I have an anchor…
Posted by: beans3bk on: July 16, 2009
It is amazing how God works!! I can’t believe how he is moving in my life. I am just so happy that he has been with me. I went to prayer meeting yesterday and the Holy Spirit was just in the midst. I mean to hear people testify of his goodness, singing hymns, coming together on one accord in prayer. Let me see how I can give you a brief synopsis of all of this. I was raised in the church. I went to church from the time I was born. My mom who is a phenomenal women, made sure we went to church. There was no if’s ands or but’s about it. You lived in my house you went to church. I am not talking about going every other week; we went to church rain, sleet, or snow. If you would have went to work on that day, you was going to church. As I got older I can remember staying out all night, and being so drunk that my head was pounding, she didn’t care she was like come on. Get you some water and let’s go. This was up until I left for college. I never could figure out why she made us go until, I am an adult with children and I totally understand. In times like these you need an anchor. All my life she was working on building that anchor and even though I strayed and went away. My anchor was already there so I couldn’t go too far, because connected to that anchor was a rope. As I began to go through it all and just when my boat was a bout to break loose and drift off that line stiffened up and I couldn’t go no more. So then I just sat out at sea, not going forward but too dumb to go back. I did whatever I felt and misused and mistreated so many people to get what I wanted and needed and along the way I allowed people to use and abuse me. All the while people were praying for me, lookin at me, not giving up on me. But it wasn’t until I made the conscious decision of my own to pull out my oar and go back to that anchor could I truly live a life that was pleasing to him. I need to say this. I am not perfect and in no way do I profess to be but I know that God has his hands in my life. I know he is ready for me to shine for him. He saved me and brought me through it all in order for him to get the glory. In prayer meeting we were talking about God conditioning you to do what he needs you to do. We were talking about Paul and how he was a sinner of all sinners. And once God came in his life. Gave him a new name he was one of his hardest workers. I know there are things I need to do and some things I need to put in order and I am telling yall, He is in the blessing business. I have so many good things going on. If you read my blog constantly than you know where I was at nearly two months ago. My heart was broken and at times I couldn’t even hold it together but the God that I serve, picked me up, and dusted me off, put my mind back where it was supposed to be. It only happened because I continued to praise God. It is so easy to praise God when everything is going good. Praise him when it is bad and you have hit another level. I thank him for being a comfort to me when I didn’t have it in me to continue. This is me as transparent as you will get because I want you to know that, if it had not been for the Lord on my side……. Man where would I be. The storm is over now. He made me realize who is really number one. God is a jealous god and he deserves to be. He sent his son for my sins. I don’t know another person on this earth that will offer up their child for my salvation. I am a parent so I know how that would feel. Time is winding up. If you don’t know him, you will know him. Every knee must bow. So many people think their existence and being comes from the money from their jobs. Get out of here; He is my true source of income. I gotta go before I start shouting, I am out. Be blessed
I think I’ll be straight
Posted by: beans3bk on: July 15, 2009
Where do I begin, lol. I trip myself out. I write about myself everyday. Not that anybody cares to read it. I just love to do it. I keep my life as real as it gets. I am so over the fakeness of it all. You get what you get from me. Some people like me some people don’t. I am an acquired taste like fine wine. lol I am in a silly mood this morning. The sun is shining and God is good. As I make my journey through life I see and am apart of some craziness. Things happen and some days I just shake my head. I put my life, my feelings, and everything else on display so others can see what God can do for a person just as simple as me. Am I worthy of all his blessings? No. He allows me to recognize him for what and who he truly is. Do I get weak? Yes Do I mess up? Heck yeah. I am not perfect so I allow my imperfections to be viewed also. That is to let you know that he takes care of any and everybody. If he will deliver me from all that I was and have done. I don’t think anybody is exempt from deliverance. I keep my personal information to a minimum now. I had to learn that. People have decided to pick apart my true words from the heart and used them against me when they really don’t know my story. That is apart of my testimony too. I see it like this God knows me in and out others only know what they see in me. If they can’t see the Jesus in me and realize that I am sincere than I need to work harder to be a light. I am sure people judge me and say you claim to be holy yet you do this or that but don’t worry about me because your deliverance doesn’t come through me. If I am out of order God will put me back in place so why put your salvation in jeopardy by talking about me. Just a thought. I am trying to live a life pleasing to him. I know he has something great in store for me. I know he has set me up to prosper it is now up to me to fall in line. So often Christians crucify each other for what they do. Jesus died for my sins not Mary Jane so Mary Jane needs to worry about herself and let God deal with me. I have learned that me going around pointing out negativity is so not of God. If you come in the room talking crazy and looking down on people for not living by the bible and beat them up with it. You can’t save no souls. That is what we are called to do. So from here on out I want it to be know, instead of talking about me, try praying for a sista!!. I don’t know why I had to say this yall know I write whatever comes to my mind. I am so focused on the positive and I am so glad God is working things out for my good on all fronts. It is amazing how he works, that is a post for later, maybe. I want you to know the more you diligently seek him the more he will do for you. Keep offering those sacrifices of praise. I am out be blessed.
As I sit by the well
Posted by: beans3bk on: July 14, 2009
I know he won’t put more on me than I can bear, as I keep going he works things out for my good. I feel like the deck is stacked against me at times but I know what I am and what I am required to do so I press on. Each day gets easier, the vision is clearer. I have so much inside that I need to get out, but yet I dare not let it out because I had to learn the hard way that everybody don’t want to see you happy. Nobody knows all that you go through on a day to day so they may not necessarily understand all your decisions. I have to believe that time changes and people change. I have to believe that God does what he does and moves in different situations as he sees fit in order for us to recognize who he is and allow him to receive the glory. Through out the last six weeks I am learning and growing and respecting him on another level. Keeping it real, I thought I was going to lose my mind at one point. But he kept me and allowed me to make sound decisions so I would be ok while the storm was going through my life. It’s over now. Well that storm anyway. I am still standing and after all that has happened I am a better woman for it. The things I done and the changes that I made were for me. My pastor was talking about this Sunday, a sacrifice of praise. When you are in the midst of the hardest most painful time in your life and you still praise God I am sure he makes note of that. When people were laughing and talking about how I was this or that I just kept on praying for deliverance and I am sitting here today only because of God. My mind would race I would think of all kinds of things but he just kept telling me to be still. Calm down beans. Flesh is exactly what it is weak. I brought you out of darkness and if you just calm down I will bring you out of this and sure enough I made it. The thought that I was getting some of what I deserved never crossed my mind until it was over and I realized all the things I did. It is water under the bridge. I am so content with where I am right now. The entire situation could have gone down a completely different way, better or worst. I said all that to say, people don’t make me happy. They are going to do what they will do. I don’t build hopes on them because they will fail. I have failed people so I know but out of all I do or don’t know God will see you through. Even last night I was trying to wrestle with something, I had to just turn it over to the Lord. As I praise him in the good times, I must praise him in the bad. He has never failed me. I have never gone without anything. He keeps a ram in the bush for me and my children. The food or money gets low but I trust that he will make a way and supply the needs for my family. So I may have been the women at the well, who had basically been around the block and was living with a man that wasn’t even her husband, but like her. Jesus gave her some living water and after receiving it she brought others back. That’s how I feel no matter what I have done, he has blessed me and I want others to know that in spite of what they done he will bless them too. This is all apart of my testimony. I am out, be blessed
Quick Ramble
Posted by: beans3bk on: July 13, 2009
I was going to talk about one thing, but I changed my mind. Some things are better discovered. I had a decent weekend. Full of highs and lows. Friday I learned that when it comes down to it actions speak louder than words. I learned that people that truly love you love regardless of what you do. I have so much going on mentally and emotionally that I am in prayer for clarity. I know if I sit back and allow God to move however he sees fit everything will be alright.
I have removed my hands from a lot of situations I used to deal with and decided to let his will be done. I finally cooked my kids some food. I felt bad because they were eating like dogs because I haven’t cooked in a while. Saturday we had a drill team competition. The girls lost. I am about to lose my mind planning this competition. So many things to get and do to make it a success. Still working out the details of my business, so much research that needs to be done. In the next few months I plan on making some serious life changes that may upset a few people. I must do what is best for me and mine. We need a change of pace.I had a great time at church yesterday. I sang with the praise team it felt really good. I am still praying about that too. I can’t half do something so I know what I need to do to get there. I have stopped and started this post so many times, I am not even sure the direction. I am very busy today. My mind is racing and my desk is a mess. If one more person asks me a question I think I will scream. At this point I am rambling. So I will end this, post it and try again tomorrow to come up with something. I am out, be blessed
Exhale
Posted by: beans3bk on: July 10, 2009
It is Friday and all is well. I am still here and thanks to God I made it through another day. I am really just good. Some might be like why is she saying this like that, but to be honest, I can finally breathe. I was watching Waiting to Exhale the other night. One of my favorite movies and once again I could identify with all the characters. At some point in my life I have been at the level of each one of them.
Whitney – tired of simple men
Lela – Desperate taking whatever, not even seeing the signs
Loretta – Tired of being alone using your children and food to pacify your time
Angela – Left for another woman
But all I could think about was when Whitney was like, “And then I Exhaled”. I feel like I have been holding my breath too long. Lol I am ready to tapout. This is so the truth I was chopping it up with my people on FB yesterday regarding men, and the lack of them. Decent ones anyway. I think that relationships take a lot of work and just when you think you know a person and have figured them out they go and do something to hurt you and then you are lost. I have learned to be content with me. You should not allow a man to dictate your happiness. You gotta control you own smiles and cries. You could be in a relationship face to face with a person, and still not realize they are cheating because you are so focused on making what you got work you don’t even realize he has moved on. Good men and bad men do it too. I think women are very manipulative and men being weak fall into traps that they need to avoid. Let me stay focused but what I am trying to say is, that you can’t depend on things or people to make you breath. I exhale because I know that God takes care of me.
Good things are happening for me. Old wounds are healing and I am trying my best to do right. I have stepped back and allowed God to move and he just may move things like I hope. We shall see. I am out, be blessed!!
Slow Down
Posted by: beans3bk on: July 9, 2009
Dear Diary,
Lol, just kidding but I am feeling that. The more I grow, the stronger, I get and the better I feel. Each day is a new one. I am tuning more into my children even more. We had a family meeting yesterday and I gave them their chore list. They were like you really want us to do this, I was like “Don’t do and see what happens”. In the evenings I am accomplishing a lot, still haven’t found a hobby but I got enough housework to keep me busy. The kids are loving vacation bible school, so I am happy for them. I am also organizing our drill team competition so that is keeping me busy. I am not ready to date. I gotta get pass this patch. I prefer to go for a season with nothing. Some people think just because I got out of a relationship that I was committed to since it is over, I am ready to kick it. I can’t step back out there like that. Truth be told I am not even ready for friends. If I have male friends, there is always a chance of it leading in to something else. Trust me I know. So I won’t go there either. I am at an incubation stage. I just need to stay in the warmer until; I get big enough to survive on the outside myself. I realized that emotionally I am so off the mark for normal, that’s just real. I feel like every man I ever trusted has lied to me. If I have this mind state and know it. I will be no good for anyone. I keep telling myself, slow down, decline. Fools rush in. You are smarter than that. You rushed into your last relationship. Take your time. Feel things out. Let Jesus lead you. So I keep everything to a minimum. I will slowly find time to socialize. Right now I need to complete this course and grow closer to God. In the back of my church they had this article about relationships. It clearly stated two unequally yoked people should not be together, they won’t prosper. If Christians are together there are things they should be doing like building a spiritual relationship together with Christ. Praying and growing in God together. I never done that. But experience is a good teacher and I am so committed to doing things right I am making a note of that. It also said that you should be able to view your mates Christianity and be able to see what they are about. I think talk is so cheap. The fact that God is in your life it should be evident so you shouldn’t even have to speak on it. I got more to say, but I gotta go, may be back later, I am out. Be blessed.
Strength to raise my children
Posted by: beans3bk on: July 8, 2009
| Where do I begin, The minute I walk into to work, people all in my face. The minute I get up this morning, drama. I am so tired of it all. I have definitely got to get away from it all. I am seriously lining things up to get away from all the madness. I think out of convience I allow too much to go on. It stops today. My children are spoiled and they are now to the point that if I don’t do something I am going to have some serious monsters. I woke up early and I was praying for strength. I realize as I fix one thing another breaks. I am OK with that the Lord’s will must be done. I am praying over my children and praying for myself to be the parent they need, not the friend they want. I am so close to them at times I think I overlook a lot of their wrong and chalk it up to them not having a father, well that is over too. I was raised by a single parent and I came out OK. I feel like I have failed them and there is really nothing I can do to give them the parent that they are missing but what I can do is stop doing so much and be more in tune to their needs versus their wants. There is nothing that I can buy them to fill up the hole of not having a father so I will stop trying. My son got into some trouble and I handled the situation but I wonder what he would have done or if he even would have done what he done if he had a father. I am praying that God matures his father so he can fill that void in their lives. In the meantime I am asking God to condition me to weather the storms and the growing pains he must get through. I pray that he allows me to make the right decisions on behalf of my children when it comes down to it. I am not moved, but moving forward and pressing taking Jesus with me all the way. No matter what comes my way or adversities that cross my path I pray for strength to endure to the end. My stress levels are through the roof, sick parents and unruly children at times are just too much for one woman to handle. What doesn’t kill me will only make me stronger, I am out, Be blessed. |
Forgive him, then forgive yourself
Posted by: beans3bk on: July 7, 2009
- In: Family| Friendship| Love| Motherhood| Relationships| Religion| Too Much| my baby
- 2 Comments
| Wow, Tyler Perry needs a check from me. I swear I finally took the movie out of my DVD. After my seventh time watching it. Forgave him, Forgave myself and now I can move forward. I really had to do some thinking and soul searching these last few days. I needed to remove all of the anger so I could be free. When you are mad at people for things they control your life. Now when I say move on I don’t mean get in a new relationship but in order for me to function in the capacity that I am supposed to I must realize the situation and rectify it. I told him that I forgave him and I apologized for all I done because I was wrong at times to. The beauty of it all is that day by day, I get stronger and I get better and I am the woman and the mother that I am supposed to be because I don’t have so much energy being upset with him. I can’t stand the victim mentality. I believe that everything you do and you get is because of something that you’ve done. I have done a lot. Do I think I will walk around the rest of my life holding on to men that really don’t want me? Lol No, that is so not what I am on. I can easily be in a relationship. It is really just a matter of making a call and I am back in the saddle. I can continue my life and be happy because I know that someone loves me. I won’t do that. I refuse to open anymore doors until I have completely closed all the ones behind me. I know people tend to think I have serious issues with the father of my children. I don’t. I forgave him long ago. He is what he is and I will allow the courts to dictate his relationship with his children because we can’t amicably come up with a conclusion. I have tried to work with him. It won’t work. I am not keeping him from his children I am just choosing not to be a victim of his anymore. If I allow him to speak to them when he calls and then wait until the law makes him take care of them that is all I can do. If he decides to come visit them I will make a comfortable environment for my children because they are the most important thing in my life after God. They are at a fragile state right now because they are somewhat confused by what all is going on so I must tread lightly when it comes to them. I need them to know that regardless of the issues that I have with their real father or Baby they are still loved. Now as for me I am slowly but surely realizing that a common denominator in all of this is me. That’s just real talk. I can’t get what I am supposed to have if I am not right. This morning, I was praying and I just need to be fixed. Not sure how God is going to do it or even when, but I know he will. The chains of mistrust and deception need to be broken. I know they are there. I was talking to my girlfriend the other day about trust. Keeping it real I trust no one. I trust in God, that’s it, that’s all. I think about all the things women compromise and do just to keep a man. I think of what all I done to keep one. Wow. I know that God is a jealous God and the very thing you put before him will be the very thing that he removes from you life. If you will allow me to be transparent for a moment. I was going back over my blog, reading some of my old post trying to figure out what happened on what day that made all of my life change. Then it hit me. You can’t worship people they are human, they mess up. That’s basically what I was doing. I needed to see what I already knew and even though I had been praying and working for God at the end of the day I was still worshiping this man. Poor thang, he was doomed from the beginning. When you start things off wrong you often times end them wrong too. So with the forgiveness of him and the forgiveness of me, I press forward, I am out. Be Blessed!!! |
Weekend Unload
Posted by: beans3bk on: July 6, 2009
There is so much to say!!!! I had a great weekend full of activities, festivities, motherhood. You name it I did it. I am so grateful to God for all that he has done for me. I can’t believe how he has just been working in my life on so many fronts. I must admit. I have been running, “Diary of a Mad Black Women” marathon. I must have watched it 6 times this weekend. Or at least started it and walked away. I love this movie because I feel it and so see how uplifting it is. Especially with all that I have been dealing with these past few months. On some fronts I think my blog has turned in that same diary. Oh well I am getting back and bouncing back just like the woman in the movie. I sit and think about all the anger I had and I just simply let it go. I know the Lord rewards faithfulness and I as I journey through this world, no matter what people say about me. I will remain faithful to him. I used to wear my feelings on my sleeve, not a good place for them. So when people see my weakness and attack it, I would be hurt but I have concluded that 9 times out of 10 most people that put my name in their mouth really don’t know the true me anyway. Now they may know the party, kick it, stay out all night, never be in a relationship because I dare not to commit, young men dating, messing with other people’s man and doing all kind of dirt me. But they don’t know this me. I am ok if they talk about me because I know who I am and whose I am so words don’t matter. It is funny how God works, I recently saw this girl that I couldn’t stand in high school and even in my early twenties, she and I were dating the same guys like all the time. We used to argue and cuss each other out because I felt like each time I dated or met someone here she came. Now that I think about it we kinda looked alike so of course we attracted the same men, duh. But I was young and stupid. Anywho. I saw her and I said “Hey how are you?” She looked kinda weird at first but she answered and we talked and spoke about our children and life and then we departed with a hug. Wow. Yes, wow. Never in a million years would I thought me and this woman would be able to do that. It amazed me because I know she was floored by my demeanor especially since we hadn’t seen each other or argued in years. But I was glad to see her and happy she was doing well because the arguments and fights we had were childish and juvenile and since I claim to put away all my childish things I dare not be mean to her. We had communion in church yesterday and my pastor was like if you have wronged someone you need to apologize. I haven’t knowingly done anything to anyone in a long time. But if I have done wrong to someone I want to make it right. I can’t walk around and act like I never done dirt because I have. When I see people I try to make it right. I took my children downtown to the festival this weekend and they were like Mommy you know everybody. I just laughed because I do know a lot of people and yes I stopped and talked and I talked and they were ready to go. I remember doing the same thing with my mom. We had a 2.5 mile parade Saturday in Bexley, OH so my thighs are still burning, lol That doesn’t seem long but when you are watching out for kids and trying to make sure they don’t pass out, it can be tiresome. I like Bexley. In three years it just may be my new home. I am still working on this business harder now than before and it amazes me how it is just coming together. I have told yall enough for now. I am out, Be Blessed!!
Preparation
Posted by: beans3bk on: July 2, 2009
Today is weird for me, I am having a decent day but I have this weird feeling. Sometimes discernment is a bad boy. Last night I was pondering over some scenarios in my head. I know in life for some things can go two ways. The crazy thing is this isn’t even my life. It is the life of others. I am so sold out on what I need to do at times I surprise myself. I know with all that is going on in my life at this time I have too much at stake to slip and fall. I realize that he will only dust you off and put you back in place so many times before he allows you to wonder in the wilderness. I was already in it for thirty years I don’t have another thirty to spare so I am good. I realize that as I decrease me and follow him that he allows me to be in the midst of a lot. The soberness allows clarity to flow. What shall I do? I am thinking of that old James Cleveland song, “What Shall I Do” I think that is the title. But it is like, What shall I do, what steps should I take, what moves should I make ……. There are more lyrics but I can’t think of them down. Sometimes ignorance is bliss. If you don’t know something there is no way you can take credit or blame for the aftermath. For some reason I feel like I am in a holding pattern so I will wait. And of course stay in prayer. I am living life like its golden. My mind is going a mile a minute. The kids are busy this weekend. They have a parade Saturday morning and we need to be at the center at 6 AM. Over the years I have developed a spirit of lateness. I used to be late because I wanted to make an entrance every where I went. Lol That is stupid but it is the truth. Now I am just late just because I can be. Instead of decreasing something today, I think I will be adding something, the spirit of preparation. I know somebody is like what? This chick has lost it, but this is real talk for me. I am never prepared for anything. I never plan; I am a procrastinator to my heart. You know in church they always sing, I wanna be ready when Jesus come, I do to, but I can’t be ready if I don’t prepare and that is on all fronts on my life. My Sunday school teacher always used to say when I was a child, “He will not say well done, if you have not done well.” Intentions mean nothing because tomorrow is not promised. I think I am done for now as I am now rambling, but it was all on my heart. I am out, be blessed
beans3bk
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