I was glad because since she used to cook anyway we all got to eat. I can remember her cooking for 10-14 people everyday, and not to mention the people in the neighborhood, that could smell it cooking. I can remember as a child complaining about eating that food, what I wouldn’t give to be able to taste it one more time. Any who, I think about my baby and how I love him so much, but I don’t see myself waking up at 5 AM to talk to him, if I don’t have to be at work until 8. I can’t see me cooking 3 meals a day for him and all of our offspring. I don’t know. Times sure have changed. I will set his alarm for him and kiss him as he gets up to go to work, then roll over and get me a few winks. I will get food they can microwave so the kids can eat, I will cook too, but not all day everyday. I guess if we were in a different place at a different time, I might be like that. Not sure how beans would look in an apron. I’m out, Be blessed.
Still Sustained by Faith November 19, 2008
I started not to post today because I have really been just going through it, but I am just not moved. I can’t praise God only when it’s good, that won’t work. So here I am a living witness that it will all work out. I don’t care what it looks like God will take care of you. The fact of him taking care of me isn’t in question the part I am struggling with is me developing patience to wait on him. My life used to be so meaningless and empty before, but now I have a charge to keep. I must press forward. I refuse to be a conditional praiser. Everything that God allows to happen is in order for me to trust in him more and he gets the victory when he fixes it. Sometimes things just don’t work out how you plan them, God will work them out. My spirit is tired lately; I am tired of wearing the game face. People think they know me but they have no idea. At the end of the day, all I can say is I am sustained by faith. God is holding me up, keeping me together and keeping it moving. On Christ the solid rock I stand. Be Blessed
Single-mother blues…. November 18, 2008
Knocked down, but not defeated. That’s all I can say for today. It seems like things just keep piling and piling up on beans. The sad part is that the harder I try, the worst it gets. Now my initial reaction would be to run and hide because that how I am feeling right about now, but I know that won’t do. I have really been trying to be calm, but I think I am about to explode. I have been waiting on some furniture I have saved for, for months and can’t get delivered or set up. I feel like just calling the place and going off. That’s not right but that’s where I am at. I am tired of dealing with people that really just don’t understand how hard my life is and all I have to do to keep it moving. Kids won’t act right. If my son’s teacher calls me again I am going to scream. I feel like everything is swirling out of control. I just need a break from it all. I just need to get away clear my mind and comeback renewed, but I can’t I have too many responsibilities. I hope this day ends soon so I can go to tomorrow. I know this is not the normal post of faith. Yes I am faithful, yes I do believe God will work it all out for my good, but today I am just in the storm. I am in the thick of it and I am tired. I never expect people to feel sorry for me, but my life is very hard at times. I know it is not as hard as others, but it is hard for me. Do you know how hard it is to be misunderstood by everyone you know? Enough of the single mother blues, be blessed.
All is well November 17, 2008
This day will too soon be over, I am almost done with school and I praise God for that. The kids are busier than ever this week they are singing in a workshop. This means they practice all week long for a concert on Sunday, I think they will enjoy it. I can remember doing it as a child. Not that I am complaining, but along with that, I have to intermingle their other activities because they have a parade next week. Plus I still have school. Jesus build a fence. Friday is my daughter’s Father –Daughter dance. Wow!!!! Reality at it’s finest. I am not worried my baby will be taking her. She is so excited. I have been trying to find her this gold dress she wants so bad but I can’t find one appropriate for winter. Either way she will be banging, she has another dress my mom just bought her but we will see. I am so glad they didn’t have these when I was a child because I had no dad either. I would have been embarrassed. I think that is part of my life issues. My dad was so drunk and undependable; I couldn’t even have him present me to the community when I was a debutante. My big cousin did and everything was wonderful but I guess it still kinda hurts. Can you imagine all these people with their Dad and you didn’t have one my mom gave me everything she could but that is just something she couldn’t produce. That’s why I am so grateful to God for my baby. Here he is with children and will stand in where another man wont. I am sure he will be blessed for that but he is doing it out of love for my daughter never mind the blessing.
Enough of that. I went to Sunday school yesterday, I dropped the kids off and ran to the store to grab me a snack because after getting them all ready, I neglected to eat myself. I had already read the lesson so I had a few minutes to run and grab me a bite. When I pulled up there was a young girl standing outside. Talking on the phone, now her mom is one of my dearest religious sisters, so I feel I can say what I want to her because it is in love. Now you know some people don’t want you saying anything to their kids but that is a different story. But she said she wasn’t going in because she didn’t have nobody to teach her because the teacher was out. Now I don’t know where the other teens went, but I was like come on in here, I’ll teach you myself. She was no thanks, I insisted. We opened up with prayer, then I was like no books, what are we going to do. So I just went to the beatitudes. I know I could teach this, I have been over so many times before. Then another young girl came in and we all went over the verse talked and prayed. I at that point knew what my mission was. Yesterday was nothing but confirmation. I was called to speak on behalf of God to young women. You name it, I done it. Period. I am a living witness of what God can do. I was just telling them and witnessing to them, we had a great time. It was good for me too. I got to let them know what God can and will do for you. I sung in the choir yesterday it felt great I love to sing but I just can’t do the fakeness, so I was pleased that we sounded really nice. Church was good. I had a really nice weekend period, I may be back later, meanwhile, be blessed
Working out my mission November 14, 2008
This is Friday, I am so glad I waited all week for this day to come. I have been praying for a lot this week and I am just so grateful to God for what he has done in my life. I am working on me so much. I am trying to be me but better. I know you are thinking, how could she be any better. Lol but I am. I know I have a lot of baggage and as times goes on I am slowly dropping it, and keeping it moving. Time does not heal all wounds but prayer does. What ever wounds aren’t healed God will soothe you until they are. I have a lot of friends and a lot of family and I am so grateful to God for that because they have really sustained me. I can’t mention any names or instances for fear that I would leave someone out and I can sit here and say that I am loved by many. Old and young, black and white. That is truly a blessing. I really wish I could get them all together and recognize them individually one by one. If you were to be in a room with me and my friends you wouldn’t be able to believe it. One thing I know what I am going to do and I was praying on this last night. I will be drawing them in also to help me with my mission. Saved or not they are all special and they can bring encouragement to a woman or man for that matter, struggling trying to make it. And who knows through their help they may get saved. I am still praying for my children, they are so extra. I really think they are three midgets, not little kids. They each have such a distinct personality. My baby is getting better; I believe the prayers I have been sending up on his behalf are working. We shall see. I know his healing will take time and God is truly moving in his life. The best is yet to come for beans. I was holding that baby again yesterday. I can’t believe how good that felt. But that is for a later post. Be Blessed!!!!
2000 November 13, 2008
I never thought I would get to 2000 hits, but I am almost there. This blog has been so therapeutic for me. I feel like I have grown so much through being allowed to express myself. I have gotten so much positive feedback from everyone. I have laughed, cried, prayed and shouted all through this. I am healing from all of my pain and learning, how to love completely again. If you read my archives you will be able to see how I’ve grown. The person today is not the same person that started this. God has put so many things in my life to make me a better person. I have learned how to lean and depend on him. I can cry and keep it moving without ridicule because nobody truly knows what I had to go through to get here. So I thank each of my readers for all of your support. I thank my peoples for reading my ramblings and praying for my peace. Be Blessed.
beans3bk
