Weed Me October 13, 2008

I am really soul searching today, I found out a lot of things about beans this weekend. In my pursuit of happiness. I have concluded that I can’t be happy unless I allow myself to be happy. There will be no more façade. I am needing to get this emotional battle within myself together before I can embrace all that is in store for me. I also realized people don’t make you happy if you don’t want to be. I went to my old college this weekend and I saw a lot of things and a lot of people that reminded me of my former self the me without so much hurt, anger, and pain. I walked past my old dorm room and just laughed at all the calamity that used to go on in there. I showed my children and they were in disbelief of all that was going on. I was proud to take them to the school for them to see the magnitude of educated people of color. Also mysteriously my children’s father called this weekend. We spoke but there is just no getting through to this man. He is almost 33 years old and he still doesn’t get it. So rather than argue with him about his duty as a father, I was cordial I let him speak to the children and that was that. But back to me. I have realized that I have this persona of a well rounded sound individual but truly inside I am a mess. I talked with my baby about it. I have recently been in an insecure state when it comes to my relationship. Not purposely but I have. I am not trying to toot my own horn but I know I can get a man if I wanted them. I always have been able to. I can get them to do whatever I want if I manipulate the situation because I have done it for years. I am trying my best to get out of that. I want to be able to embrace love and all that it has to offer but first I must work on me. So with that being said, I am praying for me. I will still continue to pray for others, but at this point I have realized that I need to stick myself in my prayer. I always say there is nothing worst than selfish prayer but I thought about and I need God to fix me so I can be used as a tool for him. I need him to be like a gardener, He needs to go into my heart and spirit and weed. At this point I feel like and unkept garden. Yes things are growing but there is so much trash wrapped around it, it really can’t flourish. I need the Lord to move on my heart. I was at church yesterday and we had a speaker and he just wasn’t preaching so I came home and watched TBN. . I still had a good time. God is so good to me and I don’t care how dry it is so the spirit will come forth anyway. Be blessed!! I may be back later