PUSH November 10, 2009

This is just an FYI I am still good. God is still working things out for my good. The road is long and the burdens at times get heavy but I decided to make Jesus my choice so I am sticking to that. I lived a meaningless selfish life for too long. Serving God pays off after while. I know it does. Anyway last night I was laying down, it was late and it is funny how God will speak to you and you are like Arnold on Different Strokes “What you talking about Jesus?” All I heard was PUSH. I am like Ok push what; I would love to push some folks out a window. LOL. So I laid there and I thought PUSH

P – Pray

U – Until

S – Something

H – Happens

 

I thought to myself, Wow. I get it I have been trying to keep myself rooted and grounded running to prayer meeting. Trying to stay out the club and not fall victim to the flesh, but I am on that. I know that God is doing things in me because I am so calm these days. Say what you will about your girl, you get no rise out of me. I am too cool for that. I don’t have time to lose my soul because Mary Jane don’t like me. I will pray for her. I say to myself all the time. Perception is not reality. I have people right now in my life that I know they don’t like me and that’s OK because I love them. Once you change your thought process you can’t help but to pray for those who talk about you or are mean to you. I said this before if you really knew who I belonged to you wouldn’t go there. I am so thankful to God for being a healer. He healed my heart and I never thought that was possible. I think that people don’t understand what you go through while you are going through it because they can’t feel what you feel. I know this the Lord giveth and he taketh and he giveth again, but better. That’s how he works. You learn from mistakes and you move forward.

This Mom job is more new and interesting everyday. I have decided to let my children go visit their father and his family for Thanksgiving. It will be an interesting experience because the longest we ever been apart was three days and that was six years ago, so I bet yall can imagine my nervousness but as always God will take care of them and I need to allow them to see that others care for them besides me so this will be a learning experience.

Well I continue to Pray, More Prayer, More Power. I am out, be blessed.

October 29, 2009

What do you say? I am still good folks, I realize the less drama I have the less emotion I need to write about. I know God is doing big things in my life. I am excited for what is coming to pass. Have you ever been in a situation where you were blessed on all fronts? Not that I deserve it, but he is seriously giving me a new focus and a new heart. Last night I was just laying there thinking about all he has done and the ways he has made for me. I am just so happy that he is keeping me. I am at peace. I also learned that if you keep people out of your business there will be nothing for them to talk about. Well they are still buzzing but they have nothing concrete because I am not announcing it all on the news. Duh, beans, I know. I have learned that when people see an ounce of space to drive a wedge through something they will. I have learned that women will do any and everything they can to get a man. I learned that how you get that man will be the same way you can lose him if you manipulated the process and done things out of order. I learned that everybody don’t like me and I have learned not to care. I am who I am. I am a people person and I see that I will always have an audience and instead of standing on stage putting on a show I need to just fall back and let them watch a blank screen. They will eventually get bored and go to another theater. Lol. I swear I crack myself up. Here lately all too often I hear about people saying this or that about me but the crazy thing is none of them really even know me. They know the star, lol, but they don’t know the quiet person that likes to sit home in my jammies and watch documentaries all day. I have learned that even though people claim to be your friend they may really just sitting back waiting for a minute of vulnerability so they can latch on and place themselves in a position where they know they don’t belong. I have learned to forgive and move forward. It took me a long time to do that but I was mad and blocking my blessings carrying around anger for things I couldn’t control. I am calm. Yes, me, calm. I have scaled back some of the things I used to do. Sometimes when you get my age you realize that nothing does matter and all that image and ego takes a back seat to just being a mom or a mate. I know that God has allowed me to focus on him and no distractions allow you to get closer to him. So as I walk in this victory, I realize, the race is not given to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but to the one that endures till the end. I am out, be blessed

October 22, 2009

I know yall are wondering where I have been but I am just laying low. God is moving and doing some things in my life and until it is all complete I have really just been sitting back marveling at his work. He is so in the blessing business that it is a shame. I made it through the storm and now I am sitting back watching the harvest ripen and I am about to reap the benefits. This will all surely add to my testimony. I so have learned that what the devil meant for bad he turned around and meant it for my good. So through all of this I have been going through I had to,  to get to this point right here right now. If he would have allowed anything else to happen I wouldn’t have been able to appreciate him for who he is. I know that sometimes he needs to remove things in order for you to see and once you have seen the big picture and put everything in perspective, not only will he bless you with what you had but more importantly he will give you something greater and you will more importantly appreciate him and that which you have received. This might be choppy sorry for any mistakes but I am on the move. I am out, be blessed

Patience October 15, 2009

I am at the point in my life that I am trying to do right. Waiting on what God has promised me but I often find myself distracted with the right now. It is so easy to posses what we can hold right this minute rather than wait for something that we may not feel we want. So I wait. I prepare, I sit and I wait. Ordinary just wont do and I am so over all that. What God has for ME will simply be that, for me. I am out be blessed

October 13, 2009

Some days I feel like Forrest Gump. Life is so like a box of chocolates. I have been really just been thinking about my life mistakes I have made, things I have overcome and all the joys and sorrows in between. As you all know I am single and it is not as easy as I thought. I am torn so much with so many different decisions. Life altering ones at that. I realize with everything you do there is consequences and I also know that you can not dictate your future no matter how hard you try, now you can make decisions that will bring you joy and help you be ok, but the final choice is not yours only God holds the future in his hands. I know that, I believe that and I stand on it. Well needless to say my weekend was very interesting. It was homecoming weekend for Central State University. The college I went to years ago and I currently attend now. I had a good time, had a blast I partied so hard I took a five hour nap during the day on Sunday. A sista was broke down. I saw a lot of people from my past, some I would have like to have forgotten, but decisions you make as a teenager tend to come back to haunt you in your thirties and I realize that. I have some other personal issues going on too, but I think I am going to keep those under my hat. I am just trying to press my way and keep my mind busy so my heart will be able to heal. It is getting better and more and more everyday, I see that God will give you your desire if you wait on him. I am good, all is well, I am out, be blessed!!!

Trust October 6, 2009

I am going over my trust issues and I can’t figure out what to do. Beans you gotta trust someone. You have to or you will never be in any contact with others as long as you live. I give people the benefit of the doubt but once they lie, nothing else they say matters to me. Once you violate the trust be it a friendship or relationship, you have nothing. In the words of Judge Judy, “Don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining”. lol That is my mind state. Tell the truth or say nothing and keep it moving. I am able to discern when people lie to me, I just don’t even say anything, I just put them on that list of people not to trust. The sad part is that it gets longer everyday. I trust in God and God alone, everyone else is suspect. I am out, be blessed!!!

Just a quick update!! October 5, 2009

Where do I begin? My life is so evolving and change is good. I switched my focus and I am so refreshed by what all has transpired in these last few days. People will be people and the second that you decide that you will no longer allow them to have any ruling in your life the better off you are. I know yall are like where she been she didn’t know that? Saying it and doing it is two different things. The very things you think were going to kill you only end up making you stronger and it is so funny because at one point you are at this phase ready to just lose it and then sure enough God will do something to show you who he really is and allow him to get the glory. That’s just why I love him so much. I love him more than anything. He allowed me to cross the river and even though it has been hard and rough I made it. Nobody but God could have brought me out. I realize that all that I go through, went through, and what is yet to come has to be part of my testimony. I laugh because there was a point where I was so low and people laughed and joked and had a party at my expense but now that I am fine and it is over and I am still good, not too many chuckles. I look at my family and we are just so blessed because I see how God has his hand in my life and he is guiding the way in order for us to thrive and prosper. I look at all the situations and things that I know he has moved and orchestrated and I am just so blessed to be able to stand and claim the victory because we all know in so many instances it could have went a different way. I ponder over my past relationships and all my promiscuity and then have to wonder how me, plain old beans as evil and cold blooded as she was is able to still stand here and tell you what a mighty God I serve. I don’t have a husband, three kids, no support yet everyday I am able to meet all the needs of my children and most all the wants too. Now you tell me God aint good. I see so many people suffering just trying to get by and here I sit just as blessed as can be. I am not sure why he chooses to shower so much favor on me because I know I don’t deserve it, but I don’t take it lightly. It is such a blessing for me to be able to do all I do and still have time to raise my kids in the way God would like for me too. I just don’t know how people can think all they have and are is because of themselves. My weekend was super busy, we had my sons birthday party it was so nice and a lot of kids showed up, they had a blast. Every day I am feeling and getting better and better, I need some serious rest and I guess I have no choice so I am going to get some. I am out, as always, be blessed!!!

If you just keep on living October 1, 2009

Have you ever heard that saying, “If you just keep on living”.

Well let me tell yall what happened to me yesterday, I woke up and my back was hurting a little but I was cool then my chest was hurting. It was throbbing a little all day and as time went on it began to hurt more and more. I have a high tolerance for pain but it was in my left chest area and I was so not feeling that. I have three kids and I really wasn’t feeling being sick but I knew something wasn’t right so I kept it moving all day but by the time it was time for me to go to school it hurt to breathe. Now I had to take my baby to basketball practice and get to class, no time for me being sick, I was on a mission, so I stop at the corner store and get four more Tylenol, I had taken about eight at work because I was in pain. So I get in class, it hurts to talk but hey I am a beast so I gotta keep it moving. I got through class, still in excruciating pain, I go pick my baby up from practice, and then I had to drive to the suburbs to pay for my other son’s birthday party. I was in so much pain. I had to handle my business and mind you I am single so I just gotta keep it moving because it is just me.  I was getting sicker by the minute because the fact that I may have been having a heart attack entered my mind. My baby just keeps asking me questions, I begin to panic and I begin to pray. I believe in the prayer of prayer because I am a living witness to what God can do. I just needed enough strength to get to the hospital because I was dizzy and I couldn’t crash my van and I couldn’t hurt him. I have never been so scared before in my life. Well I made it to the urgent care up the street and it was a pulled muscle but the thought of it being anything else makes me take a look at myself. Have you ever examined yourself? Not others but you and you alone. I did and I saw some things I was proud of and some things I didn’t like because I know better than some of the things I do. I am at a place now where I never thought I’d be. I am confident but more importantly I love God and I love myself. How can I expect for others to love me if I don’t love myself. So many times people see me and are so blinded by the flashing lights they don’t see that hazard sign back in the corner. I am such a work in progress and everyday I learn to depend on God more and more. I had nobody to call on but Jesus and he was the one I needed anyway. Today is my oldest son’s birthday. He is ten. It is such a blessing to be a mom and I am so glad that I have the most beautiful wonderful children. Life is good, but if you just keep on living you will have some valley experience but the fact that you can make it through them with the help of God is the best feeling ever. I am out, be blessed.

September 29, 2009

I have so much to say but no words to use!! This is all you get. Gotta figure out what words to use.

September 28, 2009

Life is crazy, good but crazy. You spend your entire life being and doing one thing then you switch it up and you see that you can do things different and be ok. My father is back home. It amazes me how God will turn a situation around. He does have a trach but he barely had a life so I am so grateful. You never know how it feels to be called in by the doctor. I was all by myself the blood was everywhere and here I was. That situation taught me so much that day. I had never been alone before until that day, I called on the Lord and he was right there. I sat in the room where they seat you when they tell you there is nothing they can do, all by myself. They talked I nodded, like I could hear them but I wasn’t even listening. I know God was there because I could feel his presence. This weekend I done something I have done in forever, I went somewhere by myself. I had a great time too. I so realized I am my own best company. Since I am changing the game up in my life I just sit back and laugh as people show their true colors. I am a single woman. I take care of myself and I deserve to be happy. I don’t care what anybody thinks about me. I know the truth; just because I used to be one way don’t mean I have to stay that way. I state this it is what it is. Some can deal others can’t. I am so happy that I have decided to make decisions for me and stopped tripping off of how it will affect others. If you don’t like how I get down then don’t come around. I am busy at work, had a great Mommy filled weekend. I am so blessed, I am out, be blessed