Just let go….. October 14, 2008

I am really at a state of disbelief today; God is so good to me. I never realized how good until I got older. My youngest is sick today, he has allergies and he just wasn’t feeling well. I love my children so much. I can’t believe how much they have grown. I have really been trying to come to grips with all of my emotions lately. I am fighting myself when I really don’t have to. These last few weeks I think I have been my own worst enemy. I have to let some of my pain go. Not physical pain but I am an emotional mess. God has come into my life and revealed so many things to me. Things that I pushed to the back of my mind as if they didn’t matter have begun to resurface. I don’t think I am crazy but I am out of tune. Everything is staticky(not sure that is a word). But there are issues within my heart that I have to come to grips with. I think back to when it all began and I guess it all started at age 15 and it’s been building and growing ever since. So I am on this like the Berlin wall, I have a chisel and I will go through this wall piece by piece until it’s gone. I refuse to pacify myself sweep it under the rug and act as if nothing is wrong once again. I think getting rid of all this will allow me to be the woman I need to be. As a layer comes of it will allow more love to flow in my heart. It is not healthy to walk around thinking people are out to get you. I am not wrestling against people but against these inner issues. I have concluded that God has revealed all this to me for a reason. For years I walked around like everything is all good, totally oblivious to the fact that I am so scarred and wounded that I can’t receive my full blessing He has something magnificent in store for me. I hear people say God said this or God said that and sometimes I wonder if God is who really speaking to them, but I know for a fact he told me to just let go. So that’s what I am doing, no more holding on to the sins of my past, no more hiding my face in the shame of my former self. I am at this point stepping out on faith and allowing him to move in a realm that I never have before. I think I am a control freak, I know I am. I like things the way I like them and I like to be in charge. If I want God to use me as he sees fit there is no room for me. I need to step aside and allow his power to manifest in my life. I live well but if he takes hold the best is yet to come and I know that. I feel like he is at the point with me like let’s take this show on the road. I have been working on you equipping you with the tools you need so you can go out and let others know exactly what it is. There is a joy in serving God. We are starting back our prayer meeting on Monday nights at church. I am so geeked. This is an hour of uninterrupted prayer and testimony. It really makes me feel so amped. It is about 12-16 people on one accord praying and intercessing on the behalf of others, this is powerful. Well I gotta go. Be blessed.