This day is something, I had a different kind of weekend. It was good but different. My baby was sick. You never know exactly how much you love someone until you see them in pain. He wasn’t in extreme pain, but he is a man’s man, so he wouldn’t even admit he was sick but he was and I could tell. I have never in my life been connected to someone so much that I could feel their pain. But I did. It was all over his face and he knew how much I was looking forward to this weekend that he kept up a good face to try to make me happy. As you go through life you think you know a lot of things, well at least I did, but I was truly astounded how this man suffered for my sake. I know it is not in the same realm, but it puts me in the mind of Jesus, how he suffered for my sake. To die just for me. Now I am not saying my baby is Jesus, but I have concluded that love is sacrifice. When you put someone else in front of yourself for their happiness. But I stayed with him all night and I just held him and prayed for him and Sunday morning, I decided to play my song. “I won’t complain” God has been so good to me!!! I think of all that he has done in my life and I cry. He has made so many ways. He has blessed me in so many ways. I think back over my life and I just praise God. I look at my children and I am just so overjoyed at what he has done for me. I think of my friends and family and I think he is just so good. We have experienced pain and death but he has sustained us. I know we all must die but for God to allow them to die, and us to heal is a blessing. I can hear my preacher say, death is to gain for a Christian. They can walk with our heavenly father, no more pain, no more sorrow, everyday will be sunny and the Sabbath will have no end. Like the month of May, Jesus. I didn’t mean to start my own sermon but I am just so grateful to God for sparing my life and keeping me here. I am thankful to him for bringing others in my life and bringing me into to the lives of people that need me. I am pleased to be his vessel, I ask God to use me as he sees fit. Now this is my question to women, my former self included. Now you will let a man use you, bring you down to nothing, stomp on you, mistreat you, but yet you won’t let God use you. Hmmmm. That is truly something to ponder. I am now speaking of me and me only. I got no rewards out of them using me but once I decided to let God use me, he sent me a man that not only won’t use me but builds me up to. This is just the testimony of beans. It may be different for others but as for me. I am a living witness of what he can do. I don’t have to hear anybody proclaim of his miracles. I am a living witness. He will do miraculous things for you. Like I said I am not trying to preach but I must keep it 100. There is no way I can speak on it if I didn’t know. I know he will send you what you need when you need it. We are back to that ram in the bush. Just when you are down to nothing God is up to something. Be blessed.
It is finally here….. September 26, 2008
FRIDAY!!!. I am so happy it’s Friday, I don’t know what to do. I cant wait to get off. I have big plans wih my baby. My kids are going to be gone. See Ya later. Be Blessed!!
Hate that I Love You September 25, 2008
I really am in a good mood this morning. I was on my way to work, reflecting and that song came on by Neyo and Rhianna, Hate that I Love You. Now I am a 31 year old woman, single mother of three and I was just a riding and a singing. I usually listen to Gospel on my way to work, but I took all the CDs out my van because I was cleaning and I usually clean to that. Anywho, here I am driving down the highway:
Here are a few of the lyrics
And I hate how much I love you girl
I can’t stand how much I need you (yeah..)
And I hate how much I love you girl
But I just can’t let you go
But I hate that I love you so
[Both:]
One of these days maybe your magic won’t affect me
And your kiss won’t make me weak
But no one in this world knows me the way you know me
So you’ll probably always have a spell on me…
There are more lyrics, but it put me in the mind of a lot of things, I have come to the conclusion there is a serious thin line between love and hate. I love my baby so he is such a wonderful man but I swear some days I want to smack the, well never mind. Lol. Ladies let me give you a word of advice it is not cool to smack your man because he will smack you back. Never mind that, but I was just thinking and reflecting as always and of course I now switch my focus back to God. He is so good. He can do things you never could even imagine for you. I feel like everyday I am moving closer to my picket fence. I know there are still people in doubt about what is going to happen, but they will be in awe when it all goes down. I deserve this. For so many years I was alone and now God has blessed me and I can’t wait until it is complete. I deserve this. I feel like being with this man will be the foundation for so many wonderful things to come. We shall see as long as I don’t kill him first. Lol Be blessed
I need a GPS system for love….. September 24, 2008
I have been trying to think about what I wanted to speak on today, and I really just don’t know. I have been so busy I don’t know if I am coming or going. My schedule is so hectic. My youngest was sick yesterday, I am here and of course my song comes on, “I’ll make it”. I have been reflecting a lot lately and I trying to decide my next moves. I know what my ultimate goal is, but some days I am not sure if I am going to receive it or not. The devil is so busy; I know what he is trying to do. Let me give you a tad bit of background on my situation. I have three children, I have been single for years, and I work and do everything on my own. I take care of me and mine. Now I am in a relationship. I am not used to working with others. My baby and I are having issues arise on the daily. He is very patient but I don’t think he understands that I am not used to emotions really because I haven’t been using them for so long. They are like a pair of shoes that you have in your closet. You know they are there, you see them, but for some reason you never put them on. My feelings are all over the place, I have so many highs and lows. I am in prayer for us to be able to sustain all the kinks. I feel this love is my destiny. I am just having so many issues having it fulfilled. There are so many factors and people involved, I think we both are over consumed at times. I think we need to go away and just focus on us for a few days. If we aren’t solid we can not be the one we need to become. Love is so many different things. It can be so good and at times it can be so volatile. I wish it had a GPS system, like no turn right, go left, I believe at times I need turn by turn instructions. I need to get this right. I will pray and let God order my steps. If I seek him first everything else will be added unto me. Be blessed.
He Pitied Every Groan September 23, 2008
Today I need to get a few things off my chest. Have you ever went through life and felt like everybody that knows you thinks that you are stupid. I am feeling that way. Like I always say the devil is busy, but he will try anything to mess you up. This day I am in prayer for the Lord to bridle my tongue. I know a few people that I want to just let it rip on but that is not right. I would not be a woman of virtue if I went around cursing folks out so I have decided to just stay under the radar. I am not sure how long I can hold it in but I am praying for peace. As I was driving to work I was just trying to stay focused I am so serious about “No Weapon” mode. I will not falter. My faith leads me to believe that everything I go through is a test for me to reach my ultimate fulfillment. The part that trips me out is how the devil can recruit others to team up against you. Some areas of my life are so clean cut while others are just raggedy and while I go over them and get them where I need them to be. Another piece breaks off and I have to start over. I am not saying this to be depressed, I am saying this to let you know that God will not take me through anything I can’t make it through. I know he won’t put anymore on me than I can bear. So if it is there it must mean I can bear it. I pray a lot, I have to stay in tune with God. I think some people don’t do well in their daily walk because the don’t pray often. It was funny this Sunday two of my kids were sick so they thought they weren’t going to church. I was like yeah right; you go everywhere else you want when you don’t feel good. You will be going to church. I know my thoughts are scattered today but I am just trying to make it through. I love the Lord, He heard my cry, and pitied every groan. I think of this statement. I am in tears, God knows my pain, he knows my hurt but he also knows my heart. I dare not give up. The blessing of the Lord is upon my life and on all those involved. Be Blessed
The latest happenings in Beanland…… September 22, 2008
I know you all have been dying to hear about what’s going on with beans, so much has happened to me in the last week that I don’t even know where to begin. I guess I should start with the power outage. Jesus build a fence. I thought I was going to lose my mind being trapped with people that function strictly off of technology. They didn’t have a clue that everything we done needed power to work, nevertheless, we were only out of power for less than 24 hours. We had a gospel sing a long it was interesting. I haven’t been to work because there was no power. My baby lost power and he was testy at times but he is a man so I’ll leave it at that. I got my hair cut. It looks really nice. The kids got sick; I mean it was like a never ending saga. I was holding a baby at church yesterday and I just melted so stay tuned for that. I don’t know, I never tell you any details about my baby because I just can’t but there soon may be a new little beans, lol. I think about my life and I have come to the realization that right now nothing is more important to me than family. I am embracing motherhood. Until here recently I just haven’t thought of it like I do now. I am so grateful to God for the things that have transpired in my life in the last six months. You would not believe how much he has changed my life. It is funny because people be like lets do this or that and I am just like, No, I trip off of it. I am just glad I finally had the sense enough to embrace love. I was in the mind to take it how it came. A love so pure. Let me tell you beans is a trip. I am spoiled and self centered or I was. But as I grow and mature I realize that the things I thought were important don’t mean a thing. So I am in prayer regarding my future. Putting family first and waiting to see what move God wants me to make. I am still in prayer about my new business venture, but I must wait. He will set everything up how he needs it to be in due time. Pray that I will be able to withstand the devil as he tries to attack and stop the work of God that is about to come forth. Be blessed.
No more Taebo,please…… September 11, 2008
I am so glad this week is almost over, I am tired. I have been taking weight training and conditioning and I am sure of one thing. Taebo is not for me. When I walked into class last night my teacher, who looks lie a black fire Marshall Bill was standing there like today we are going to do a video. I was like OK, cool; I will get my cardio on. He puts in the tape and I see Billy Blanks in this unitard that made me want to throw up. I was thinking this outfit is definitely TMI, but he was moving so fast on the intro I got tired. I was like Jesus build a fence. I could not believe my body could do things that he wanted me to do. I stretched muscles I didn’t even know I had until I woke up this morning. It was funny because my baby came over last night and he is a silly, so he was girl what’s wrong with you. I was just a little sore, but this morning, I am feeling every kick I made last night. Beans is officially getting old. I remember when I used to think thirty was old, now I know it is lol. Thirty is the new thirty.
I get to work and I have this email, now I work with all clear women and I think some of them, not all, but some have an issue with me because I am a sister. I think they are threatened by me. I laugh because they know I know what I am doing and they think I want their jobs. They are middle management. I am thinking you don’t want to play with me because one day I could be your COO. He is the one with the one that need to watch out for the beans. I want to run my own business. It’s nothing, Satan can fall back God’s got me. I am sleepy. Be blessed
I’m just not moved….. September 10, 2008
Today is a new day, I am blessed and God is good so I am good. I have discovered the more I declare victory in Jesus the more the devil tries to stop me. I have been working on getting things in place for my business; I am still waiting on God to move toward my ministry. I believe he is ordering my steps. I have learned that the enemy won’t attack things that mean nothing, he doesn’t want that, but you say you are going to roll with God and all hell breaks lose. But I have really been praying, last night I prayed for every one I could think of. I woke up this morning in prayer too. I am a firm believer in prayer, more prayer more power. But back to last night, I found myself at peace. I was thanking him in advance for the things that were about to come to pass. I know he didn’t deliver me from all that sin for nothing. I am so in No Weapon mode, it just won’t work. I won’t faint, though they slay me yet I will trust him. The devil will get into those around you and try to attack you through them. He is very conniving but I am just not moved. Every sore or wound he opens, I am straight because Jesus is a balm. He is a healer. I will continue to focus my eyes on Jesus. I have pledged my love to all I meet and I am going to make sure I stick to that. I have a very bad temper, and I have been praying for him to bridle my tongue. I mean I can go. I have a mouth but I can’t teach my kids that cussing is bad, and then give it to everybody I see. I am trying to be a woman of virtue, so I have been going through each verse. Praying over it. Trying to live by that. I have a lot of work to do, but God is making a way and working it out for me. I know you guys be like I am sick of her testifying, but you just don’t know, how good he has been to me. If I had ten thousand tongues it just wouldn’t be enough. I believe God rewards faithfulness. I need to lighten my blog up a little so I may be back with a funny later on, be blessed,
Oh to be Kept September 9, 2008
I am on this hymn kick lately, yes I like gospel but I am and have been drawn to hymns for the past few weeks. I am working on so much right now it just baffles me, why I just don’t fall straight off to sleep sometimes, but last night one of my good friends called me. We talked and it is funny because she and I have known each other for years but just here recently we became close. So she is definitely my sister in Christ. She is few days younger than me, but we have a kindred spirit. But her husband is sick and she is really going through it. I believe that the Lord will heal him in due time, but I was in awe because she was like if he is called to glory tomorrow, I am so grateful for today. I sat there and was just like damn; probably not the right choice of words but this is faith like I have never seen. So I thought about my own walk with God and my journey through faith and I totally agree. God has been so good to me. I am not sure about anybody else, but just speaking for me and me alone. He has done so much. That if he doesn’t do anything else it will be alright. As I was driving in to work, I began to hum the tune to this song, and thought. “I would be nothing, nothing, nothing; thou shall be my all and all”. I am a firm believer that I was put here for a purpose, the trashy raggedy life I used to lead was not for me to kick it and have fun but it was more for God to get the glory from my witness. You can’t preach what you don’t know. I think as I sit and church and I be like I know the people behind me are probably like she needs to sit down, why is she clapping and singing so loud? But I will tell them if they ask me, my worship is forreal, I have been through too much not to worship him. I can be driving in my car and I will have to pull over, because I can think about all those days and nights, I was just doing so much dirt and living so foul. I need you to know that I was not a drug addict or anything and one day I will divulge my entire story, but believe you me, I was living a serious double life. By day I was one thing and by night I was something else but I said all that to say that if he can deliver me, he can deliver anybody. Deliverance is free. I think about my baby and all he has been through and I am totally opposite of the women he has dated and it is crazy how this love came to be but I know God had his hand in this. The Lord will always send someone to help you. I am not talking financially or even physically, but God knows your needs and he will meet them exactly when they need to be met. In his own time, he will do for you what you need done. I am such a believer in Philippians chapter 4. I know I have put this in my blog before but I want to add it again today,
7: And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, will keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
8: Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things [are] honest, whatever things [are] just, whatever things [are] pure, whatever things [are] lovely, whatever things [are] of good report; if [there is] any virtue, and if [there is] any praise, think on these things.
9: Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace will be with you.
10: But I rejoiced in the Lord greatly, that now at the last your care of me hath flourished again; wherein ye were also careful, but ye lacked opportunity.
11: Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatever state I am, [with that] to be content.
12: I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: every where and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need.
13: I can do all things through Christ who strengtheneth me.
I will end on that, I love you all remember that. Be blessed
My Pledge of Love…… September 8, 2008
I finally got rest!!!!! This weekend was not busy, and I went to sleep. I am really having a lot go on. It is hard being a parent. My children always have something to do. Anywho, I was driving in to work thinking just what I was going to blog about. Listening to this radio show. Well this morning they had the nerve to be talking about single parents. Mothers, now we all know I can go on for days about this. But the gist of it was this man said he shouldn’t be responsible for the child because the woman set him up and he didn’t want children. Yet he was a willing participant in the act. Now that is a trip, but that isn’t what I am going to talk about. I go to a church, it is pretty old school. There are a lot of families but since our families have been going there for generations we are basically a family ourselves. So this man that has come in the last few years, older guy, he is in Sunday School talking about women having babies with no husband. Now my mother is the superintendent of Sunday School and yes she was a single parent. She was madder than a wet hornet. “How dare you talk about these girls, yes they have sinned, but there sin is evident, sin is sin. What about your sin?” That is a true issue I have with some Christians, yes I have no husband and I have children, you gamble and lie. It’s just not walking around with you. Then it was time for the pre sermon hymn. “What a Friend We have in Jesus”, I think about the words because I love hymns away, all our sins and griefs to bear. You can shout off that alone. Can we find a friend so faithful, I have friends but they aren’t faithful all the time. So my pastor proceeds with his sermon. It came from Romans, Chapt 5 v 6-8. While we were yet sinners Christ died for us. Hmmmm The topic” What type of Friend are you to Jesus”. He also went to John 15, 9-14. So I thought about it. We sung, yes I sung, “I am a friend of God”. But it all made me think and yes reflect. If I don’t follow God’s commandment to love everybody, then I can forget about seeing him. So this is my commitment. I will love everybody, this is not an option. I am going to love, in spite of. I know there are people that don’t like beans but from here on out I will love them. I can’t expect be a woman of God and not love everybody. So I am now doing that. No matter what.
I cooked yesterday and the food was banging, we had pork chops, cabbage, mac and cheese, and cornbread. I told yall I cooked little stuff all weekend but yesterday we ate, I even had tomatoes and onions. I am going to do my best to keep this up. Pray for me. I forgot, yes my baby is fine. He is so sweet as always. Our time together is more limited each day but when God sees fit we will be able to spend countless hours together, so I will be patient, Be Blessed.
beans3bk
