Not to sure what my afternoon topic will be. I have a general question and this is just something that came in my head. Anybody that can answer please do. How do you know if you love somebody too much?
In spite of my mess………. July 31, 2008
I think a lot on my way to work, it’s about a 15 minute drive, it gives me time to free my mind and focus on my task of the day. I told yall I am still waiting on something, I am not sure what, but something, anywho, as I drove down 75 I was listening to Smokie Norful’s “Thank You”, it was like thank you for blessing me in spite of my mess. That’s it, I never could figure out why I still kept going and made it here today. In spite of all my mess he blessed me anyway. Not to say I am mess free but it has been taken down to a minimum in these past few months. I think of all the dirt I’ve done, all the people I’ve done wrong, all the mistakes I’ve made. I went straight home after work yesterday. We ate dinner and my girlfriend came over. We talked, laughed and cried. I felt cleansed, tears are renewing. I felt like I was purged and ready for what was in store for me. As I take this journey I have come to the conclusion that God is not through with me. I get stronger everyday knowing that he is a God of his word and if I follow and trust him he will provide me with my every need. I was just talking to my friend about how God has come into my life and in spite of all of my shortcomings, mess, whatever, he is working it out for my good. I think about my life and how I can testify to his goodness. He has watched over my family and sustained us beyond measure. I learned a lot becoming a mother. It is hard to have children and send them out into the world. You have to pray over your children and anoint them. They start school in little over a week and I am just outdone by how blessed I am. I think about them being babies and me carrying two and holding ones hand and I can’t help but be grateful because if it wasn’t for God I couldn’t have made it. I think about the days when I would sit and try to figure out how I was going to come up with money with three different sets of diapers. I didn’t hardly have any money, but he made a way. He kept me so I wouldn’t let go. I am so happy to get to the point where I can see past my need. I am at the point now where I can help others that is a blessing within itself. He took me, nothing and turned me into something. I would feel so bad because I just had no idea how I was going to make it, but 6 years later I am still here. I might be rambling but I am sorry, I didn’t come this far by myself. I see people and they always tell me you do so much and you are such a good mom, I say thanks but the strength comes from him to be able to do things for and with my children. I could shout right now because he has brought me through the storm. I feel like I have a few more things to overcome, but I think it’s almost over. He has placed things and people in my life and I am able to appreciate them and cherish them because I know exactly who sent them. Be back later……..
No more chimichanga……. July 30, 2008
Now this is funny, it is almost time to go home, I had Mexican food for lunch and my stomach is killing me. I am a meat and potatoes person, I normally don’t eat things I ‘ve never tried and this is precisely why. I know it is acid, but I feel like somebody is in my stomach practicing for a step show. I am ill literally. I talk to my baby all the time, I asked him what to get, I got it and now I feel like I am about to earl. I think it was too rich, not sure, but I am sticking to what I know. A steak has never done this to me. I feel like he set me up, I am not mad but I will never partake of anything I can’t pronounce. They said it was a chimichanga, seems like it should have been called a stomach ache. Not too much to say this afternoon, but dang my stomach hurts. I am going straight home when I get off, today is my off day, I pick up the kids we go home period. See yall
You Must Trust Him….. July 30, 2008
My song is on “I’ll Make It” and I am just so grateful to God for the sense to know that I am going to make it. Just keeping it 100, there would be days just a few months back that I didn’t think I was going to make it. I can only tell the truth as much as it hurts, then one day it hit me.
Proverbs 3:5-6 (New International Version)
5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight
This will get you through anything, I know it has for me. I will post again later, but I needed to add this while it was on my heart.
He is a balm……… July 30, 2008
Hey all I am trying to bring something profound to the table, but I am really not feeling profound today, I have been praying more. Trying to focus. I must have clarity and right now I just don’t. I am trying to be patient but everything is so cloudy. I am sure of so few things these days. I know that God loves me and he is ordering my steps and making major moves in my life. I am leaning and depending on him for direction. I have a headache this morning, it could be allergies. I was thinking maybe stress but I am too blessed to be stressed and it is a sin to worry, so I won’t even claim that. I am just walking by faith these days. A lot of the things in my life are changing also because I know the more you grow in God, the more the devil tries to attack so I will stay prayed up. I really never realized how blessed I am until last night when I was talking to my baby and we were just talking about the kids school uniforms. Long story short, my daughter has these dresses for school, and they are 40 bucks a piece, this is a public all girls school, and I know that some people may not have 40 bucks for a dress, and they are just happy for the opportunity to get their daughter in the school, any who. I was trying to figure out how I am going to get these dresses to someone that really needs them. I don’t want them to go to somebody who has some dresses, I want them to go to a struggling mother in need of a dress for her child to be able to go to school. I am going to drop them off at the school to the principal because I know she will make sure they meet the needs of whoever needs them. They had a buy back, but I don’t want to sale them I want to give them away. I think a lot of times, we, well at least I don’t really realize how hard some people have it. I am in no ways rich and I do mess up money, a lot less now but I could really run through it, but I can’t imagine how it feels to not have the money to buy one dress so my child can go to school. I think I want this to be a part of my outreach also. I have began to develop what I think I want to do as far as my ministry, I am still waiting on the definite OK from God of course but I want to be able to go out and try to help meet the needs of the people, women and children are out there hurting looking for a balm, I know one and I need to let them know all about him. If they don’t know or have never known about the goodness of God, how can I call myself a Christian if I don’t go out and minister and aid the lost. I am praying on this. Not sure how intense it will be in the beginning, but I have a charge to keep. I feel it is my duty, like I said I had people praying for me when I didn’t have since enough to pray for myself, I must return the favor after all he has done. I gotta take this show on the road for lack of a better term but you know what I mean, it is time to put my money where my mouth is get out there and start proclaiming the victory on a much larger scale. I have the victory and the vision
Let him find you……… July 29, 2008
I am back, didn’t get a snack, yet, not sure what I want. I am really trying to understand this love thing to the point of not being possessive. My baby thinks I am too territorial, that I am always snapping and going off on or about other women, with no validity in any of it. He is very naïve; he doesn’t understand the mind of a man hungry woman. They throw themselves down at the feet of men because they want one so badly. Since he is a good one it is really something, that I see because I know how woman work. Once I was at his house she didn’t see me, but I seen her, I watched his neighbor watch him. He thinks I am going overboard, but I seen it with my own eyes. Look people help a sista out. Do you think that a woman will do whatever it takes to get the man she wants? I know she will I am just trying to get it from somebody else. The sad thing about it is there is one woman who will get overlooked because this beast is on the man because she is so desperate. Now in the end it probably won’t be a long term thing but they do pursue men, single, married, or whatever. Let me know, please sound off.
I am changing……… July 29, 2008
I am really going through a transition, not sure what I am going to become after my change is complete but I am totally ready. I have really been praying for God to reveal something to me and I think I am just right at the edge of a break through but I don’t know what he is trying to tell me. I was reading this book interpreting your dreams from a biblical standpoint but that just confused me further. I stated before, I am into instant gratification, I need to know something and I need to know it now. I am sure it will be revealed in an astonishing matter so I am waiting for something to happen. I was talking to my baby last night and that’s why I love him so, he was like be patient, you know he will tell you what you need to know in his own time. How can you not love a caring, loving man that also loves God? But this isn’t about him. This is about the fact that God has taken hold of my life and he is working on me. Now I need to keep it real and this is part of my testimony, but my pastor was talking about how God can change anybody and make them what he wants them to be. He used the term thug, but I will use a different term a low down woman. I used to be a trip. No literally I won’t get too deep into my past because it may give out more information than needs to given, but I am telling you. I didn’t care about anybody or anything, yes, I went to church but that’s because that’s what I did. But since I let Jesus in, I am no longer the same. I am renewed. I am redeemed. I know if he can take me and make me over, he can do it for anybody and I think that’s what I want to do, just work with young women, not teens, but women. I think I could show them, let my life be a witness to his work. I want them to know that you don’t have to do things or stuff to get love from a man. It probably all stems from their childhood and having no father, hey that’s how it was for me. I want them to know that the love of Jesus is more soothing than any other man, it is better than a handbag, or some shoes. They need to know that. I needed to know that and not to say I wasn’t taught because my mom told me that all the time, but I think it would be better coming from a woman, that basically hit rock bottom. Not like an addict, but more out of being tired of the trife of it all. I had to learn I wasn’t made to use what I got, to get what I wanted. I had to learn that Jesus is the first man you need to seek and he is not at the club. Anywho, just a bit of how I am feeling, be back later, must get coffee.
I want my picket fence…….. July 28, 2008
OK, this afternoon, I had tootsie rolls, hmmmm. I had yellow cake this weekend. So I am good for a while, I am really praying over my finances. I hate to owe people, but when you only got this much somebody has to wait. It is really tiresome but I am just not moved. Anywho, I am trying to still think of something to talk about and I draw a blank, I think it is because I have so much going on. I am too blessed to be stressed. God will provide. I really need to get me a husband. Lol. Somebody to try to figure out the bills and carry the weight other than myself. Actually by the time I get married, I see right now that shacking won’t work, and beans has needs, lol sorry but I am keeping it 100. So I will be getting married. Now marriage is something I vowed I would never do just because I needed to be in control. The more I read my bible and understand my role as a woman biblically; I realize I may be in trouble. Lol,Whatever, God will teach me how to be the woman he wants me to be. I love being single at times and at other times, I wish I had a husband and a picket fence, but it didn’t end up that way. I think about the things I’ve done that probably made it to where I am not in an ideal situation but the great thing about it and in his own time I think he will reveal it to me but I think he is setting it up for me to get my picket fence after all. My baby and I haven’t really discussed marriage. I don’t want to move things too fast and scare him so we just take it day by day loving each other as we go on. See and that’s how I know God is working in my life before when I was a manipulator, it would be nothing for me to try to get him to jump the broom. Now that I am under the direction of God, I will allow him to order my steps. Not sure were they will end but I am seeking him first. Everything else will be added after I have done that. But I still want my picket fence.
When I think about it……. July 28, 2008
I was trying to think about what I wanted to talk about today but I am kind of drawing a blank. I have been praying a lot the last few days for clarity. I just have a few things that I need God to clarify for me. I know he will reveal to me what I need to know in his own time but I think I am kind of anxious to try to think of how he is going to move or shall I say work out some things in my life.
Church was really good yesterday. At first I wasn’t going to go, because all the stuff that happened in rehearsal, I didn’t want to sing and I didn’t want it to look awkward so I was just going to leave it off, until I thought about how much God has done for me and I really needed to be there because it was my pastor’s appreciation and I love my pastor so much, my silly issues were going to have to be put on the back burner. So I get the kids ready I am at this point almost an hour late but I was like OK if I am late I won’t have to sing, I’ve showed my face I am out. Well you know the Holy Spirit moves the way it wants to so no matter what I want God is in control. Church is a little crowded and somebody was in my seat so I sat next to my spiritual sister, who happens to be one of my dearest friends who sings with us too. I get in they are praying, I began to pray and asked God to speak to my heart. Let me take myself out of this because I am supposed to be ministering to people, mad or not I must be about my father’s business. So I sing, now we sung Open the eyes of my heat, and I really needed to hear that, but then they began to sing I love you Jesus, now I have already expressed how this song makes me feel, because it is part of my testimony. ‘Lord I love you more than anything” Now here I am feeling it. I am not a loud shouter, I know if you go to church you know what I mean, I am a crier. When the spirit comes upon me I am reduced to tears because I think about all he has done for me, how unworthy I am and the tears begin to fall. I was about to fall. I had to sit or I was going to fall, anyway I was so happy to just shout it out. I think of all of my trials and tribulations and I am just so happy that he takes care of me. I don’t mean to ramble but I just can’t believe how good he is to me. Better to me than I’ve been to myself. And if you’ve never done anything, than you may not understand this, but I mean that. I think about the life I used to lead and the things I used to do, and I am so happy I am not like that. Anymore. Like I said you don’t know what he has done for me. I need to get some coffee, I’ll be back but real talk I could shout right now, when I think about Jesus and what he’s done for me……
This is not my battle………… July 25, 2008
I am listening to Yolanda Adam’s “Battle is the Lord’s”
I know you guys are sick of me moaning about money, but I got paid today, and I am so happy to be able to pay my bills, I can breathe a bit but now I am frustrated. I am basically broke again. Not that I am complaining but it really just ticks me off about my kids father. He has yet to offer up a dime for the upkeep of his children, now I know the Lord will provide but I can’t for the life of me understand how this man can walk around with three children and never even think to see if they need anything. It is baffling to me. I have been taking care of my children solo for years. He has maybe sent 800.00 in the last 8 years. These children have hobbies, need clothes, have daycare fees, how about this, need to eat. I refuse to call and ask him for anything for them because he has to know that they’ve needed something in the last 8 years. Women, how do you deal with it? Men any suggestions? I have prayed about it so I know we won’t go without but I am speaking from a human standpoint. How is it possible? Even animals take care of their young. It matters not, it is Friday, I am going home and I will be relaxing. I am going to wash clothes and clean. I am sure the kids want to cook their own food. I think I will watch a movie. Not sure what, but it will be something tear jerking. I feel the need to show emotion. We may grab a pizza, I think tonight I will watch, Waiting to Exhale and Diary of a Mad Black Women. I am blessed still the devil will not win, the more he does the more I play, so I will actual thank him for drawing me closer.
The kids have competition tomorrow so I will need to get up at 7 but I will do whatever for them so it’s nothing. I am praying for my baby that he will be OK. I am not moved, so take that devil…….It’s not even my battle. hahahahaa
beans3bk
