You know the devil is so busy at any chance he can get he will rear his ugly head in a situation and cause problems. I know that I am a threat to him at this point because he is trying to attack everything in my life. I am so in “No Weapon” mode today. I love my job and he has an ambassador on my management team. Instead of going off on her and losing my job, I must pray for her. I refuse to allow someone or something to stop me from having what I deserve. I am doing my best to act as a woman of God, I can’t stand to be underminded or micromanaged. I am good at what I do that’s why I have the kind of job I have. I am not moved. I am in prayer about my new business venture, I feel like I need to step out and do what I said I was going to do. So I have started my business plan and I am about to look for a location to get started I have an idea but I need to take one step at a time. I looked up some grants and if it works out like I plan I will be able to employ 20 people by the close of 2009. If I follow my plans everything that God has in store for me is about to come to pass.
Room Service Please…… August 27, 2008
If you don’t know me, I need to give you some background info before I begin this post. I have three children, they are 6,8, and 8(no the 8 year olds aren’t twins) Now I am a busy mother that tries to do all I can for everybody I know, as often as I can.. I am thick and I have a large rear (junk in my trunk). My children are in a drill and drum corp., I complain about it all the time. The parents are so preoccupied with themselves that they don’t care what their children do. So these children raise themselves. They are wild but every time I hear that song from Little Wayne, where it states “what’s a goon to a goblin” I think of them, they scare me, but at the same time I love them because they have no one. They are very talented and they could be doing a million negative things but they choose to perform and express themselves so I try to be patient. OK, we are leaving for Kings Island at 7 AM, when that announcement was made my initial thought was ok I know that’s a lie, but hey I will get there 30 minutes late and still be good. We didn’t leave the community center until after 8:30. So beans was already not in the best of moods. The kids are so predictable. The see my mini van pull up and they instantly think their mother has arrived. These children are from ages 4 to 22. I am 31; they all think I am their mother. So as I get out, one runs over. I forgot my money; my mother is sleep can you take me home. Now my first reaction to myself was” tell your sorry momma to get her raggedy tale out the bed because she should have stopped drinking long enough to go somewhere and show you that she cares about something you have so much passion for” but I said, go call her and let me speak to her. It is so bad; I think the parents think I am some of their parents. Ms Beans can you do this? Can you do that? I walk in somebody doesn’t have tights, one child needs polish for her boots, they busted a head on a drum. I was like everybody get away from me. I will help you one by one. I helped them we boarded the bus. They performed like the stars they are. They got invited to two others performances but I don’t know if it is in our budget or if I can take another trip with them. Lol So we are ready to ride, not. I pulled a muscle in my sternum a few weeks ago so I was sore anyway. I needed to take some days off to rest but I didn’t. I do no walking or running and I am basically out of shape. It was 1000, degrees Saturday. So I talk to my kids, I tell them, this is how much you get to spend. My daughter goes off with her friend and her dad. The boys come with me. They get these bands where you can drink all day for free and my oldest is always trying to get over so not only is he getting me free drinks, but 3 other people, all day. Now I normally don’t condone that but at 4 bucks a cup he really saved Mommy some money. At first, he is 8, he was going to sell them to us a 1.00 a drink, but I reminded him I just gave him money, I do like his initiative and money smarts. He will make a great oil executive someday. So they ride and as they ride, I eat. I never eat like I should because I am so busy but I was bored and idled and I wanted to treat myself to a day of junk. So I ate everything I wanted. They were to busy riding to eat. I won’t tell you what all I ate just know I covered the entire spectrum and that blue ice cream is the bomb. We go back t the hotel to check in. I have two that want to go back to the park. So we go to the water area, they had a ball; they were playing and snotting for 2 hours straight, yuck. We get back to the hotel order food and they were knocked out. We had this pizza called Chubby’s it was the best ever. I know you are like OK this is boring me, but that next morning, my children got to complete their ultimate experience. They ordered room service. Now to people with money that is nothing but they are little and they were so happy I was happy for them. They ordered it and laid down and had breakfast in bed. They felt like royalty. All for 40 bucks. They even gave a dollar of the money they each had left for the tip. God is so good. I was happy t let them do things they see on TV, to let them be apart of the nicer things in life. Oh well gotta go.
Reflecting as always……. August 27, 2008
I really have been so busy that I can’t stand it trying to balance family, work, school and love is really tiring me out. I feel like something is being neglected. I work full time to feed my family, I go to school to make a better life for my family. My love is eventually going to complete my family. I try to make sure all my people are taken care of. I was on my way to work this morning. Reflecting as always. I do some of my best thinking on I-75 but I was just going over my life and what the next few years will bring for me and my children. My ultimate goal is to have a wonderfully blended family, a house, an oversize SUV and my baby. I think about my future and am in awe at the change of events that have occurred within my life. I think about my baby and all the things he had to overcome to be in the state he is today. I think of my children and how the piece that they are truly missing is about to be fulfilled. I know he is the man for me, but also for them. I watch them interact with each other. I see how he treats them and I am so happy that God has placed this man in my life to fill the void that has been missing in theirs. My boys need a role model and this man is like the perfect dude. He is so mild mannered and caring. I sit and think how we will all do movie nights and the kids will get bigger and not want to be bothered with us and how when they all leave it will just be us. I think of us growing old together. Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined all this and now here it is. I need to let people know that this human blessing was only sent into my life after I decided I was going to live and do right. Previously, I’ve dated men, never thought of them as father material but all that has changed. I want him for me but I am so happy for my children, so while their father continues to live in the mind of a teenager God has sent me a man, a real man, to assist me with the growth of my family. Friday is muffins with moms at the school and now I must go and support my children once again. I will be back later because I have a few funnies from my Kings Island trip, Pray for me as I work on deciding what I want to give to God to breathe on. I have a vision of service, I now need his blessing and I am about to make my move. Be blessed,
Covered by the blood August 26, 2008
I was thinking of a topic this morning, not to sure exactly what I need to speak on but I have just a few thoughts for today. I read this blog yesterday and it really got me to thinking about my life, the ups and downs. I came to the conclusion that in all my mess and idiocity, there was no constant. No focus, no direction. He gave a challenge on things that you want God to breathe on. I thought about it, it will only take a breathe from God to make all my dreams come true. The key with God is you must stay in his will. One of my favorite scriptures is: Proverbs 3:5-6, KJV
5 Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
6 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths
Now I love this passage and if I ever became a preacher I could write the best sermon on these two sentences, don’t worry, preaching is not beans calling so you don’t have to worry how you are going explain to your pastor why you are leaving and going to Beans Tabernacle. Lol Now seriously. I must trust him; I talk about how he has brought me out done this, done that. This is my witness.
Anywho, sorry, I am listing to Silver and Gold, by K Franklin. I’ve know this song for years sung it as a teenager, saw people shouting and watch in disbelief the other day I was driving my car and literally had to pull over because I know what they are talking about, When she says “I don’t need a fancy car, I don’t even have to have a diamond ting, but give me Jesus in the midnight hour. When all my body is gone “Do you know that diamonds and gold can’t save you but he surely can. I reflect on how I would want and thirst for things. How I would literally be so superficial. But now that I have Jesus I am so much at peace, I can sleep at night and know that my children are safe, I know he watches over me. I think about the old school movie, Ten Commandments that my Grandpa used to make us watch every Easter, how they put that blood on the door so death will pass over and no harm will come to their children. I can’t see it but I know my door is covered with the blood. Now I need to say that I don’t think we are above sickness and death because when he decides to call us we will go, but I know he protects us from dangers seen and unseen. I am covered, Jesus paid it all and all to him I owe. Sorry about the rambling testimony but you just don’t know how many ways he has made for me. As I sit here I am literally in tears because he has been so good to me. My life will never be the same since Jesus came into my heart. He allowed my time to roll on. Not that I haven’t had bad times, and heartache, and death and everything else but God has sustained me so that I can go around and tell others of the goodness that he has bestowed on me. The pain and the sadness were only things that had to be done in order for me to appreciate all the things he has done and continues to do.
1000 August 25, 2008
Today, I hope to get my thousandth hit. It has been a long road since I started this blog. I’ve been through so many things and I was so happy to express them in a non judgmental forum. I know some people read my blog and don’t comment and that’s fine. I have really made a transformation in the past few months, so much so that I can’t hardly believe. Last night I actually sat back and thought about what I was doing this time last year and my life has done a complete 180. I know people think I am crazy for telling the truth about how I really used to be, but I believe that one part of my of my healing is talking about my issues and moving forward. I can’t half testify about the goodness of God. When I say “You don’t know what he’s done for me”. This is real. I am trying not to cry because I have a lot to do but the miraculous things that have manifested in my life in the last six months are beyond belief. People that have known me for years are just shocked. People I used to party with are just baffled by me. I can’t explain how it happened. The only word I could use is suddenly. Everything just began to fall in place. I searched all my life for a love and the minute I decided to give up this senseless flesh, money and stuff driven pursuit, pure love falls in my lap. But I had to let go and let God take control of my life. Am I perfect no, but I am so much better. This is truly a day of reflection and thanks. I am alright now, I’ve made it and I am so happy. Stay tuned, the best it yet to come for beans!!!!!
Torture is near……. August 22, 2008
Tomorrow morning, I am going to King’s Island. I don’t want to. I need a break from the madness, I am going to take my kids and they are going to ride until they sweat. I have been trying my best to get out of it, but I see there is no possible way, so torture time is near. I will miss my baby because he can’t go. I am so ready for this to be over. I am almost at 1000 hits, I think I might spent the day Sunday, hitting my own blog. lol
Donuts for Dads part 2 August 22, 2008
When I got off work yesterday I went to pick my children up and much to my surprise my son had this flyer again. I got the days mixed up it was today. I am like D@mn!!!!!
Will this nightmare ever end? I was like okay beans, time to be a woman. So I decided to go myself this morning and much to my surprise my God Brother was there when I pulled up. He has children at the school too and he saw my oldest but not my youngest who is really just desperate for all this to go down. So I walk in the cafeteria, he is looking sad eating his breakfast, he got up and ran to the door,” Mommy you came. I knew you would.” He and I ate donuts and drank coffee. There were quite a few dads there. I must admit the brothers did show up for their children. All different types. Thugs, bums, and working people. I was very proud of them. This saga is now over for me. I am so happy, my son was happy. God sure knows how to make you feel ok in a bad situation. I may be back later.
Real Love, Nothing Like it August 21, 2008
I have been contemplating writing this blog all morning, but here it goes. Last night my baby and I had a conversation, as I have stated before beans has not always known God. No I can’t say that but I will say she hasn’t had such an intimate relationship with him. Last night we talked, not as lovers as friends. I told him some things I am not so proud of but they were some things he needed to know. Do you really want to tell the man of your dreams, I used to be your local gardening tool, no, but you need to be honest. Never in my entire adult life have I made so many admissions to my past. I told him to ask me anything and he went for the jugular. He never presses me because he knows I don’t want him to see me in an unflattering light but I needed to be transparent. As the questions grew harder I realized how much he truly loved me. After what I told him, some men would still run for the border. We talked a lot about our initial encounters. How we have so much chemistry. I know he knows me. I told him and this is just being real, that I trusted him with my life. You don’t offer your life up to too many people. But this was the scenario. I told him if I was standing in the street and a car was coming, and he said just stay there until I tell you to move. I trust him to save me. I am not thinking in the sense of Captain Save A —, but in the since that I know this man has my best interest at heart. He knows my needs, he knows my heart. He can tell when I need to be held. He knows when to make me laugh, he knows to get ready because I am about to cry. He reminds me of an angel, in human flesh. I don’t tell him these things because he is kind of cocky, but he has made my life complete. I have no idea what the future holds. There has been a lot of pain and tears for the both of us. So we confront each day as they come, but I know he will be in my life for the rest of my life. Real Love, True Love.
The more things change, the more they stay the same….. August 20, 2008
Change your life, not just your clothes. Come back to God, your God. And here’s why: God is kind and merciful. He takes a deep breath, puts up with a lot, This most patient God, extravagant in love, always ready to cancel catastrophe. Who knows? Maybe he’ll do it now, maybe he’ll turn around and show pity. Maybe, when all’s said and done, there’ll be blessings full and robust for your God!
Joel 2:12-14
This is so fitting for me but it is real, The more I try to change the more he shows mercy. He is so merciful to me. He loves me in spite of me. I am not sure why,
The more I seek him, the more the devil tries to test me.
When this is all over I am sure the blessings will be full and robust from God.
I am at a point where some people don’t believe me because I am so real. I must stay in God’s hands and continue to do his will.
Donuts for Dads August 20, 2008
This is a subject that I am so tired of dealing with but here I am again. My youngest son who just started Kindergarten brought home this flyer, Donuts for Dads. This is an initiative by our school district to get fathers involved with their children at school. This is a nightmare for me. My other son goes to the same school, he had the same flyer. My children’s father is not in their life. Now here I am faced with the fact that they need to produce a dad to eat donuts with. I have been through this before with my daughter and the father/daughter dance. I don’t know why the schools do this to single parents. I took my daughter to the dance myself but my youngest was like you can’t take us, duh, you’re not a dad. Now what do I do? I have to have a conversation I really don’t want to have. I tell him that his dad is out of town so he can’t come. My oldest says does he even know where we live? My daughter is so over it, she was like just let Mommy take you guys; she is our Mom and our Dad. My youngest said OK, but I could see he was disappointed. Don’t get me wrong my baby would take them, because he is a real man, but he works. Those that can and will, please sound off on this. What do you do in this situation? Do you go and be the only Mom? Do you brush it off? Do you try to recruit another man to take them?
beans3bk
